Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.🤗

I wanted to join Space Force, but ended up in the Air Force.
Recruiter told 'sky was the limit.' 🚀

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.

Do not believe the Belgian king. Frequently he waffles. I'm not going to sugar-coat it.

Which day do chickens

hate the most?

Friday. 🐔

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A gummy bear 🐻

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law. ✝️👨‍🎓

How do you keep a dummy in suspense?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'll tell you later.

I just ate a clock. It was time consuming. 🧭

If a king farts..

Is it a noble gas? 🧬

Я не понимаю,нафига заводить детей и внуков,если можно как миссис Хадсон сдать часть хаты каким-нибудь импульсивным,интересным геям и всю старость тусить с ними, периодически подъёбывая...

Grandpa complained that his new trousers fitted him like a cheap castle
There was no
Ballroom. 😯

Last night I had a dream about Gloria Gaynor...

At first I was afraid.... Then I was petrified 🤗

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

If a woman cockblocks another woman, is that a beaver dam or taco blocko? 😎

I used to work at a bank 🤔
but I lost interest 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Why don’t you ever find hippos hiding in trees..?
Because they’re so good at it.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer! 🧱

She left me because I was average. Now she is telling everyone that I was mean to her.

What do you call a dog with no legs...?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't going to come.

T-Rex hurt his knee.
He has a Dino Sore.

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now we just call him Dav.🕊️

I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili 🌶

I can't say enough about dry erase boards... they're remarkable.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp.
The police are looking into it. 👮🏿‍♂️

Bought a bunch of boats today, couldn’t resist they were on sail.🚤⛵🚢

What’s the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo...

One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter !! 🦛

I wanted to purchase the famous painting called Water Lillies.

Sadly, I didn't have enough Monet......💰

A mathematician in quarantine began to eat his chips. He ate 1 then another, then 2, then 3, then 5 then 8...
He was stuck in a fibbi-nacho sequence. 📈

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.🤓

Well I wanted to make a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.

My friend called me up freaking out saying an evil wizard had turned him into a harp. I rushed over to his house as fast as I could just to find out that he's a big lyre. 🤒

"All I have is diamonds, spades and clubs.", Tom said heartlessly. 🃏

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help.
But I stand corrected.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?" 😃

When I accidentally stabbed myself with a pencil, I drew blood. 🩸

A blonde dude called the fire department screaming, "HURRY, MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" Fireman says, "Just tell us how to get there." Dude says, "Duh, big red truck"

Gentleman tip: If a lady sends pictures of her privates to you, you will respectfully thank for the cuntent provided.

How do you throw a space party?
You planet! 🥳🎉🎈

Teacher: what's more dangerous than a nuclear bomb explosion?
Me: hacking stack over flow and disable copy paste 😣

Woke up feeling like a banana. Anyway, speak to you later. Gotta split...🍌

What’s the difference between in-laws &outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted. 🤣

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me poor and ugly.

Shooting at NASCAR event. Police believe it was race related. 🚗

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

A guy tried to annoy me with "bird puns"...but I soon realized toucan play this game.

New Tesla’s don’t come with the ‘new car smell’
They come with an Elon Musk 🚘

What did the Bra say to the hat? You go on a head I'll give these two a lift. 👒

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

When it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking sad.
Maybe I should let her in.

Q:
What's the difference between a good lead guitar player and a good investment?
A:
The investment will eventually mature and make money

If I had to rate our solar system, I’d give it just one star., ✳️

My Korean friend just died.
He was So Yung.

It really would be weird if trees produce milk.

Wooden tit? 🍼

What’s the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey. 🐝

People nowadays are just way too judgemental.
You can tell just by looking at them.

Где-то Одессе.
- У Вас есть удлинитель?
- Это таки сильно зависит от того,шо именно вы хотите удлиннить..😎

I used to be indecisive, now I’m just not sure.

How does Moses make his coffee?

He brews it.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

If I ever have twin daughters I'll name them
Kate & Duplikate 👧👧

What do you call a line of men, waiting for their haircut?

A barberqueue. 💇‍♂️💇‍♀️

I work for money.
If you want loyality, hire a dog 🐩

Ants never get sick because they have little anty-bodies.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card.

She's not sick, I just think she could get better.

Patient: Doctor, my eye hurts whenever I have my morning coffee!
Doctor: Take the teaspoon out of the cup before you drink your coffee. ☕🥄

I hate insects puns, they really bug me. 🐜

My friend tried to explain electricity to me and I was like, "Watt?" ⚡💡🔌

Our new I.T. guy at the office was born in Australia.
I just had to ask him; "Do you come from the LAN down under?" 🖥

What did they call the kangaroo that was a certified genius?
A quantum leap!

Did you hear about the pirate that quit smoking... he used the patch.

Do you think when Sting retires he'll change his name to Stung ? 🤓

If anyone knows a good fishing joke plz let minnow....

Two sodium atoms together make a fish . 2Na 🐟

How do you get a country girl's attention?...
A tractor. 🚜

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. 😋