Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

What's long, green, and smells like bacon?
Kermit The Frog's fingers! 🐸

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste! 🤣

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What did the leper say to the sex worker?
Keep the tip. 🤪

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. 💵💳💲

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist. 👨‍⚕️

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year. 😎

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced. 😎

How is life like toilet paper? 🧻
You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 😏
Because his wife died!

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it. 📞

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"
"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?
A PDF file! 📁

Why can’t a person’s nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot! 🦶

How can you tell if someone is a good farmer?
He is outstanding in his field! 👨‍🌾

What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Kids don’t eat broccoli! 🥦

What do cows order from?
Cattle-logs! 📖

Why did the teddy bear not want any dessert?
Because she was stuffed! 🧸

What is the witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling! 😎

What did the traffic light say to the truck?
Don’t look! I’m changing! 🚦

Which hand is better to write with?
Neither. It’s better to write with a pencil! 🖊

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly! ⌚

What kind of room doesn’t have doors?
A mushroom! 🍄

What do you call a flower that runs on electricity?
A power plant! 🌷

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs! 🐝

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked! 🔌⚡

Why did the teacher put on sunglasses?
Because her students were so bright! 👩‍🎓👨‍🎓

What side of a turkey has the most feathers?
The outside! 🦃

What do you call a dog that can tell time?
A watch dog! 🐶

What has hands but can’t clap?
A clock! 🕒

What can you catch but not throw?
A cold! 🥶

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“Here come the elephants!” 😀

What is the difference between elephants and grapes?
Grapes are purple. 💜

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter! 🐾

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling! 🐘

Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed! 🖼

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot! 🐔

Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank! 💵🏦

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze! 🤧

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump!

Why did the math book look so sad ?
Because it had so many problems ! 👩‍🏫

Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! 🛌

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck! 🚚

Where do cows go for entertainment?
To the moo-vies! 🐄

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner! 🏪

How do all the oceans say hello to each other?
They wave! 🌊

Teacher : “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!” Nobody stands up
Teacher : “I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!” Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher : “Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?”
Little Johnny : “No… i just feel bad that you're standing alone…” 😁

What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snowballs!!

Why are there no women on the moon?
Because it doesn't need to be cleaned 🌒

- whats the difference between a girls argument and a knife ?
- a knife has a point 🔪

How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole?
Give the woman a shovel! 😲

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!" 😀

Q: Why is a woman with no breasts a pirate's delight?
A: Because she has a sunken chest. 🏴‍☠️🦜

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: About fifty pounds. ⚖

I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband.
They all say the same thing - "Take mine."

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer. 😁

What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!

Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it has never happened. 🧻

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends." 💋

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because they found out by dragging them by their legs that their hole would fill up with mud.

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits!

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole. 😆

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

If women aren't supposed to be in the kitchen, then why do they have milk and eggs inside them?! 🥛 🥚

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 🥪

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 🍺

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is. 🚔 💃