Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Don't you hate when people answer their own questions? I do.

What do you call a jew who isn't fully committed to their religion?
.
.
Jew-ish.

Laughter is the best medicine. Except for diarrhoea. 😊

Filipinos be like:
Paul! be carepaul, you might paul in da swimming paul!

Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison. He couldn’t finish his sentence. 😪

Little Tony took a drink, But he will drink no more, For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4 ⚗️

Lord! Your sons are using hand sanitizer to masturbate ✊🍆💦 in order to come clean 🤦‍♂️

I've been diagnosed with a rare disease called Airport building syndrome.
They said it is terminal. 🛩

My friend is obsessed with collecting every Beatles album.
She needs Help.

Question: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

How did the pirate get the flag at such a low price ?

He got it on sail.

I just bought
Neil Diamond’s car off eBay.
...yep...
Sweet car online.

Why was the barn so noisy? The cows had horns. 📯

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt." 🤪

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

The opposite of Microsoft Office is Macrohard Onfire.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
Each one got 6 months. 🗓

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers. 👨‍🔬

После второй бутылки водки Дмитрий понял,что Зинаида настолько красива,что он её недостоин. 😁

People who use the wrong word for things should at least have the humidity to admit it once in a while.

What animal can jump higher than the Empire State Building??

They all can! Buildings can't jump!! 😏

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

What is an Eskimos favourite song ?
Whale meat again. 🐳

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work...📢

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger

Then it hit me 🏀

A Dentist Was Caught Having Sex With His Patient.
Next Day The Newspaper Headlines Were.
Dentist Caught Filling The Wrong Hole! 🔞

I built a robot of the lead singer of the band that did ‘you really got me’. It doesn’t work properly, and I’m still trying to figure out the kinks.

My first day on the job at the bank today and I was fired. All because a Lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

Astronomers recently discovered a crack in uranus. 🛸

Having sex with a depressed person is necrophilia. Cause we're dead inside. 😉

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR .. it's SHOWTIME!!!

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed. 😎

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

I asked my doctor how long can someone live without a brain. He said l don't know how old are you. 👨‍⚕️

Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.

Not to brag but I have satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.

Why do we get so mad at lazy people... they didn’t do nothing. 😎

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to speak. 🤗

Cereal drowns in milk therefore milk is a cereal killer.

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre 😎

When a menstruating girl sits on a table, can we call it a periodic table?

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer said, “What’s your name son?”

He replied “D-d-d-d-Dav-David ,sir”

The officer looked at him suspiciously and asked,” Do you have a stutter?”

The guy replied, “No sir, My dad had a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate was a jerk!”

If a lion wants to eat its entire family, It must swallow its pride. 🦁

Don't go camping alone, there's evil intent...⛺

A White Horse went into a Bar and said " A Pint of Lager "and The Barman said" Do you know that there is a Whisky named after You " and the Horse 🐴 said " What ERIC?

People who misuse their words on Facebook should be band. 🩹🩹

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

What's the opposite of isolate?

YouSoEarly.

Murder Hornets are a Russian Hoax;

It's a Cagey Bee! 🐝

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it "brella" but he hesitated

Did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall or was he.... eggsacuted.

Four years in the University and never dated a single lady.

I guess I really came for a Bachelor's Degree.

My buddy asked me if I have any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite
I said NaBrO.

Apparently, 200 jobs are to be lost at kodak..

More on this as it develops 🤓

Tim bought 2 goldfish and named them 1 and 2. If 1 died, he'll still have 2. 🤣

It's a 5 min. walk from my house to the bar, but it's a 45 min. walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

Why did the dictionary run from the tornado?
Because it didn't want the tornado to twist its words. 📖

For the one who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

I once told a joke about a tv aerial but it didn’t get a very good reception 📺

I'm not racist, I love all races.
Except marathons.
Fuck running. 🏃‍♀️

Do you think Satan has Hell listed as an LLC or is he a Soul proprietor? 👹

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Well if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan...🐥🐤🐔

What's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.

America: Oh China thinks they’re the epicenter? Wait till we play our Trump card 🃏

What did the sea say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved. 🌊

He knew his bald head was egg-shaped, but he wanted to ovoid the truth. 🥚

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day. 👞👞

Why was the beaker so smart? It was graduated. 🧪

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater. ⚖

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer.
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages. 👴

I've been troubled by this for a long time: Why is Madison Square Garden round?

I’m thinking about getting a side job cleaning mirrors. It’s something that I can see myself doing.

A disc jockey's favorite song is A HORSE WITH NO NAME.🐴

I broke my finger last week .. On the other hand I'm OK..

My grandfather destroyed 30 German planes during World War II.

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.