Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

As a kid I always wanted to be a banker. But now I’m a Comedian.
I guess I lost interest. 💲

When it’s raining cats and dogs, make sure not to step in a poodle!! 🐩

“Only a neutral, who is indifferent to the stake and perhaps to all stakes, can appreciate aesthetically the grandeur of a fine disaster.”
– Jean-Paul Sartre, Saint Genet

Y'all hear the rumor about the butter ?
Dont I ask me, I'm not going to "spread it"

Rumor has it that I still make too many Phil Collins jokes.
I don't care anymore.

So a guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed."
"Oh, but this is a special dog," replies the man, "he can speak English. If you pour me a beer, I'll show you."
So the bartender shrugs and serves the man a beer. He turns to his dog and asks, "Rover, how does sandpaper feel?"
Without hesitation the dog replies, "Rough! Rough!"
Angry, the bartender ejects man and dog from the bar: "Get the hell outta here!"
Outside, the man frowns, looks down at his dog and shakes his head.
"What," says the dog, "Should I have said 'abrasive'?" 🐶

My father has an irrational fear of elevators.
Naturally he is taking some steps to overcome this.

If it is 'one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go...'

Then how many cats is Elvis left with?😎

I planted weed at school
That's why they call it 'high school'

Two old ladies sitting looking at the sea
Isn’t it windy says one,
No it’s Thursday comes the reply.
So am I let’s have a cup of tea! ☕

Q:What would you call the relationship between two wires?
A:Current affairs, 🤓

On my tombstone please write "Not appreciating my puns while I was still alive was a grave mistake".

⠠⠊⠎⠀⠁⠀⠗⠊⠆⠕⠝⠀⠔⠀⠮⠀⠎⠅⠽⠦⠀⠠⠊⠀⠙⠕⠝⠠⠴⠞⠀⠐⠅⠲

or whatever Stevie Wonder said 😎

Saw absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach today... I saw a man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids... Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off... There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his batton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages... 🐊

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping 12 hours ago and hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -Ok bare with me, I have to ask some questions before we can file the report.
Husband : - Fine by me.
Inspector : -What's her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?
Husband : -Not slim, but not healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -I Never really noticed...
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -She changes it every 6 months, so I couldn't tell you.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure... either a dress or jeans...
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes!
Inspector : - What was the Color of the car?
Husband : -Black 68 Camaro SS hardtop coupe. With a 454 V8 engine, Richmond Super T-10 Transmission, Single 4 Barrel Fuel Delivery System, 12 Bolt 4.10 Posi Axle Specif., Manual Baer brake calipers clamp large drilled and slotted rotors.... And then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir... We'll find your car.

In an attempt to speed up my racing snail, I took the shell off to improve aerodynamics.
Didn’t work. If anything it makes him more sluggish. 🐌

I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs 🤗

What do you call a mexican who lost his car?
Carlos 😁

Who is Einstein’s favorite rapper? E=MC Hammer. 😎

Загадки, которые были опубликованы в журнале ”Мурзилка“ 30 лет назад!!!

1.Чтобы спереди погладить, нужно сзади полизать. (Почтовая марка)

2.Кругом волоса, посредине колбаса. (Кукуруза)

3.Сверху черно внутри красно, как засунешь так прекрасно. (Галоши)

4.Волос на волос, тело на тело и начинается тёмное дело. (Веки)

5. То холодный - то горячий, то висячий - то стоячий. (Душ)

6.Туда - сюда - обратно, тебе и мне приятно. (Качели)

7. Что ты смотришь на меня? Раздевайся я твоя! (Кровать)

8.Волосатая головка за щеку заходит ловко. (Зубная щётка)

9. Мы - ребята удалые лазим в щели половые! (Веник)

10.Лежит на спине - никому не нужна. Прислони к стене - пригодится она. (Лестница)

11. В темной комнате, на белой простыне 2 часа удовольствия. (Кино)

12. Ты помни его немножко, станет твердым как картошка. (Снежок)

13.Возьму его в руки, Сожму его крепко - Он станет упругим и твердым, как репка. (Снежок)

14.Красная головка в дырку лезет ловко. (Дятел)

15.Если б не бабушкины лохматушки — мёрзли бы дедушкины колотушки. (Варежки)

16. Не хрен, не морковка — красная головка. (Пионер в пилотке)

17.Сзади подошёл, сунул и пошёл. (Тапочки)

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." 🚂

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay, he woke up.

Coworker: Do you know Juan?
Me: Be more specific. I'm Puerto Rican. We all know Juan 🇵🇷

Why did George Michael get sacked from the sweet shop?

He was careless with the wispers.

What happened when George Michael crashed his car?
Wham! 💥‼

Kid... dad! I’m hungry
Dad.... hi hungry.... I’m dad... nice to meet ya! 😎

I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.
S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u, I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."😊

"I don't care that they stole my idea. I care that they don't have any of their own."
Nikola Tesla

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast! 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️

The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is never more than a whim away! 🦁

Some people are like clouds

When they fuck off its a nice day. 😎

I'm kinda apprehensive to share this chemistry joke!

I don't think I'll get the right reaction...😏

I've been married long enough to know that when my wife says 'I love you', she is talking to the dog 🐕

I'm currently studying the Ancient Chinese art of bakery.

It's called Kuh ki do 🥐

I got paid for being part of a study at the sleep clinic-

– It was my dream job! 😃

I recently started smoking again.

I've saved an absolute fortune on electronic cigarettes nicotine patches and gum.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon......I'll let you know which comes first!😆

I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD.
It was here a minute ago. 📀

If quizzes are quizzical,
What are tests?

The rotation of the earth really made my day 🌍

My dogs are called Rolex and Timex......They"re watchdogs

A very obese man goes to a nude beach he is walking up and down the shore line when a man approaches him and asks him hey man when is the last time you saw your dick??? The obese man replies shit man it's been years...with out batting an eye the man says why don't you diet...the obese man says why what color is it now???

i never make joke about people with disabilities...it is so lame.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells. 👀

A world without women would be a pain in the ass 🤐

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you've already told her twice.

Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”
“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.
The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.
The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: “Man, what happened?”
He said: “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.” 😁

2020 divided by 5 is 404, so the whole year is an error and now we have a virus. 😎

A boy goes into a pub, "give me 10 Pernod and blackcurrant".. The barman lines them up and the boy sinks them one after the other. "bloody hell, what are you celebrating?" asked the barman... "my first blowjob" said the boy. "Oh that is something to celebrate, have another on the house"
The boy looks at him and says "I've just drunk 10, another one isn't going to take the taste away".....

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.

What kind of Mexican food never shuts up?
Talk-Os 🌮

Why do women parachutists wear jockstraps? So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Analgesics:
But what if the pain isn't in my arse ? 🤣

Hitting the gym to release stress is NOT nearly as effective as hitting the dick or the cunt that caused the fucking stress.

What do you call a germ with a ton of followers?
An Instagram influenza.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.🐩

Does anyone actually find elevator music uplifting ? 🎼

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.
I think she is a keeper. 🦍

Husband comes home and finds his wife sitting-up in bed with a massive pair of boobs that she didn't have earlier.He said "where did you get those from?" She said "I went to a trash and treasure market today and a man sold me a magic mirror,so I hung it behind the bathroom door and said"mirror mirror on the door,I have small boobs please give me more" and this is what happened." He said "wow, I might have a go." So he goes into the bathroom and says "mirror mirror on the door,make my willy touch the floor" and his legs fell off !

- I'm going fishing.
- You got any worms?
- Yea but I'm going anyway. 🤓

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg.
He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts." 😎

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it’s the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, i’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, stiff willies with huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 😃

Before was was was, was was is.

Everyone who wears glasses 👓does so in order to look better.

My son's Math Teacher called him average.
I think he's mean. 🧐

How do you know when a blond is using a vibrator???
All her front teeth are chipped...

Does Steve Wonder why Tom Waits ? 😎

My girlfriend just said I’m gay.....
If my nails weren’t drying, I would have punched her 💅

If a midget smokes weed, does he get high or medium 🤔

It's called the circle of life cause it has no point.

Are locksmiths on lockdown?
Or are they considered key worker? 🗝️

Someone has started making glass coffins.
Will they be popular?
Remains to be seen.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!" 😎

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz...🤗

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

I can never remember what chloroform smells like 👃