Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What four letter word begins with “f” and ends with “k”, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands instead?
A fork.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s is really long. Michael J. Fox’s is really short. Mickey Mouse’s isn’t human. Madonna doesn’t have one. What is it?
A last name.

What do men keep in their pants that their partners sometimes blow?
Money.

What does a cow have four of that a woman only has two of?
Legs. 😎

What does a cow have four of that a woman only has two of?
Legs. 😎

What’s six inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates?
A toothbrush.

I have no life, but I can die, what am I?
A battery.

What’s a plumber’s favorite song?
“Singing in the Drain.”

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him underwater for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

Answer:
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples. Why?
Answer:
An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?
Answer: Silence.

What begins with an “e” and only contains one letter?
Answer: An envelope

If two’s company, and three’s a crowd, what are four and five?
Answer: Nine

I am an odd number. Take away a letter and I become even. What number am I?
Answer: Seven 😁

What has hands, but can’t clap?
Answer: A clock

What has legs, but doesn’t walk?
Answer: A table

What has lots of eyes, but can’t see?
Answer: A potato 🥔

If you’re running in a race and you pass the person in second place, what place are you in?
Answer: Second place 😀

What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Answer: A staircase

What gets bigger when more is taken away?
Answer: A hole 🕳

I have branches, but no fruit, trunk or leaves. What am I?
Answer: A bank 🏦

I shave every day, but my beard stays the same. What am I?
Answer: A barber

What can you keep after giving to someone?
Answer: Your word

A man who was outside in the rain without an umbrella or hat didn’t get a single hair on his head wet. Why?
Answer: He was bald. 👩‍🦲

What goes up but never comes down?
Answer: Your age

What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it?
Answer: A promise

What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
Answer: The future

Q: Who keeps the ocean clean?
A: The mermaid. 🧜‍♀️

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles. 😎

Q: How do you stop a fish from smelling?
A: Cut it's nose off.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always”.

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks. 😎

Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! 🌼

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud. ☁

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.🎅

Q: Why is “U” the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of “fun”.

Why are men so smart during sex?
Cause they’re plugged into a genius!

Q: How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred. One to change it, and ninety-nine to stand around and say, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Q: How many Hollywood actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him. 💡

Q: What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
A: The wrong answer. 🙄

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they’re simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs. ⛄

Q: What goes black white, black, white, black, white?
A: A Penguin rolling down a hill! 🐧

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot! 🥕

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places! ♥

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What is the different between a basketball and a sex?
A: The basketball dribble first then shoot while the sex shoot first then dribble… 🏀

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: You don’t have to turn a blonde on to get her wet. 🚿

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone. 👱‍♀️

Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One prick and they’re done.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it. 🍺

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 😁

Q: What is Fast Food?
A: A chicken running down the road. 🐔

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: He said, "Lunch is on me!"

Q: What is it called when Tom Cruise has a boner?
A: Holly-wood. 😎

Q: Why isn't Snoop Dogg aloud to stop at rest areas?
A: Because the sign says 'All dogs must be on leashes'

Q: What is Oprah Winfrey's ghost called?
A: Phantom of the Oprah. 👻

Q: Why did Miley Cyrus end her engagement to Liam Hemsworth?
A: They couldn't twerk it out...

Q: How do you break Steve Wonder's neck?
A: Speed up the music. 😀

Q: How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?
A: Blind date.

Q: Have you seen the new Ray Charles Pepsi commercial?
A: Neither has he! 😎

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Nicolas Cage just died!" The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

Q: Why did Nicolas Cage buy a BMW?
A: More head room. 🚗

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory. 🖥

What did Mike Tyson say to his girlfriend?
Your EARresistable 👂

Q: Difference between Madonna and the Titanic?
A: More people have gone down on Madonna.

Rude people are like dicks.
They’re always popping up at inopportune times and they deserve a good beating. 😎

My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.
I guess it’s because his name is Matthew. 👨‍💼

What do you call a printed dick pic?
A hard copy.

Did you see the statue of a dick?
They just erected it. 🗽

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?
His pants fit like a glove. 🧤

Why don’t ants have dicks?
If they did, they would be uncles! 🐜

Political opinions are like dicks.
It’s OK to have them, just don’t shove them down people’s throats.

Life is like a dick.
It gets hard for no reason and it is much too short.

What’s another name for a diaphragm ?
A trampoline for dicks. 😀

What happened to the man who masturbated too much in the summer?
He got heat stroke. 🥵

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head. 😜

Where do bad dicks go?
To the penistentiary.

What happened to the man who built a penis out of Lego’s?
He got cock blocked. 🤪