Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

For some reason, I was feeling a little off today. But when you came along, you definitely turned me on.

Do I know you? ‘Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend 😀

I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install,
and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

Q: How many new agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
world where we can all aspire to be gods.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
him.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone,
it would screw itself in.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

How many ADD kids does it take to change a...
We should ride bicycles you guys!!

How many skateboarders does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it take him 100 tries.

How many cubs fans does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just talk about doing it next year.

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. You got a problem with that, pal?

How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.

How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3; one to change the bulb, and two to design the T-Shirts.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
You don't know man, you weren't there man!

How many folk musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
5; One to change the lightbulb, and four to write songs about how much better the old bulb was.

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
7; one to do it, and 6 to stand around saying "pshs, I could do that."

How long does it take a performance artist to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, I left after the first hour and a half.

How many Mystery-genre writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How did the hipster burn his hand?
He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lighbulb?
None. That is a hardware issue.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Sex.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but it's cramped.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 but nobody knows how they got in there.

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just let it burn out and follow it around for a few decades.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to want to change.

How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. With a step ladder. They're short, not stupid.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They're efficient and not very funny.

What's the object oriented way to become wealthy?
Inheritance.

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.

Back in the day I used to think you needed a boombox to be cool, turns out it's just a stereotype

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time no sea!

Guy walks up to the bar and has a big smile on his face. The bartender say what can I get you? The guys say 5 shots. The bartender says what you celebrating. The guy says just had my first blow job. The bartender says yeah well let me get you a beer. The guy say no if the whiskey cant wash the taste out of my mouth nothing well.

The best and surest way to save a marriage from divorce is not to show up for the wedding.

Why was the tree excited about the future?
It was ready to turn over a new leaf!

People with bad colds don't go to the doctor - they go to the theater.

People with bad colds don't go to the doctor - they go to the theater.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!

Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.

How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?

If Pickford's packers packed a packet of crisps would the packet of crisps that Pickford's packers packed survive for two and a half years?

One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.

There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.

Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas.

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.

I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me .
Will I need a safe word ?

Police: the fuck is wrong with you ?

How do celebrities stay cool?

They have a lot of fans.

I always thought I would never be able to sing along with another person.

But today, I was finally able to duet!

There is a new rapper with an album coming out about regrets. His name is Apolo G.

I called tech support and said I was having trouble finding a good app for writing essays. The guy said “Word.” OK, I’m glad he sympathizes, but it doesn’t answer my question.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

When someone calls you Fat don't entertain them. You are bigger than that.

My wife didn't like how much I'd spent on my new music system...But I think it's a sound investment.

Being a boy seems so easy, all u gotta do is lie and get haircut.

if my EX was a COOKIE, she would be a whoreo.

I am so cute. BREATHE if you AGREE.

I am so cute. BREATHE if you AGREE.

i don't like people who take drugs
for example: airport security.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet.

That's a little gnome fact.