Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard."

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

Una vecina le dice a otra:
"Carmen, ¿estás enferma? Te lo pregunto porque he visto salir a un médico de tu casa esta mañana."
"Mira, vieja chismosa, ayer por la manana yo vi salir a un militar de la tuya y no estamos en guerra, ¿verdad?"

La mamá de Luis había tenido gemelos, por lo cual su papá le dice:
—Dile a la maestra que no vas a ir esta semana a la escuela.
—Sí papá, contestó Luis.
Cuando regresó Luis de la escuela, el papá le preguntó:
—¿Qué te dijo la maestra?
—Que muchas felicidades por el bebé.
Y el papá le dice asombrado:
—¡Qué, no le dijiste que eran dos!
—No, guardé el otro para la otra semana.

Pepito estaba en la escuela cuando de pronto su profera le pregunta:
"Pepito, ¿con qué mató David a Goliat?"
Y Pepito le responde:
"Con una moto, señorita."
Y su maestra muy furiosa le responde:
"¿No será con una honda, Pepito."
"¡Ah, usted quería la marca!"

Estaba una niña lavando un gato y pasa una señora y le dice:
"Pero niña, ¿qué haces lavando un gato?, ¿no sabes que así se puede morir?
Y la niña le contesta:
"¡No se muere el gato, es muy fuerte!"
Se va la señora, y en un ratillo pasa de nuevo por el lado de la niña y le pregunta:
"¿Por qué lloras?"
"Porque se me ha muerto el gato."
Y le dice la señora:
"¿No te dije que se podía morir?"
"Pero no ha sido al lavarlo, ha sido al exprimirlo."

Una mujer quería una mascota para que le hiciera compañía, así que fue a la tienda y escogió un loro. Antes de recibir el dinero, el vendedor le advirtió que el loro había vivido en un prostíbulo y acostumbraba a decir cosas... salidas de tono. Pero a la mujer le gustó tanto el loro que decidió comprarlo.
Ya en su casa, la mujer puso la jaula en la sala y esperó a que el loro hablara. El animal divisó todo el panorama y dijo:
"Nueva casa, nueva madame."
La mujer se sorprendió un poco, pero encontró graciosa la ocurrencia del loro y decidió esperar a que llegaran sus hijas adolescentes. Cuando ellas entraron, el loro exclamó:
"Nueva casa, nueva madame, nuevas zorras."
Tras su sorpresa inicial, las muchachas se rieron con su madre y esperaron a que llegara el papá. Por la noche, cuando el hombre llegó a su casa, el loro gritó:
"¡Nueva casa, nueva madame, nuevas zorras, caras conocidas! ¡Hola, Joaquín!"

—¿Cómo se llama una mujer interesante en Venezuela?
—Una turista.

En un bote viajaban un gringo, un colombiano y un mexicano cuando comenzó a hundirse... el colombiano tira por la borda 100 bolsas de coca y dice:
—En mi país tenemos de sobra...
El mexicano tira por la borda 20 cajas de tequila y dice:
—En mi país tenemos de sobra...
El gringo sin pensarlo un segundo agarra al mexicano y lo tira por la borda...

Un científico le dice a su alumno:
"Martín, he inventado la Máquina del Tiempo!"
"¿De verdad, Doctor? ¿Y cómo funciona?"
"Siéntate aquí, ten mucho cuidado y aprieta este boton."
"Bien, Doctor, ¡ahí va!"
...
"Son las diez... y veinte minutos..."

Un alto funcionario del Fondo Monetario Internacional está por llegar a un país latinoamericano a revisar cuentas fiscales. Era un día lluvioso, y el Presidente y su Ministro de Economía estaban en el aeropuerto a su espera. Ambos decidieron subirse las botamangas de sus pantalones para evitar mojárselos. El avión desciende y ambos emprenden su marcha hacia el pie de la escalerilla para saludar al visitante. En ese momento el Ministro de Economía nota que el Presidente no volvió a su lugar las botamangas de su pantanlón:
"Señor Presidente, ya viene el funcionario. Bájase los pantalones."
"¿Tanto le debemos?"

El sultán de Brunei decidió hacer una cumbre mundial de presidentes.
Con la plata que se carga mandó hacer una piscina mágica que complacía los deseos. Llegaron los presidentes y jefes de estado y cuando tenían mucho rato de estar hablando dijo el presidente de México: "Voy a nadar a la piscina", se subió al trampolín y cuando iba en el aire dijo: "tequila", el agua se convirtió en tequila y la pasó muy bien.
Lo mismo hizo el presidente de Rusia, se subió al trampolín y dijo "vodka".
El presidente de Japón dijo "sake".
Después de mucho rato el presidente de los Estados Unidos decide darse también un gustazo y camina hacia la piscina, se sube al trampolín que estaba ya muy mojado y antes de tirarse se resbala y dice: "¡Shiiiit!".

—¿Saben por qué no hay golpes de estado en EE.UU.?
—Porque es el unico pais del mundo donde no hay embajada Nortemericana.

Está la alta sociedad de Bogotá en un coctel. De pronto entran 20 guerrilleros disparando y diciendo:
—¡Al suelo, partida de homosexuales y mujeres de la calle!
Entonces todos los Pombo y Urrutia, ala, se lanzan al piso en plancha, aterrorizados. El jefe guerrillero ve al fondo del salón un tipo de smoking con el whisky en la mano, tomándose un trago tranquilamente. Se acerca a él furioso y le dice:
—¿Qué hace ahí parado?
El hombre responde mientras mira a sus amigos en el piso:
—Pues ala, ¡yo aquí aterrado, aterrado, con estas amistades!

Un borracho está en la Plaza de Armas gritando: ¡¡¡EL PRESIDENTE ES UN HIJO DE PUTA, EL PRESIDENTE ES UN HIJO DE PUTA!!!
Rápidamente, aparecen dos policías y le empiezan a dar de golpes por traición a la Patria, y se lo llevan a rastras.
El pobre borracho empieza a implorarles:
—¡Pero si me refería al Presidente de los Estados Unidos!
Y los policías le contestaron:
—¡No trates de confundirnos! Nosotros sabemos quién es el Hijo de Puta!!!

En un congreso de médicos, un medico israelí comenta:
"La medicina en Israel, está tan avanzada que nosotros le sacamos un riñon a una persona, se lo ponemos a otra y en 6 semanas ya está buscando trabajo".
Un médico Alemán comenta: "Eso no es nada, en Alemania le sacamos un pulmón a una persona, se lo ponemos a otra y en 4 semanas ya está buscando trabajo."
Un doctor Ruso comenta: "Eso tampoco es nada. En Rusia la medicina está tan avanzada que le sacamos la mitad del corazón a una persona, se la ponemos a otra y en dos semanas ya ambas estan buscando trabajo"
A lo que un médico Peruano responde: "Nada que ver. Todos Uds. están muy atrasados. Nosotros aqui en Perú cogimos a un hombre sin cerebro, sin corazón y sin huevos, lo pusimos de Presidente y ahora todo el país está buscando trabajo…"

Aquí hay algunas diferencias entre gente rica y gente pobre:
1) Un rico corriendo es un atleta.
Un pobre corriendo es un ladrón.
2) Un rico con un arma es un mafioso.
Un pobre con un arma es un atracador.
3) Un rico con alas es un ángel.
Un pobre con alas es un murciélago.
4) Un rico bebiendo es un catador.
Un pobre bebiendo es un alcohólico.
5) Un rico fumando es de clase alta.
Un pobre fumando es un vicioso.
6) Un rico nadando es un delfín.
Un pobre nadando es una piraña.

El Presidente y su chofer pasaban por una carretera cuando accidentalmente atropellaron a un cerdo, matandolo instantaneamente. El Presidente le dijo a su chofer que fuera a la granja para explicarle al dueño lo sucedido.
Una hora más tarde, ve a su chofer venir tambaleándose, con un cigarro en una mano y con una botella en la otra, y su ropa desarreglada.
—¿Qué pasó? Preguntó el Presidente al chofer, y éste respondio:
—Bueno, el granjero me dio el vino, su mujer el cigarro y su hermosa hija me hizo el amor apasionadamente.
—Por Dios, ¿Qué les dijiste?
—Les dije: "¡Soy el chofer del Presidente y acabo de matar al cerdo!"

A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Annie: Meet my new born brother.
Benet: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
Annie: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

The bright Jew to a girl at a discotheque.
– “Do you have some Jew in you?”
– “No!”
– “Do you want some?”

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
I’m as bored as a slut on her period.

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.”

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

Boy in the bath with his mum.
Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mum?”
Mum replies, “That is my sponge.”
“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.”
He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
Her navel.

I’m emotionally constipated.
I haven’t given a shit in days.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me!

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.