Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What’s brown and sticky?
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A stick 😎

What does Whinne The Pooh and John The Baptist have in common?
Their middle name. 🐻🧔

Q:Whats the longest word in the dictionary ?
A: SMILES 😀
because there is a mile between the first and last letter

If you saw a dude wearing a suit of armor happily singing outside, would you...
Just close your curtains and call it a knight??

Got a new job at the Guillotine Factory...
I'll beheading there shortly 💀

Periods aren't actually that bad, women are just ovary acting 😂

A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone:
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs. "That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar.
The bartender says. "You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"
The proud father answers. "17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............
"Had him circumcised" 🤣

You cannot take a picture
of a guy with a wooden leg,
you have to use
a camera. 📷

Racecar backwards is racecar
Racecar upside down is expensive. 🏎

A balloonist offered me Helium,how noble of him.

There was a spider on my keyboard. It's under control now.

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy. 🐶

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
That's right, owls hoo 🦉

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 📺

I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese.
How dairy! 🧀

I used to be in a band called The Hinges.

We supported The Doors.

Harrison Ford has released a compilation of songs that are based on the Star Wars trilogy.
It's his first Solo album.

It's not that the aspiring clown did not know how to juggle ... he just didn't have the balls to do it...🤓

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello to the other sideeeeee!
😏😏😏

What's blue and smells like yellow paint?....
Blue paint!!

A 5 year old just gave me a one-legged Batman doll.

Sure it's a nice gift, but I really can't stand it.

Nice resume, Mr. Hendrix, but are you expirienced ? 🎸

My Uncle👴🏾 took my weed 💨 So I took his wheelchair ♿ Ain't Nobody 🙅🏾 rolling shit around here 😂

My farmer friend used his stimulus money to buy chickens.
He got his money for nothing and his chicks for Free. 😊

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.
But the light bulb has to want to change...💡

When I watched
The Omen backwards,
I found Nemo. 🐟

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right... 😃

Earth has become a disco.

And you know what we do at the disco?
Panic. 📀🔊🎼

What do you call an Eskimo's house without a toilet?
An ig!!!

What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt. 😎

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Why couldn't the bicycle stay out late? He was two tired...

Why does Ed not have a girlfriend?
Because Sheeran away.

I wanted to buy a dozen bees at the apiary. The beekeeper presented me with thirteen. He said one was a freebie. 🐝

Sometimes they don't love you, They love how you love them.

The difference between a crocodile and an alligator depends on whether you see them in a little while or you see them later. 🐊

I am always right! I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
No? Well, you don’t know what you’re missing! 🏹

Astronomers got tired of watching the Moon go around the Earth for 24 hours so they decided to call it a day! 🌘

Do not spell the word "part" backward
It's a Trap.

- А это точно поможет? - спросила Царевна Несмеяна, осторожно затягиваясь...😚🚬

Italian Altar Boy Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell. '
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Dominic walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.' 😁

Ants have colonies on all continents except Antarctica, the only continent with the word "ant" in it. 🐜

If anyone finds a hearing aid can you give me a shout ? 📢

I ate a paper once and my fart smells like sheet!!! 👃

If anyone knows how to reverse plastic surgery, I'm all ears!

A recent survey showed that women who carry a little bit extra weight live longer then men who mention it.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

My wife told me that I have only two flaws.
That I don't listen and something else. 🙄

Why was fiddler afraid to go to the city? Lots of violins
🤔 🎻 👀

Last night I had a dream that I died, went to hell and Satan made me karaoke with him...that's right, the devil made me duet! 👺

Before Einstein discovered relativity what did we call our family members?

- That Prostitute Just Bought A House. She's A Ho' Moaner Now. 😂

A beaver walks into a bar.
The bartender says "SHUT THE DAM DOOR" 🚪

A polar bear walks into a convenience store and says, "I'll have a coke and uuuuuuuuuhhhh candy bar."
The clerk says, "ceetainly... but why the long pause"
The polar bear looks at his hands and says, "I dont know, I've always had them".

A priest, a rabbi and a horse walked into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this? a joke?"

My dad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Great man.
Awful fireman. 🔥🚒👩‍🚒

I only like 25 letters in the alphabet
I don't know "y"

👴🏻: "You took my daughter's virginity"
👨🏼: "I'm sorry Sir, won't happen again"

The only City I'm gonna visit after lockdown ends is Obesity. 🏙

Men, never argue with a woman cos she's got four lips. 💋

What’s green and brown has 6 legs and if it falls out a tree it’ll kill you?

A snooker table. 🎱

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

- Циля, сколько ты дала за эту прелестную шляпку?
- Ни разу, мне её муж купил! 👒

I was washing the car with my son today.

A passer by said "maybe you should use a sponge next time"😃

Orthodontists just announced they will go on nationwide strike.

Brace yourselves!

What did the tree say to autumn?

Leaf me alone.

What do you call a fly with no wings ? ........
A walk 🚶‍♀️

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows. 👃

Google so useless I searched for a lighter and I got 2000 matches 😁

Question:
What Happened When 50cent Got Hungry?

58 😂😂😂

"I know of only two things that are infinite. The universe and human stupidity..... and I'm uncertain about the universe".
Albert Einstein

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room.
I said, “I’m Indiana Jones, get out!”

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." 🐩

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 😐

my next book- "How to Fall Down a Staircase:
a step-by-step guide" 📖

I’m hosting a charity event for people that can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.

Last night my wife and I made love doggy style. I sat up and begged...she rolled over and played dead. 😎

A man who is uncircumcised is a complete dick. 😆

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love” - Albert Einstein