Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”

Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread 🥖

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

We surely shall see the sun shine soon.

Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch ⌚

I thought I thought of thinking of thanking you.

If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?

I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen 🐈

You know New York, you need New York, you know you need unique New York. 🗽

I have got a date at a quarter to eight; I’ll see you at the gate, so don’t be late.

Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?

Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. 🍦

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

She sells seashells by the seashore.

Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says “Who is it?” followed by a man’s voice saying “Blind man”. Figuring the man wouldn’t see anything they open the door. The man walks in and says “Nice tits ladies. Now where do you want me to install these blinds?

Friend: What do you know about midgets?
Me: Very little.

Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins..

Wife hasn’t spoken to me for 3 days! Haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.
Shame, because I'd like to do it again next week.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo!

3 people having sex is a 3some.
2 people having sex is a 2some.
So would 1 person having sex be handsome ?

If a mans penis is referred as the "family jewels"...does that mean a woman's vagina is the "jewelry box"?

I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife.
He's been proper miserable lately! 😃

It was the wifes birthday so I booked a table, now she tells me that she don`t like snooker - women !!

When people say they slept like a baby, does that mean they woke up 3 times during the night screaming & shit their pants?

We were so poor Mom made us use a fork to make the soup last longer.

A patient cured is a customer lost. 💉💊👨‍⚕️

- Ватсон, вы гей?
- Да, Холмс.А как
вы догодались?
Опять наверное,метод дедукции?
- Да нет, просто спросил.

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.

Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.

This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.

"Depth 1.8metres"

Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.

More stares came her way...the sign read:

"Men's entrance"

She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.

Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.

"Repairs in progress, please use rear entrance”😆😆😆😆

It's okay if you have no idea what "prefix" means. It's not the end of the word.

I can read backwards.

I can read other words too.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.

Age is clearly a word. 😎

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter. 🧈

Q: What do lesbians need by law?
A: a liquor licence.

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: full.

I've been that depressed lately, the wife has threatened to leave me.
Even that didn't cheer me up!! 😎

People ask me why live in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is obviously a plus.😎

Don't take pregnant women seriously during delivery. They are kidding.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.

A cousin of mine who had a stuttering problem just died in prison. Poor guy didn't even finish a sentence😢

For those people concerned that Alexa is listening to your conversations, they’re now bringing out a male version.It doesn’t listen to anything.

How does Bob marley make his favourite sandwiches?.... Wi jammin 😋

A man with no arms and no legs is on a beach.. A women walks past n he's says.. Excuse me will you hug me I've never been hugged before.. She reply yes course I will...
The next women comes along... He says excuse me will you kiss me I've never kissed before she replys course I will..
. The next women comes along n he's says excuse me will you fuck me I've never been fucked before and she replys... You'll be fucked in a minute the tides coming in🤣🤣

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."
-Ernest Hemingway

I just found out there is no such thing as a free guitar. There were strings attached.😁

england doesn't have a kidney bank but it has liverpool ⚽

i bought the wife a pug dog yesterday, despite the squashed nose , bulging eyes and rolls of fat ...
the dog seems to like her .

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" 🥃

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
Total lie.
I didn't even know it was her birthday yesterday!

I asked the wife, “What would you really like for your birthday?”
Quick as a flash she replied “ A widows pension”.

What do you call a female horse who neighs loudly at night and disturbs everyone around her?

Answer: A night 'mare'.

Had my coffee cup stolen this morning.
Spent all day at the police station looking at mugshots.😇

- Is it true that God created computers?

- Yes. But it’s the devil who wrote the software.

I've just found an old photograph of me in my boxing days.
If you turn it sideways, it looks like I'm standing up. 🥊

A human drinking vampire blood.
Vampires asks "what does it taste like"
Human answers "like irony".

As a lumberjacks I cut 2457 trees.
I know because every time I cut one I keep a Log.

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?
Me: I bring a lot to the table. 👨‍💼

I used to be addicted to soap.
But now I’m clean! 🧼

How do you describe a cow that has just given birth?
De-caffeinated. 🐄

The police arrested a dog that was giving birth on the side of the road.
Littering is a crime apparently.

I met a sexy electrician!
She LED me on,
and I couldn't resistor.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Anyone got any good big bird puns....
They’re Emusing. 😍

Are puns about Amputation allowed??
Or maybe they're too Lame.

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…
it's easy as pi! 🤗

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.
All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Nelson Mandela gets a knock on the door.

The guy says “where do you want me to drop off these car parts?

NM says “What car parts, I haven’t ordered any? Show me the delivery note please?”

He reads the note and says “you stupid man, it says here
Nissan Main Dealer !!!!!”

What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An Ill eagle alien.

Drill Sergeant: Private Smith!!! I did not see you at the camouflage class this morning!!!

Private Smith: Thank you Sir!!!

Adult Supervision.
What a joke.

I'm 54 and if anything, my vision is getting worse!