If laughter is the best medicine...
"I don't tell jokes to make people laugh. I tell them so they can see the deeper truth hidden within."
- George Carlin

Weird never felt so funny.
- Updated:
2025-05-22.
Get ready for a comedy extravaganza.
Where each joke is a sparkling gem of wit and humor.
Jokes and puns are like treasure troves of laughter waiting to be explored!
It's like stumbling upon a comedy gold mine.
Where puns are always intended and jokes are always hilarious.
Jokes and Puns: For when you need a good laugh.
Jokes and Puns: The cure for a bad mood.
Jokes and Puns: The ultimate source of laughter.
Daughter: Dad, have you ever heard of Quasimodo?
Me: Yeah, rings a bell.
I wonder if British websites use biscuits?
You want more math jokes?
I just have sum.
I met a guy who did acupuncture. What a prick
- Сёма, вы женаты?
- Да, Яша.
- Сколько времени?
- Половина девятого.
Interviewer: “What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: “I often mislead people."
Interviewer: “Really?"
Me: “No."
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.
What's a cannibal's favourite band?
Mmm... People 😉
The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
I can cut a tree in half just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Difference between
Vibrator and a Ventilator ?
You're Coming or Going 😎
What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles 🤗
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral' 😎
My father used to throw his camera at me .. i still have flashbacks 📸
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the fucking darts team hadn't!
The waitress at the diner brought me my order. I could see that she had her thumb sticking into my soup in the bowl. When I pointed this out she said, "I got a sore on that thumb and it feels better when I stick it in something warm." So I reply, "Why don't you just stick it up your ass?" She says, "I do, when I'm not serving soup."👱♀️
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
Today my son asked me "can I have a book mark?" I was gutted! 6yrs old and he doesn't know my names Mike. 😎
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Please keep off
the Grass.'
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.😎
My luggage was stolen at the airport and never found....I sued the airline but the judge dismissed my suit saying I had no case...
Why couldn't the burger get any sauce?
The wiener takes it all.
Do we require a Current license to drive an Electric car?
What do you name a camel that doesn't have any humps?
Humphrey.
I found a snake on my car windscreen once ... i think it was a windscreen viper. 😁
The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today.
His wife is taking it really hard.
What’s the name of the father of The Children of the Corn?
Popcorn.
What did Jay-Z call his mrs before they got married ?
Feyoncé.
How do u stop an argument between two deaf people.
Put the light off.
As a kid I always wanted to be a banker. But now I’m a Comedian.
I guess I lost interest. 💲
When it’s raining cats and dogs, make sure not to step in a poodle!! 🐩
“Only a neutral, who is indifferent to the stake and perhaps to all stakes, can appreciate aesthetically the grandeur of a fine disaster.”
– Jean-Paul Sartre, Saint Genet
Y'all hear the rumor about the butter ?
Dont I ask me, I'm not going to "spread it"
Rumor has it that I still make too many Phil Collins jokes.
I don't care anymore.
So a guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed."
"Oh, but this is a special dog," replies the man, "he can speak English. If you pour me a beer, I'll show you."
So the bartender shrugs and serves the man a beer. He turns to his dog and asks, "Rover, how does sandpaper feel?"
Without hesitation the dog replies, "Rough! Rough!"
Angry, the bartender ejects man and dog from the bar: "Get the hell outta here!"
Outside, the man frowns, looks down at his dog and shakes his head.
"What," says the dog, "Should I have said 'abrasive'?" 🐶
My father has an irrational fear of elevators.
Naturally he is taking some steps to overcome this.
If it is 'one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go...'
Then how many cats is Elvis left with?😎
I planted weed at school
That's why they call it 'high school'
Two old ladies sitting looking at the sea
Isn’t it windy says one,
No it’s Thursday comes the reply.
So am I let’s have a cup of tea! ☕
Q:What would you call the relationship between two wires?
A:Current affairs, 🤓
On my tombstone please write "Not appreciating my puns while I was still alive was a grave mistake".
⠠⠊⠎⠀⠁⠀⠗⠊⠆⠕⠝⠀⠔⠀⠮⠀⠎⠅⠽⠦⠀⠠⠊⠀⠙⠕⠝⠠⠴⠞⠀⠐⠅⠲
or whatever Stevie Wonder said 😎
Saw absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach today... I saw a man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids... Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off... There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his batton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages... 🐊
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping 12 hours ago and hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -Ok bare with me, I have to ask some questions before we can file the report.
Husband : - Fine by me.
Inspector : -What's her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?
Husband : -Not slim, but not healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -I Never really noticed...
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -She changes it every 6 months, so I couldn't tell you.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure... either a dress or jeans...
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes!
Inspector : - What was the Color of the car?
Husband : -Black 68 Camaro SS hardtop coupe. With a 454 V8 engine, Richmond Super T-10 Transmission, Single 4 Barrel Fuel Delivery System, 12 Bolt 4.10 Posi Axle Specif., Manual Baer brake calipers clamp large drilled and slotted rotors.... And then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir... We'll find your car.
In an attempt to speed up my racing snail, I took the shell off to improve aerodynamics.
Didn’t work. If anything it makes him more sluggish. 🐌
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs 🤗
What do you call a mexican who lost his car?
Carlos 😁
Who is Einstein’s favorite rapper? E=MC Hammer. 😎
Загадки, которые были опубликованы в журнале ”Мурзилка“ 30 лет назад!!!
1.Чтобы спереди погладить, нужно сзади полизать. (Почтовая марка)
2.Кругом волоса, посредине колбаса. (Кукуруза)
3.Сверху черно внутри красно, как засунешь так прекрасно. (Галоши)
4.Волос на волос, тело на тело и начинается тёмное дело. (Веки)
5. То холодный - то горячий, то висячий - то стоячий. (Душ)
6.Туда - сюда - обратно, тебе и мне приятно. (Качели)
7. Что ты смотришь на меня? Раздевайся я твоя! (Кровать)
8.Волосатая головка за щеку заходит ловко. (Зубная щётка)
9. Мы - ребята удалые лазим в щели половые! (Веник)
10.Лежит на спине - никому не нужна. Прислони к стене - пригодится она. (Лестница)
11. В темной комнате, на белой простыне 2 часа удовольствия. (Кино)
12. Ты помни его немножко, станет твердым как картошка. (Снежок)
13.Возьму его в руки, Сожму его крепко - Он станет упругим и твердым, как репка. (Снежок)
14.Красная головка в дырку лезет ловко. (Дятел)
15.Если б не бабушкины лохматушки — мёрзли бы дедушкины колотушки. (Варежки)
16. Не хрен, не морковка — красная головка. (Пионер в пилотке)
17.Сзади подошёл, сунул и пошёл. (Тапочки)
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, he woke up.
Coworker: Do you know Juan?
Me: Be more specific. I'm Puerto Rican. We all know Juan 🇵🇷
Why did George Michael get sacked from the sweet shop?
He was careless with the wispers.
What happened when George Michael crashed his car?
Wham! 💥‼
Kid... dad! I’m hungry
Dad.... hi hungry.... I’m dad... nice to meet ya! 😎
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, "Nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you, I've been doing squats."😊
"I don't care that they stole my idea. I care that they don't have any of their own."
Nikola Tesla
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast! 🏃♂️🏃♀️
The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is never more than a whim away! 🦁
Some people are like clouds
When they fuck off its a nice day. 😎
I'm kinda apprehensive to share this chemistry joke!
I don't think I'll get the right reaction...😏
I've been married long enough to know that when my wife says 'I love you', she is talking to the dog 🐕
I'm currently studying the Ancient Chinese art of bakery.
It's called Kuh ki do 🥐
I got paid for being part of a study at the sleep clinic-
– It was my dream job! 😃
I recently started smoking again.
I've saved an absolute fortune on electronic cigarettes nicotine patches and gum.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon......I'll let you know which comes first!😆
I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD.
It was here a minute ago. 📀
If quizzes are quizzical,
What are tests?
The rotation of the earth really made my day 🌍
My dogs are called Rolex and Timex......They"re watchdogs
A very obese man goes to a nude beach he is walking up and down the shore line when a man approaches him and asks him hey man when is the last time you saw your dick??? The obese man replies shit man it's been years...with out batting an eye the man says why don't you diet...the obese man says why what color is it now???
i never make joke about people with disabilities...it is so lame.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells. 👀
A world without women would be a pain in the ass 🤐
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you've already told her twice.
Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”
“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.
The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.
The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: “Man, what happened?”
He said: “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.” 😁
2020 divided by 5 is 404, so the whole year is an error and now we have a virus. 😎
A boy goes into a pub, "give me 10 Pernod and blackcurrant".. The barman lines them up and the boy sinks them one after the other. "bloody hell, what are you celebrating?" asked the barman... "my first blowjob" said the boy. "Oh that is something to celebrate, have another on the house"
The boy looks at him and says "I've just drunk 10, another one isn't going to take the taste away".....
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.