Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a germ with a ton of followers?
An Instagram influenza.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.🐩

Does anyone actually find elevator music uplifting ? 🎼

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.
I think she is a keeper. 🦍

Husband comes home and finds his wife sitting-up in bed with a massive pair of boobs that she didn't have earlier.He said "where did you get those from?" She said "I went to a trash and treasure market today and a man sold me a magic mirror,so I hung it behind the bathroom door and said"mirror mirror on the door,I have small boobs please give me more" and this is what happened." He said "wow, I might have a go." So he goes into the bathroom and says "mirror mirror on the door,make my willy touch the floor" and his legs fell off !

- I'm going fishing.
- You got any worms?
- Yea but I'm going anyway. 🤓

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg.
He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts." 😎

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it’s the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, i’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, stiff willies with huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 😃

Before was was was, was was is.

Everyone who wears glasses 👓does so in order to look better.

My son's Math Teacher called him average.
I think he's mean. 🧐

How do you know when a blond is using a vibrator???
All her front teeth are chipped...

Does Steve Wonder why Tom Waits ? 😎

My girlfriend just said I’m gay.....
If my nails weren’t drying, I would have punched her 💅

If a midget smokes weed, does he get high or medium 🤔

It's called the circle of life cause it has no point.

Are locksmiths on lockdown?
Or are they considered key worker? 🗝️

Someone has started making glass coffins.
Will they be popular?
Remains to be seen.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!" 😎

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz...🤗

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

I can never remember what chloroform smells like 👃

I'm going fishing today with my two friends Rod and Annette.. 🎣

I hurt my back in Egypt once .. needed a Cairo-practer. )

Anyone can be an asshole, but I prefer to call you 'Ankles' because you're 3 feet below a cunt!

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am 😎

Did you know that protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were catholic.

How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?

How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.

Why do most men have a beer belly?
So that his best friend has a roof over his head.

What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.

What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a penis.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores. 😴

Why do men put women on pedastals?
So they can look up their skirts. 😎

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
Before marriage, and after marriage. 💍💒

What's a man's idea of a sophisticated cocktail?
A pint of beer with an olive in it. 🍻

If a man and woman both jumped off a high building, who'd land first?
The woman. The man would get lost on the way.

Why are men like toilets?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

What do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin. 💊

Why don't men make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe. 🧊

For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence. 😎

Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.

Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.

What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. 🍺

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them. ☁🌡

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes. 👔

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer. 🎁

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 👌

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 🍿

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say. 👨

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy. 🔗

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence. ✈

Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any. 😁

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.

An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." 😁

Old lady says to her husband one morning..
My nipples are as hot today as they where 50 years ago...
Husband replies they would be..
Ones in your coffee and the others in your porridge !! 🤗

Don't name a male dog Karma.
Karma’s a bitch.

Never objectify any woman. It hates that.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!” 😎

What does a man have in his trousers that a lady doesn’t want in her face?
Wrinkles.

Every man has one. Some are big, some are small. It feels great when you blow it, but it drips if you aren’t careful. What is it?
A nose.