Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days." 👨‍⚕️

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news. 😎

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals. ☦

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. 🚸

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. 🔥

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”
― Alfred Tennyson

“Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard

The desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with the acquisition of it. Laurence Sterne

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
Confucius

To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.
Lao Tzu

Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.
Albert Einstein

The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Eden Phillpotts

You know where I store my dad jokes ?

In a dad-a-base

Hey everyone! I just invented a new word!!
Plagiarism...😏

What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt?
New Jersey! 🤗

I overdosed on Viagra once.
It was the hardest day of my life!

Q: Why is being in a rock band like a palm job?
A: The more you rock, the better you feel. 🤘

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
A: He could read lips! 💋

Q: Why do women have two holes.
A: So that when they are drunk, you can carry them like a six pack! 😁

Q: What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A: A pussy is sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and a useful thing. The cunt is the thing that owns it!

Q: What's the smallest hotel known to man?
A: A pussy. Because you leave your bags outside! 🏨

Q: How do you know when your husband eats too much pussy?
A: When he goes to the dentist to get a haircut! ✂

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
A: When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you! 😎

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a public restroom?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you!

Q: What do homosexuals and mice have in common?
A: They both hate pussy!

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So that men will speak to them! 😎

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" 😎

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

What's long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming! 👱‍♀️

What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this crap.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

What's long, green, and smells like bacon?
Kermit The Frog's fingers! 🐸

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste! 🤣

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What did the leper say to the sex worker?
Keep the tip. 🤪

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. 💵💳💲

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist. 👨‍⚕️

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year. 😎

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced. 😎

How is life like toilet paper? 🧻
You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 😏
Because his wife died!

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it. 📞

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"
"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?
A PDF file! 📁

Why can’t a person’s nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot! 🦶

How can you tell if someone is a good farmer?
He is outstanding in his field! 👨‍🌾

What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Kids don’t eat broccoli! 🥦

What do cows order from?
Cattle-logs! 📖

Why did the teddy bear not want any dessert?
Because she was stuffed! 🧸

What is the witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling! 😎

What did the traffic light say to the truck?
Don’t look! I’m changing! 🚦

Which hand is better to write with?
Neither. It’s better to write with a pencil! 🖊

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly! ⌚

What kind of room doesn’t have doors?
A mushroom! 🍄

What do you call a flower that runs on electricity?
A power plant! 🌷