Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I shave every day, but my beard stays the same. What am I?
Answer: A barber

What can you keep after giving to someone?
Answer: Your word

A man who was outside in the rain without an umbrella or hat didn’t get a single hair on his head wet. Why?
Answer: He was bald. 👩‍🦲

What goes up but never comes down?
Answer: Your age

What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it?
Answer: A promise

What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
Answer: The future

Q: Who keeps the ocean clean?
A: The mermaid. 🧜‍♀️

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles. 😎

Q: How do you stop a fish from smelling?
A: Cut it's nose off.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always”.

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks. 😎

Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! 🌼

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud. ☁

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.🎅

Q: Why is “U” the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of “fun”.

Why are men so smart during sex?
Cause they’re plugged into a genius!

Q: How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred. One to change it, and ninety-nine to stand around and say, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Q: How many Hollywood actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him. 💡

Q: What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
A: The wrong answer. 🙄

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they’re simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs. ⛄

Q: What goes black white, black, white, black, white?
A: A Penguin rolling down a hill! 🐧

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot! 🥕

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places! ♥

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What is the different between a basketball and a sex?
A: The basketball dribble first then shoot while the sex shoot first then dribble… 🏀

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: You don’t have to turn a blonde on to get her wet. 🚿

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone. 👱‍♀️

Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One prick and they’re done.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it. 🍺

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 😁

Q: What is Fast Food?
A: A chicken running down the road. 🐔

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: He said, "Lunch is on me!"

Q: What is it called when Tom Cruise has a boner?
A: Holly-wood. 😎

Q: Why isn't Snoop Dogg aloud to stop at rest areas?
A: Because the sign says 'All dogs must be on leashes'

Q: What is Oprah Winfrey's ghost called?
A: Phantom of the Oprah. 👻

Q: Why did Miley Cyrus end her engagement to Liam Hemsworth?
A: They couldn't twerk it out...

Q: How do you break Steve Wonder's neck?
A: Speed up the music. 😀

Q: How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?
A: Blind date.

Q: Have you seen the new Ray Charles Pepsi commercial?
A: Neither has he! 😎

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Nicolas Cage just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

Q: Why did Nicolas Cage buy a BMW?
A: More head room. 🚗

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory. 🖥

What did Mike Tyson say to his girlfriend?
Your EARresistable 👂

Q: Difference between Madonna and the Titanic?
A: More people have gone down on Madonna.

Rude people are like dicks.
They’re always popping up at inopportune times and they deserve a good beating. 😎

My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.
I guess it’s because his name is Matthew. 👨‍💼

What do you call a printed dick pic?
A hard copy.

Did you see the statue of a dick?
They just erected it. 🗽

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?
His pants fit like a glove. 🧤

Why don’t ants have dicks?
If they did, they would be uncles! 🐜

Political opinions are like dicks.
It’s OK to have them, just don’t shove them down people’s throats.

Life is like a dick.
It gets hard for no reason and it is much too short.

What’s another name for a diaphragm ?
A trampoline for dicks. 😀

What happened to the man who masturbated too much in the summer?
He got heat stroke. 🥵

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head. 😜

Where do bad dicks go?
To the penistentiary.

What happened to the man who built a penis out of Lego’s?
He got cock blocked. 🤪

What’s the insensitive part at the end of the penis called again?
Oh, right, a man.

How do you compliment someone on performing a circumcision?
Tell ’em to keep the tip.

A dick has it rough. Not only are his closest friends nuts, his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole. And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating. 😎

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? It's butt. 🦟

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said. 😁

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. 💊

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus.
And I lost my job as a bus driver! 🚌

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."
Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." 🔥

What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer. ⚕

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🐒

What gift did the kid with no hands get for his birthday?
No idea. He hasn't figured out how to open it yet.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?" ⁉

If at first you don't succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn't for you.🪂

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them. 🦴

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.