Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?

If Pickford's packers packed a packet of crisps would the packet of crisps that Pickford's packers packed survive for two and a half years?

One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.

There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.

Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas.

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.

I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me .
Will I need a safe word ?

Police: the fuck is wrong with you ?

How do celebrities stay cool?

They have a lot of fans.

I always thought I would never be able to sing along with another person.

But today, I was finally able to duet!

There is a new rapper with an album coming out about regrets. His name is Apolo G.

I called tech support and said I was having trouble finding a good app for writing essays. The guy said “Word.” OK, I’m glad he sympathizes, but it doesn’t answer my question.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

When someone calls you Fat don't entertain them. You are bigger than that.

My wife didn't like how much I'd spent on my new music system...But I think it's a sound investment.

Being a boy seems so easy, all u gotta do is lie and get haircut.

if my EX was a COOKIE, she would be a whoreo.

I am so cute. BREATHE if you AGREE.

I am so cute. BREATHE if you AGREE.

i don't like people who take drugs
for example: airport security.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet.

That's a little gnome fact.

The difference between psychiatry and urology is everyone’s nuts and everyones’ nuts.

We should change the HTTP status code for not found from 404 to 2020.

The sexual position called 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.

I've been dating a homeless woman recently and it looks like it's getting serious......

She's asked me to move out with her 😅

I couldn’t find my car keys, my wife said I need to look harder, so I shaved my head, got a load of tattoos and a pit bull, but I still can’t find them.

We watched window washers wash Washington’s windows with warm washing water.

I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.

He sighed, she sighed, they both sighed, side by side, down beside the river side.

Don’t trouble trouble
Until trouble troubles you.
It only doubles trouble
And troubles others too.

Grey geese graze in the green grass.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.

“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”

Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread 🥖

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

We surely shall see the sun shine soon.

Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch ⌚

I thought I thought of thinking of thanking you.

If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?

I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen 🐈

You know New York, you need New York, you know you need unique New York. 🗽

I have got a date at a quarter to eight; I’ll see you at the gate, so don’t be late.

Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?

Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. 🍦

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

She sells seashells by the seashore.

Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says “Who is it?” followed by a man’s voice saying “Blind man”. Figuring the man wouldn’t see anything they open the door. The man walks in and says “Nice tits ladies. Now where do you want me to install these blinds?

Friend: What do you know about midgets?
Me: Very little.

Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins..

Wife hasn’t spoken to me for 3 days! Haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.
Shame, because I'd like to do it again next week.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo!

3 people having sex is a 3some.
2 people having sex is a 2some.
So would 1 person having sex be handsome ?

If a mans penis is referred as the "family jewels"...does that mean a woman's vagina is the "jewelry box"?

I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife.
He's been proper miserable lately! 😃

It was the wifes birthday so I booked a table, now she tells me that she don`t like snooker - women !!

When people say they slept like a baby, does that mean they woke up 3 times during the night screaming & shit their pants?

We were so poor Mom made us use a fork to make the soup last longer.

A patient cured is a customer lost. 💉💊👨‍⚕️

- Ватсон, вы гей?
- Да, Холмс.А как
вы догодались?
Опять наверное,метод дедукции?
- Да нет, просто спросил.

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.

Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.

This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.

"Depth 1.8metres"

Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.

More stares came her way...the sign read:

"Men's entrance"

She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.

Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.

"Repairs in progress, please use rear entrance”😆😆😆😆

It's okay if you have no idea what "prefix" means. It's not the end of the word.

I can read backwards.

I can read other words too.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.