Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: Difference between Madonna and the Titanic?
A: More people have gone down on Madonna.

Rude people are like dicks.
They’re always popping up at inopportune times and they deserve a good beating. 😎

My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick.
I guess it’s because his name is Matthew. 👨‍💼

What do you call a printed dick pic?
A hard copy.

Did you see the statue of a dick?
They just erected it. 🗽

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?
His pants fit like a glove. 🧤

Why don’t ants have dicks?
If they did, they would be uncles! 🐜

Political opinions are like dicks.
It’s OK to have them, just don’t shove them down people’s throats.

Life is like a dick.
It gets hard for no reason and it is much too short.

What’s another name for a diaphragm ?
A trampoline for dicks. 😀

What happened to the man who masturbated too much in the summer?
He got heat stroke. 🥵

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head. 😜

Where do bad dicks go?
To the penistentiary.

What happened to the man who built a penis out of Lego’s?
He got cock blocked. 🤪

What’s the insensitive part at the end of the penis called again?
Oh, right, a man.

How do you compliment someone on performing a circumcision?
Tell ’em to keep the tip.

A dick has it rough. Not only are his closest friends nuts, his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole. And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating. 😎

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? It's butt. 🦟

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said. 😁

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. 💊

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus.
And I lost my job as a bus driver! 🚌

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."
Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." 🔥

What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer. ⚕

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🐒

What gift did the kid with no hands get for his birthday?
No idea. He hasn't figured out how to open it yet.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?" ⁉

If at first you don't succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn't for you.🪂

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them. 🦴

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him. 🌟

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!" 😁

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. 😁

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days." 👨‍⚕️

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news. 😎

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals. ☦

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. 🚸

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. 🔥

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”
― Alfred Tennyson

“Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard

The desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with the acquisition of it. Laurence Sterne

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
Confucius

To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.
Lao Tzu

Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.
Albert Einstein

The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Eden Phillpotts

You know where I store my dad jokes ?

In a dad-a-base

Hey everyone! I just invented a new word!!
Plagiarism...😏

What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt?
New Jersey! 🤗

I overdosed on Viagra once.
It was the hardest day of my life!

Q: Why is being in a rock band like a palm job?
A: The more you rock, the better you feel. 🤘

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
A: He could read lips! 💋

Q: Why do women have two holes.
A: So that when they are drunk, you can carry them like a six pack! 😁

Q: What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A: A pussy is sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and a useful thing. The cunt is the thing that owns it!

Q: What's the smallest hotel known to man?
A: A pussy. Because you leave your bags outside! 🏨

Q: How do you know when your husband eats too much pussy?
A: When he goes to the dentist to get a haircut! ✂

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
A: When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you! 😎

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a public restroom?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you!

Q: What do homosexuals and mice have in common?
A: They both hate pussy!

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So that men will speak to them! 😎

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"