Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I hate it when people say age is only a number.

Age is clearly a word. 😎

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter. 🧈

Q: What do lesbians need by law?
A: a liquor licence.

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: full.

I've been that depressed lately, the wife has threatened to leave me.
Even that didn't cheer me up!! 😎

People ask me why live in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is obviously a plus.😎

Don't take pregnant women seriously during delivery. They are kidding.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.

A cousin of mine who had a stuttering problem just died in prison. Poor guy didn't even finish a sentence😢

For those people concerned that Alexa is listening to your conversations, they’re now bringing out a male version.It doesn’t listen to anything.

How does Bob marley make his favourite sandwiches?.... Wi jammin 😋

A man with no arms and no legs is on a beach.. A women walks past n he's says.. Excuse me will you hug me I've never been hugged before.. She reply yes course I will...
The next women comes along... He says excuse me will you kiss me I've never kissed before she replys course I will..
. The next women comes along n he's says excuse me will you fuck me I've never been fucked before and she replys... You'll be fucked in a minute the tides coming in🤣🤣

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."
-Ernest Hemingway

I just found out there is no such thing as a free guitar. There were strings attached.😁

england doesn't have a kidney bank but it has liverpool ⚽

i bought the wife a pug dog yesterday, despite the squashed nose , bulging eyes and rolls of fat ...
the dog seems to like her .

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" 🥃

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
Total lie.
I didn't even know it was her birthday yesterday!

I asked the wife, “What would you really like for your birthday?”
Quick as a flash she replied “ A widows pension”.

What do you call a female horse who neighs loudly at night and disturbs everyone around her?

Answer: A night 'mare'.

Had my coffee cup stolen this morning.
Spent all day at the police station looking at mugshots.😇

- Is it true that God created computers?

- Yes. But it’s the devil who wrote the software.

I've just found an old photograph of me in my boxing days.
If you turn it sideways, it looks like I'm standing up. 🥊

A human drinking vampire blood.
Vampires asks "what does it taste like"
Human answers "like irony".

As a lumberjacks I cut 2457 trees.
I know because every time I cut one I keep a Log.

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?
Me: I bring a lot to the table. 👨‍💼

I used to be addicted to soap.
But now I’m clean! 🧼

How do you describe a cow that has just given birth?
De-caffeinated. 🐄

The police arrested a dog that was giving birth on the side of the road.
Littering is a crime apparently.

I met a sexy electrician!
She LED me on,
and I couldn't resistor.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Anyone got any good big bird puns....
They’re Emusing. 😍

Are puns about Amputation allowed??
Or maybe they're too Lame.

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…
it's easy as pi! 🤗

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.
All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Nelson Mandela gets a knock on the door.

The guy says “where do you want me to drop off these car parts?

NM says “What car parts, I haven’t ordered any? Show me the delivery note please?”

He reads the note and says “you stupid man, it says here
Nissan Main Dealer !!!!!”

What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An Ill eagle alien.

Drill Sergeant: Private Smith!!! I did not see you at the camouflage class this morning!!!

Private Smith: Thank you Sir!!!

Adult Supervision.
What a joke.

I'm 54 and if anything, my vision is getting worse!

COP: I’m giving you a ticket for speeding.

BLONDE: What should I do with it?

COP: Save it. When you have 4 you get a bicycle.

I really hate telling people that I'm a taxidermist so instead when people ask me what I do for a living I say...you know....stuff 😎

Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm,
One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

😂😂😂😂

The Women's Dictionary
1.Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan
it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".

A woman goes into a tailors and asks to be measured for a trouser suit.....the poor apprentice runs into the back shop all flustered and splutters out to the tailor...this lady wants a trouser suit ...I can measure the top ok but how do I get the inside leg measurements...I mean a tape measure and my hand going up there.....the tailor smiles wryly....ahh..you don’t use a tape measure....you use a metre stick....push it up as far as it will go...deduct the wet from the dry and add two inches for turn ups 🤗

Did you hear about the last date Stephen Hawkings went on? He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!

Caribbean male pickup lines: They are Punny!
I hope you came with a library card because I need to borrow you.
Is your name Google? You have everything I am looking for.
Hold me tight girl and feel the boyfriend material.
I am walking behind you because my mama told me to follow my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk in front of you again?
(While rubbing eyes) Girl, something is wrong with my eyes, I just can’t take them off you.
You are like the Great Wall of China, I just can’t get over you.
You remind me of a lobster, all the meat is in your tail.
I heard that you are good in math, can you replace my X without asking Y?
You must come from ISIS because you are the bomb!
I was feeling a little off, but you turned me back on.
I want to be a gardener so that I can plant my tulips on your tulips.

If a bakery always wanted you to pose with all their buns for a picture, can we call you a great..
Roll model?? 🙄

Never make fun of a Scotsman's traditional garb. You could get kilt.

Q: What do you call a secret agent's minor assignment between major operations?
A: An intermission.

Just bought a fantastic book "How to not procrastinate." I'm going to read it tomorrow.

An English man, a French man, a Spaniard, and a German enter into a bar and the bartender asked them, "Can you see me?"
They responded: "Yes, Oui, Sí, Ja"

Who decided we should park on driveways and drive on parkways anyway?

If Tiger Woods put his favorite golf club behind his seat in his car, can we say it's his...

Backseat driver??
🏌

How do bureaucrats wrap presents?

With lots of red tape. 😎

What's the difference between counterfeit cash and an angry hare?

One is bad money and the other's a mad bunny.

If Telly, Nelly and Pelly had a fishing contest, who would win?
Answer: Well, if any of them could catch fish, Pelly can.

🐟🐟🐟

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.

I didn't know what to make of it.

Me and my best mates played a game of hide and seek. It went on for hours...Well, good friends are hard to find.

What’s yellow, dangerous and hangs from a tree.

A banana with a machine gun.

About 4 years ago, I made a big decision to remove all the side & rear view mirrors from my car and I haven't looked back since...

My wife wants me to throw out the old glue sticks but I've become attached to them.

A guy sits down in a bar and hears a voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he hears, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?” The bartender says, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

Teacher: If you have 14 pieces of candy & your friend takes 3, how many do you have left?
Johnny: 14. And one less friend. And a pending assault charge.

So this guy that I know fell in love with his organ donor.
So sweet...
he totally had her heart.

I don’t mean to brag but my dad was a very important person. At his work he had five hundred people below him.

He mowed lawns at the cemetery!

Parallel lines are vegetarian

They never meat. 😉

How did the scientist feel when he had to measure in centimeters instead of inches?

Defeated.

Finally got around to watching Back to the Future...It's about time.

I bought one of those new ABBA toilets today..

What a loo🎼

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Irelephant 🐘

How much do I owe for the new roof?... don’t worry, it's on the house...😎

I bought a thesaurus I've always wanted; when I opened it all the pages were blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am!

What did the dad say to his son when the son said he wanted to work with horses?

sounds like a stable career.

Two kids have been arrested for drinking battery acid and eating the the gunpowder out of a box of fireworks.
One got charged and the other was let off.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a Martini.”

The bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”

Went to the doctor's with a hearing problem. He asked to describe the symptoms.
I told him 'Homer's fat' and 'Marge has blue hair'.

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”