Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 😎

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" 😎

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

What's long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming! 👱‍♀️

What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this crap.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

What's long, green, and smells like bacon?
Kermit The Frog's fingers! 🐸

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste! 🤣

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What did the leper say to the sex worker?
Keep the tip. 🤪

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. 💵💳💲

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist. 👨‍⚕️

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year. 😎

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced. 😎

How is life like toilet paper? 🧻
You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 😏
Because his wife died!

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it. 📞

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"
"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?
A PDF file! 📁

Why can’t a person’s nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot! 🦶

How can you tell if someone is a good farmer?
He is outstanding in his field! 👨‍🌾

What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Kids don’t eat broccoli! 🥦

What do cows order from?
Cattle-logs! 📖

Why did the teddy bear not want any dessert?
Because she was stuffed! 🧸

What is the witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling! 😎

What did the traffic light say to the truck?
Don’t look! I’m changing! 🚦

Which hand is better to write with?
Neither. It’s better to write with a pencil! 🖊

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly! ⌚

What kind of room doesn’t have doors?
A mushroom! 🍄

What do you call a flower that runs on electricity?
A power plant! 🌷

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs! 🐝

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked! 🔌⚡

Why did the teacher put on sunglasses?
Because her students were so bright! 👩‍🎓👨‍🎓

What side of a turkey has the most feathers?
The outside! 🦃

What do you call a dog that can tell time?
A watch dog! 🐶

What has hands but can’t clap?
A clock! 🕒

What can you catch but not throw?
A cold! 🥶

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“Here come the elephants!” 😀

What is the difference between elephants and grapes?
Grapes are purple. 💜

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter! 🐾

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling! 🐘

Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed! 🖼

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot! 🐔

Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank! 💵🏦

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze! 🤧

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump!

Why did the math book look so sad ?
Because it had so many problems ! 👩‍🏫

Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! 🛌

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck! 🚚

Where do cows go for entertainment?
To the moo-vies! 🐄

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner! 🏪

How do all the oceans say hello to each other?
They wave! 🌊

Teacher : “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!” Nobody stands up
Teacher : “I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!” Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher : “Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?”
Little Johnny : “No… i just feel bad that you're standing alone…” 😁

What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snowballs!!

Why are there no women on the moon?
Because it doesn't need to be cleaned 🌒

- whats the difference between a girls argument and a knife ?
- a knife has a point 🔪

How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole?
Give the woman a shovel! 😲

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!" 😀

Q: Why is a woman with no breasts a pirate's delight?
A: Because she has a sunken chest. 🏴‍☠️🦜

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: About fifty pounds. ⚖

I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband.
They all say the same thing - "Take mine."

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer. 😁

What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!

Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it has never happened. 🧻

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.