Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs! 🐝

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked! 🔌⚡

Why did the teacher put on sunglasses?
Because her students were so bright! 👩‍🎓👨‍🎓

What side of a turkey has the most feathers?
The outside! 🦃

What do you call a dog that can tell time?
A watch dog! 🐶

What has hands but can’t clap?
A clock! 🕒

What can you catch but not throw?
A cold! 🥶

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“Here come the elephants!” 😀

What is the difference between elephants and grapes?
Grapes are purple. 💜

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter! 🐾

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling! 🐘

Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed! 🖼

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot! 🐔

Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank! 💵🏦

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze! 🤧

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump!

Why did the math book look so sad ?
Because it had so many problems ! 👩‍🏫

Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! 🛌

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck! 🚚

Where do cows go for entertainment?
To the moo-vies! 🐄

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner! 🏪

How do all the oceans say hello to each other?
They wave! 🌊

Teacher : “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!” Nobody stands up
Teacher : “I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!” Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher : “Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?”
Little Johnny : “No… i just feel bad that you're standing alone…” 😁

What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snowballs!!

Why are there no women on the moon?
Because it doesn't need to be cleaned 🌒

- whats the difference between a girls argument and a knife ?
- a knife has a point 🔪

How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole?
Give the woman a shovel! 😲

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!" 😀

Q: Why is a woman with no breasts a pirate's delight?
A: Because she has a sunken chest. 🏴‍☠️🦜

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: About fifty pounds. ⚖

I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband.
They all say the same thing - "Take mine."

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer. 😁

What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!

Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it has never happened. 🧻

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends." 💋

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because they found out by dragging them by their legs that their hole would fill up with mud.

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits!

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole. 😆

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

If women aren't supposed to be in the kitchen, then why do they have milk and eggs inside them?! 🥛 🥚

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 🥪

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 🍺

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is. 🚔 💃

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions. ➡

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake. 🍰

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period. 😁

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive." 💲💲💲

A man driving a car hits a woman. 🚗
Whose fault is it?
The man's.
Why was he driving in the kitchen?

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. 🌪

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..." 😎

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept. 🔪

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!" 👮‍♀️

Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy." ©

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ✈

What’s the difference between a masquito and a blonde girl.

One stops sucking when you smack it. 🦟

Why did the little girl’s ice cream melt?

She was on fire.

I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run. 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️

What do TVs and girls have in common ? 📺
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!

A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: “Is it a boy or a girl?”
The programmer replies, “Yes.”

Dirty Joke: A boy fell in the mud.

Clean Joke: He took a bath with bubbles.

Dirty Joke: Bubbles was the girl next door. 😎

my girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time……………….tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time

I used to date a girl named Ruth but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

Girl: How do you feel about abortion?
Dad: Ask your sister
Girl: I don’t have a …😁

You’d think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no… oh no he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl. 🚲

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.