Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Hear about the cannibal who was fed up with his wife and then dumped her?

Me: I feel numb.
Mathematician: I feel number.

If I ever have twin daughters I'll name them
Kate & Duplikate. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

Teacher: Why did you lace only one shoe?
Student: underneath, it's boldly written 'Taiwan'..

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador. 🐶

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Two men are sitting next to each other on a bus.
They both have a black eye.
One man asks “how’d you get get yours?”
“Oh man, I've never been more embarrassed. I went to order two bus tickets to Pittsburgh and the ticket lady had the biggest boobs i've ever seen! I tried to say "Can i please have two tickets to Pittsburgh," but I was so nervous I accidentally said 'Can I please have two Pickets to Tittsburgh?"
How’d you get your shiner?”
The other replies, “ Funny story, just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Honey, please pass the salt" But what came out was "You ruined my life you fat evil bitch!"

Why is the "L" in NOEL pronounced while it clearly says NOEL?

Ladies: If he can't appreciate fruit jokes, let that mango 🥭

Who called it a toilet seat and not an asstray? 🚽🧻

Why was the shampoo so happy? He was head and shoulders above the the rest!

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It. 😃

I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is ok....👨‍🎤

The reason why short people are always angry is because they can't reach happiness.

Does the Arachnophobia helpline have a web site? 🕷️🕸️

What do you call a man laying on your door step with no arms and no legs?
Matt.

What does a crocodile use to recover from an injury.
A Gatorade. 😀

If a short person waves at you, is that called a microwave ?

I was having sex with my girlfriend last night.
I shouted, "who's your daddy? who's your daddy?"
And she started crying... I had forgotten that she's adopted.

Do you know what is wrong with an Italian that has one arm shorter than the other? He has a speech impediment. 😛

Who can drink two litters of gasoline?
Jerry can. ⛽😲

HR: Can you give me an example of your problem solving skills
Me: I was fired from my last job and now I'm applying for this one.

Wanted to produce a movie on how to fly fish. But couldn’t get a good cast. 🐟

When the vikings die in battle, they reach Van Halen. 🤘

Q) Who declared Corona as a pandemic?
A) WHO declared Corona as a pandemic.

My girlfriend left me for an electrician. He promised her the earth!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. 🦘

Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?
They were autumn mated. 🤖

I usually wake up grumpy. But today I let her sleep in. 😎

Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials! 🥚

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm in it.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down!

Where do boats go when they get sick?

To the dock. 🤙

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries. 😲

My hubby bought me an extremely tall lamp in the sales....
it was the high light of my day. ☝

Friend went to his doctor and was told he could ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He had a weekend immune system.

What is pink and fluffy????
Pink fluff 😁

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

"A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing summer beach sandals?
Phillipe Phloppe.

Нуждаюсь в денежной работе
Но чтоб не связана с трудом. 🦥

A lad says to his school teacher.
Here sir, what do you think I’ll be when I grow up,
The teacher thinks for a minute and then replies... about 45. 🧓

My friend said he wanted me to try an exorcise bike, so i called a priest, washed it in holy water, and cast it out. 🚳

When I was younger, I had a terrible accident where I fell into an industrial upholstery machine.
It’s ok now. I’m fully recovered.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out he was an optical Aleutian.👁

What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
A bowl of surreal. 🎨🖌🖼

Why can’t you tell Elvis a joke?

Because he’ll be all shook up 🕺

I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patience. 🥼

The more you cut corners the closer you are to going in circles. 🍥

Марк Соломонович учит соседского юношу:
- Изя, пока работаешь на дядю, не заработаешь на тётю.

Did you know that Swedish warships have barcodes on them, so when they go into dock they can Scandinavian. 😜

A friend of mine can't afford their water bill, so I just sent them a get well soon card.

I warned my daughter against using her whistle in the house and gave her one last chance, but she blew it.

I WANT TO STOP MY OBSESSION WITH LISTENING TO PHIL COLLINS SONGS, BUT I KNOW IT'S...

AGAINST ALL ODDS.
❤❤❤

What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard Gas & Pepper Spray training?
A seasoned veteran. 😲

What do u call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Did you hear the one about the tornado?
SPOILER ALERT...there's a twist at the end ! 🌪

An oxymoron walked into a bar...
The silence was deafening.

I saw a man sucking on a car muffler yesterday. When I asked him about it he said he was exhausted.

Why did the blonde nurse show up to work with a red crayon?
In case she needed to draw blood. 🩸

PLEASE DO NOT EVER LOOK AT SQUIRREL POOP.
IT'S FREAKN NUTS.

Me; Is your Name Ladesh?
Him: Why?
Me; Because I wanna Bang-Ladesh

A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage.
He lost his case.

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roaming Catholic ✝

IF YOU FOUND A PICTURE OF BOTH OF YOUR MOM'S SISTERS WEARING YOUR JEANS, COULD THAT BE A CLEAR CASE OF..
AUNTS IN YOUR PANTS?? 👖

Are bras measured in cups cuz titties have milk in them ? 🍼

What do you call a code file without any text sections in it?
No strings attached.

Book now for the lecture on the expanding universe because space is limited. 🌌

What did our parents do to kill boredom before social media?
I asked my 23 brothers and sisters and they don't know either..

That seminar I was going to: “How to avoid frauds” has been canceled. Turns out tickets are non-refundable. 🎫

You never hear about the 8th or 9th dwarves, Pushy & Bully.
Little things, mean a lot.

My Mrs says I'm a rubbish electrician, well she's in for a shock. ⚡🔌

Do you think Locksmiths are key workers ? 🔑

Just heard on the TV that humans eat more bananas than monkeys..
Not surprised really, can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🙊🙉🙈

There's only three ways to come out of this lockdown: a hunk, a chunk or a drunk. 🥃

- How first user of C died?

- struct by_lighting.

How are you getting exercise during the quarantine? Me, I'm running my mouth and jumping to conclusions.

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 😁

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.