Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What did the Bra say to the hat? You go on a head I'll give these two a lift. 👒

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

When it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking sad.
Maybe I should let her in.

Q:
What's the difference between a good lead guitar player and a good investment?
A:
The investment will eventually mature and make money

If I had to rate our solar system, I’d give it just one star., ✳️

My Korean friend just died.
He was So Yung.

It really would be weird if trees produce milk.

Wooden tit? 🍼

What’s the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey. 🐝

People nowadays are just way too judgemental.
You can tell just by looking at them.

Где-то Одессе.
- У Вас есть удлинитель?
- Это таки сильно зависит от того,шо именно вы хотите удлиннить..😎

I used to be indecisive, now I’m just not sure.

How does Moses make his coffee?

He brews it.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

If I ever have twin daughters I'll name them
Kate & Duplikate 👧👧

What do you call a line of men, waiting for their haircut?

A barberqueue. 💇‍♂️💇‍♀️

I work for money.
If you want loyality, hire a dog 🐩

Ants never get sick because they have little anty-bodies.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card.

She's not sick, I just think she could get better.

Patient: Doctor, my eye hurts whenever I have my morning coffee!
Doctor: Take the teaspoon out of the cup before you drink your coffee. ☕🥄

I hate insects puns, they really bug me. 🐜

My friend tried to explain electricity to me and I was like, "Watt?" ⚡💡🔌

Our new I.T. guy at the office was born in Australia.
I just had to ask him; "Do you come from the LAN down under?" 🖥

What did they call the kangaroo that was a certified genius?
A quantum leap!

Did you hear about the pirate that quit smoking... he used the patch.

Do you think when Sting retires he'll change his name to Stung ? 🤓

If anyone knows a good fishing joke plz let minnow....

Two sodium atoms together make a fish . 2Na 🐟

How do you get a country girl's attention?...
A tractor. 🚜

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. 😋

Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Hear about the cannibal who was fed up with his wife and then dumped her?

Me: I feel numb.
Mathematician: I feel number.

If I ever have twin daughters I'll name them
Kate & Duplikate. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

Teacher: Why did you lace only one shoe?
Student: underneath, it's boldly written 'Taiwan'..

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador. 🐶

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Two men are sitting next to each other on a bus.
They both have a black eye.
One man asks “how’d you get get yours?”
“Oh man, I've never been more embarrassed. I went to order two bus tickets to Pittsburgh and the ticket lady had the biggest boobs i've ever seen! I tried to say "Can i please have two tickets to Pittsburgh," but I was so nervous I accidentally said 'Can I please have two Pickets to Tittsburgh?"
How’d you get your shiner?”
The other replies, “ Funny story, just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Honey, please pass the salt" But what came out was "You ruined my life you fat evil bitch!"

Why is the "L" in NOEL pronounced while it clearly says NOEL?

Ladies: If he can't appreciate fruit jokes, let that mango 🥭

Who called it a toilet seat and not an asstray? 🚽🧻

Why was the shampoo so happy? He was head and shoulders above the the rest!

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It. 😃

I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is ok....👨‍🎤

The reason why short people are always angry is because they can't reach happiness.

Does the Arachnophobia helpline have a web site? 🕷️🕸️

What do you call a man laying on your door step with no arms and no legs?
Matt.

What does a crocodile use to recover from an injury.
A Gatorade. 😀

If a short person waves at you, is that called a microwave ?

I was having sex with my girlfriend last night.
I shouted, "who's your daddy? who's your daddy?"
And she started crying... I had forgotten that she's adopted.

Do you know what is wrong with an Italian that has one arm shorter than the other? He has a speech impediment. 😛

Who can drink two litters of gasoline?
Jerry can. ⛽😲

HR: Can you give me an example of your problem solving skills
Me: I was fired from my last job and now I'm applying for this one.

Wanted to produce a movie on how to fly fish. But couldn’t get a good cast. 🐟

When the vikings die in battle, they reach Van Halen. 🤘

Q) Who declared Corona as a pandemic?
A) WHO declared Corona as a pandemic.

My girlfriend left me for an electrician. He promised her the earth!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. 🦘

Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?
They were autumn mated. 🤖

I usually wake up grumpy. But today I let her sleep in. 😎

Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials! 🥚

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm in it.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down!

Where do boats go when they get sick?

To the dock. 🤙

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries. 😲

My hubby bought me an extremely tall lamp in the sales....
it was the high light of my day. ☝

Friend went to his doctor and was told he could ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He had a weekend immune system.

What is pink and fluffy????
Pink fluff 😁

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

"A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing summer beach sandals?
Phillipe Phloppe.

Нуждаюсь в денежной работе
Но чтоб не связана с трудом. 🦥

A lad says to his school teacher.
Here sir, what do you think I’ll be when I grow up,
The teacher thinks for a minute and then replies... about 45. 🧓

My friend said he wanted me to try an exorcise bike, so i called a priest, washed it in holy water, and cast it out. 🚳

When I was younger, I had a terrible accident where I fell into an industrial upholstery machine.
It’s ok now. I’m fully recovered.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out he was an optical Aleutian.👁

What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
A bowl of surreal. 🎨🖌🖼

Why can’t you tell Elvis a joke?

Because he’ll be all shook up 🕺

I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patience. 🥼

The more you cut corners the closer you are to going in circles. 🍥