Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period. 😁

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive." 💲💲💲

A man driving a car hits a woman. 🚗
Whose fault is it?
The man's.
Why was he driving in the kitchen?

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. 🌪

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..." 😎

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept. 🔪

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!" 👮‍♀️

Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy." ©

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ✈

What’s the difference between a masquito and a blonde girl.

One stops sucking when you smack it. 🦟

Why did the little girl’s ice cream melt?

She was on fire.

I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run. 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️

What do TVs and girls have in common ? 📺
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!

A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: “Is it a boy or a girl?”
The programmer replies, “Yes.”

Dirty Joke: A boy fell in the mud.

Clean Joke: He took a bath with bubbles.

Dirty Joke: Bubbles was the girl next door. 😎

my girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time……………….tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time

I used to date a girl named Ruth but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

Girl: How do you feel about abortion?
Dad: Ask your sister
Girl: I don’t have a …😁

You’d think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no… oh no he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl. 🚲

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked his what he was suppose to be. He answered," A turtle." 'Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again. The boy answered, " it’s Michelle." 🐢

What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin. 😎

Yo mama’s so old when she was a girl rainbows were black and white 🔲

What’s the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair.so she told her sister and her sister said that aint nothing mines already eating bananas. 🍌

In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, Girl are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb 💣

The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Jonny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?” and the teacher fainted. 😁

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did. 😎

A boy walks up to a girl and says " i would tell you a joke about my dick but it’s too long" then the girl say’s " yeah, i would tell you a joke about my pussy but you’ll never get it."

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? – A waist of time. ⌛

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. – I was in the women’s bathroom. 🚺

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!” 👦

My town’s population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.💵

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.'' 👧

A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into the bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink. 🍾

It was so cold today, a Democrat had his hands in his own pockets! 😁

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Senator. 😛

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller. 😏

Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again. 💡

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

When asked if they would have sex with Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope. 🤣

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 🤑

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress ? 😎

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Measure twice cut once. 🔪

Don't judge a book by its cover.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Know which side your bread is buttered on. 🧈

A penny saved is a penny earned.

All things come to those who wait.

Don't hide your light under a bushel.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. 🐴

Eat to live; don't live to eat.

From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step.

Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. 👨‍🏫

All that glitters isn't gold.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

East or west, home is best. 🏡

You need to take a bull by the horns, and a man by his word.

A barking dog never bites.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 💖

You can kill a man but you can't kill an idea.

You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy.

You made your bed, now lie in it. 🛌

He who hesitates is lost.

If you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone. 😥

Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself.

He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another 🏃‍♀️

Actions speak louder than words.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman is leery, but she hears him out.

"What you're going to do," says the doctor "is thrice, daily, preform ten repetitions of the following." He then proceeds to put his hands under his armpits, making a sort of bird-wing-flapping motion, saying "eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I want my boobs to grow."

"You're pulling my leg," says the woman.

"No it really works for 9 out of 10 women," responds the doctor. "You should grow at least a cup size in two to three months."

Again, the woman is suspicious, but she decides to give it a try. At least for two months.

After only two weeks, doing ten repetitions, three times per day, the woman discovers that her breasts really do feel firmer and her bra seems a bit tighter. Needless to say, she decides to stay the course.

On a particularly hectic day, she is on the subway to meet a client for lunch, when she realizes that she has forgotten her midday routine. She's so dedicated and invested at this point, that she just stands up on the subway, does her thing, and sits back down, hoping nobody thinks it was too absurd.

A man on the other end of the car takes notice and walks over to her.

"Excuse me," he says "but do you happen to be a patient of Dr. Kaufman's?"

"Why yes!" she responds, "How did you know?"

The man proceeds to preform synchronized pelvic thrusts, while chanted "hickory, dickory, dock!..."

A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...
After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.

"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are able to help me reduce it."

"I know someone who can," replied the old man. "See, I was once in your shoes and had a 25 inch penis. Doctors couldn't help me either. Then one day as I sat at the lake pondering suicide, a frog hopped up on a lily pad and told me that if I asked him to marry me, that 5 inches would disappear from my penis. I know, it sounds absurd. But damn if it didn't work. You should go see him."

So the man goes to the local lake and sure enough finds the frog sitting on a lily pad. 'Here goes nothing...'

"Frog...will you marry me?"

"No," said the frog.

POOF!! 5 inches disappeared from his penis.

"WOW! It actually works! Frog....will you marry me?"

"No," replied the frog.

POOF!! Another 5 inches disappears. The man now has a 15 inch penis and thought that if he could just lose 5 more inches, he might just be able to take a woman to bed or even star in a porn flick. "I'll ask just one more time and walk away happy with a 10 inch penis."

So he asked the frog one more time. "Frog...will you marry me?"

"How many times do I have to tell you??? NO, NO, NO!!!"

Mickey and Minnie were going through a rough patch in their relationship.
They felt as though their relationship was on the rocks so they go to marriage counseling.
After some time spent, the counselor asks,
“So you’re upset because Minnie is absurdly silly?”

Mickey: “NO, it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!”

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?
A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Half my humor is puns, the other half is memes.
The third half is absurdity.

An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist
The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything. All he does is complain.”

The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?”

“I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re here in this meshuganah office,” Morty said.

“See,” his wife said, “nothing but complaints. It’s driving me crazy!”

“Ok,” said the therapist, here’s what I want you to do. Morty, do you like food?”

“Some of it.”

“Ok, I want you to name one restaurant where you’ve never had a bad meal. Can you do that?”

“Sure,” Morty said, “Eisenhower’s Deli.”

“Great! What makes the food there so good?”

“I wouldn’t know, I ordered and it never arrived!”

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...
This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medicine actually makes the illness *worse*. Then, when they go back to the doctor, he prescribes a real medication for an absurd price. This strategy has given him tons of cash over the years with no suspicions. That is, until now.

Scientists have run checks over his "medicine" and discovered the truth. The doctor is jailed for his crimes and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair at midnight.

But, when the doctor sits on the electric chair, something happens. The officer assigned to flip the electric switch to do away with the criminal is flabbergasted at how the doctor is surviving the shocks at max power. Other officers witnessed this, and finally, on the next afternoon, he is freed from all charges due to this paranormal happening.

Unfortunately, the doctor is at it again, tricking his customers. His patients are more mad than ever, and due to a mob of angry, sick civilians, the doctor is jailed and scheduled to be subjected to the wrath of the electric chair at midnight *again*.

But alas! At the stroke of midnight, although the flashes of electricity emanating from the execution room lighted the correctional facility, the doctor did not perish. They released him again in absolute bafflement.

As you may have guessed by now, the doctor continues to scam and sicken his clients. After a month, the whole world has been in outrage over the reign of this infamous doctor. The police reluctantly capture him and schedule him for the old midnight execution drill. Again.

This time, however, during the time of the execution, a stadium of people have come to watch the doctor get electrocuted like a fly in front of their eyes, including the leader of the country's police force. They flip the switch...

The doctor survives. The crowd goes silent.

The chief policeman struts over to the poor doctor and asks him, "How the singular crap are you surviving?! That was literally over a thousand damnable volts! And no, don't give me that 'I'm a bad conductor' line because I have heard that repost a million times on r/Jokes."

The doctor, blackened but very much alive, says, "Yeah, that's not it. I'm a bad con doctor."

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.

Edit 1: wow, you scrolled to the bottom and read that there's no punch line? You're such a smart and special snowflake.

Edit 2: Yeah, I get it, this joke is a repost. I have never frequented r/jokes before, but I assume that reposts happen a lot. If all jokes were original content, this sub wouldn't be so active.