Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer." The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there." The first responds, "Watch me."
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies. "Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break."
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar. As the horse finishes preparing an excellent Horse’s Neck, he turns to the awestruck patron and demands, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?"
"No," the guys says. "I can't believe the ferret sold the place."

A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." The bartender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and again says, "I want to buy some peanuts." The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, "I want to buy some peanuts!" The outraged bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, "Sorry, don't have nails." The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any peanuts?"

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

Why did princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

На первом свидании:
— Короче, пошли в сауну, сразу убьем двух зайцев — и отдохнем, и потрахаемся...
На лице девушки отразилось полное негодование:
— Потрахаться я не против, а зайцев убивать не буду...

Roses are red. Violets are fine. You be the 6. I’ll be the 9.

Are you an elevator? Because I’ll go up and down on you.

Did you know my lips are like Skittles and you’re about to taste the rainbow?

Your body is made up of 70% water. . .and I’m thirsty.

Are you a haunted house? I’m going to scream when I’m in you.

Give me your car keys so I can drive you crazy.

Are you an exam? Because I have been studying you like crazy.

I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.

Do you want to commit a sin for your next confessional?

Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation with me?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

My buddies bet me that I wouldn’t be able to start a conversation with the hottest person in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with their money?

You must be a broom, ‘cause you just swept me off my feet.

Somebody call the cops, because it’s got to be illegal to look that good!

You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

Are you a dictionary? Cause you’re adding meaning to my life.

You don’t need keys to drive me crazy.

Can you take me to the doctor? Because I just broke my leg falling for you.

Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die.

I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.

How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.

My friend accidentally swallowed a clock...He had some alarming side effects.

I’d say God Bless you, but it looks like he already did.

Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.

Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on Earth!

I’m sorry, were you talking to me? [No] Well then, please start.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.

Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Classic...
Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?

Hey, you’re pretty and I’m cute. Together we’d be Pretty Cute.

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Is your dad a terrorist? Cause you’re the bomb.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I pass by again?

Hi, how was heaven when you left it?

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.

Would you grab my arm, so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?

I was wondering if you had an extra heart. Mine was just stolen.

Was your dad a boxer? Because damn, you’re a knockout!

Is there an airport nearby or is it my heart taking off?

Are you sure you’re not tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day.

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.

For some reason, I was feeling a little off today. But when you came along, you definitely turned me on.

Do I know you? ‘Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend 😀

I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install,
and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

Q: How many new agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
world where we can all aspire to be gods.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
him.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.