Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Марк Соломонович учит соседского юношу:
- Изя, пока работаешь на дядю, не заработаешь на тётю.

Did you know that Swedish warships have barcodes on them, so when they go into dock they can Scandinavian. 😜

A friend of mine can't afford their water bill, so I just sent them a get well soon card.

I warned my daughter against using her whistle in the house and gave her one last chance, but she blew it.

I WANT TO STOP MY OBSESSION WITH LISTENING TO PHIL COLLINS SONGS, BUT I KNOW IT'S...

AGAINST ALL ODDS.
❤❤❤

What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard Gas & Pepper Spray training?
A seasoned veteran. 😲

What do u call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Did you hear the one about the tornado?
SPOILER ALERT...there's a twist at the end ! 🌪

An oxymoron walked into a bar...
The silence was deafening.

I saw a man sucking on a car muffler yesterday. When I asked him about it he said he was exhausted.

Why did the blonde nurse show up to work with a red crayon?
In case she needed to draw blood. 🩸

PLEASE DO NOT EVER LOOK AT SQUIRREL POOP.
IT'S FREAKN NUTS.

Me; Is your Name Ladesh?
Him: Why?
Me; Because I wanna Bang-Ladesh

A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage.
He lost his case.

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roaming Catholic ✝

IF YOU FOUND A PICTURE OF BOTH OF YOUR MOM'S SISTERS WEARING YOUR JEANS, COULD THAT BE A CLEAR CASE OF..
AUNTS IN YOUR PANTS?? 👖

Are bras measured in cups cuz titties have milk in them ? 🍼

What do you call a code file without any text sections in it?
No strings attached.

Book now for the lecture on the expanding universe because space is limited. 🌌

What did our parents do to kill boredom before social media?
I asked my 23 brothers and sisters and they don't know either..

That seminar I was going to: “How to avoid frauds” has been canceled. Turns out tickets are non-refundable. 🎫

You never hear about the 8th or 9th dwarves, Pushy & Bully.
Little things, mean a lot.

My Mrs says I'm a rubbish electrician, well she's in for a shock. ⚡🔌

Do you think Locksmiths are key workers ? 🔑

Just heard on the TV that humans eat more bananas than monkeys..
Not surprised really, can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🙊🙉🙈

There's only three ways to come out of this lockdown: a hunk, a chunk or a drunk. 🥃

- How first user of C died?

- struct by_lighting.

How are you getting exercise during the quarantine? Me, I'm running my mouth and jumping to conclusions.

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 😁

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.

I met the president of a needle company. He wasn't a nice guy.

In fact...... He was a prick. 😃

Did you know McDonald's once considered having snails on the menu?
They decided against it of course because it wasn't fast food! 🐌

My dad told me to make little things count.

So now I'm teaching math to dwarfs.⛔

I love blueberry pies, apple pies, strawberry pies or any other kind of pies. I am in the Caribbean now. Does anyone know any pie rates of the Caribbean?🦜🏴‍☠️

People who work at a pickle factory really Relish their jobs. 🌶

HTML(How to marry a lady) 😎

I think my masturbation problem just got out of hand😃

Have you ever seen me tie my shoelaces with the power of my mind?
I thought knot.

What's the difference between light and hard?
I can sleep with the light on. 😜

Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands.

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine! 👞🤩

A four-foot-tall fortune teller escaped from prison. He was a small medium at Large. 🔮

What do say to a British friend who's just been injured ?
UK?

My friend wanted to tell me an IKEA pun but she couldn't put it together. 🪑🔨

I was going to post a joke about alzheimer's but I umm.....😕

What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't watch the Flintstones, people from abu dhabi dooooo

I sometimes revert to using imperial measurements of length...

But not furlong

If a liar admitted that he's a liar, is he honest? 🤔

Q. What do you call an ill space man?
A. A gastronaught. 👩‍🚀

I was just wondering why it's called bathroom towel and not John Linen.......

When you speak two languages but start losing vocabulary in both of them... "Byelingual" ✋

She calls me ankle, I call her knees.😕

Warning to all animal lovers: don't kiss your pet bird--you may catch Chirpees--but don't worry, it's tweetable ...

Therapist: Can you explain why you are so odd?
Patient: I can't even.

Someone broke into the local Police Station and stole all their toilet seats.
The police have nothing to go on.

What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
💋👄

Утром проснулся: кашля нет, насморка нет, температуры нет, ничего не болит, дышится свободно.
Ну, думаю, труба дело. Типичные симптомы бессимптомного коронавируса (с)

Did you hear about the two satellites that got married?

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was amazing!

If a brigantine is a 2-masted sailing vessel, what’s a quarantine?

Question: What do you call 2 Doctors who Travel and work in an Ambulance? Answer: A Pair O' Medics 👨‍🍳👩‍🍳

if Apple made a car would it have Windows? 😉

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?

Me: 1 star. Would NOT recommend

What did the soup write on his valentine? U make miso happy 🍲

Question: What did the Father Buffalo say when his male child left home? Answer: Bye,Son. 🐃

I have an inferiority complex but yours is probably better.

Dad: how's your results son.
Me: they're underwater
Dad: what???
Me: Below C level 🌊

I gave that movie 3.14 stars!
Cause I pi-rated it. 🎦

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom. 🚺

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent!

(her during sex): call me names
(me, panicking): you like that, names? 😎

Was thinking about watching the movie "THE INVISIBLE MAN "
Then I realized there's probably not much to see.

A carpenter wanted to make a pun joke but he wasn’t sure if it woodwork.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef. 🐮

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months. 📆

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahaha. 🚲

I lived in a Houseboat and dated the girl next door!
It didn't work out- sadly
we drifted apart...

How do you save a sheep from choking?

You give it SheepPR

My application to join The Police has been rejected...
To be fair, I don't even know all the words to Every Breath You Take. 🎸

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It shits on the floor. 🚾

Went to a psychics convention earlier today. It wasnt fun, all the psychics were either mad or depressed. There was no happy medium.