Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Say government.
- Slavery.
- Same thing.

Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

I quit my terrible job at the candy store.

So long, suckers!

Coding is like a pendulum going back and forth between:
"I'm a genius?"
and
"I'm an idiot!"

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

-Alec Baldwin

One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.

-- Jessica Gaston

Taxation is theft regardless of what it's spent on.

Nobody should be spending your money other than you.

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

Nobody cares about your story until you win, so win.

The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate.

Whenever a dating app works, it loses two of its users.

The CIA can't watch you masturbate, if you never masturbate.

Adolf Hitler once gave a man a medal because he found his joke funny.

Hiring bad developers is like drinking seawater. It seems to satisfy a need while actually increasing it.

-- Michael Nygard

By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
- Richard Dawkins

Humans invented machines to skip some effort and now they exercise and work out to make up for the effort they skipped.

Why is the asshole so shady?

Because it meets everyone in the back

One of the best programming skills you can have is knowing when to walk away for awhile.

-- Oscar Godson

When a fly falls into a cup of coffee:

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it, and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it comes with no extra charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act to the UN as an act of aggression, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives, and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, Frenchman, Chinese, German and Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of tea to the Palestinian.

I've decided I want to be cremated.
Not when I die,
just whenever.
Surprise me.

“Scientists study the world as it is, engineers create the world that never has been.”
- Theodore von Karman

This whole "having a job" thing is really interfering with my living my best life.

If you want less success, tax it.
If you want more poverty, fund it.

Playfully doing something difficult, whether useful or not, that is hacking.

-- Richard M. Stallman

Does the band Dirty Blanket only perform covers?

The average American thinks they're smarter than the average American.

Socialists - the flat earthers of economics.

If you're not having fun, you're not learning. There's a pleasure in finding things out.

"The only real test of intelligence is if you get what you want out of life."

Someone has your dream job and seriously hates working everyday.

The overeducated are worse off than the undereducated, having traded common sense for the illusion of knowledge.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.

The first 90 percent of the code accounts for the first 90 percent of the development time. The remaining 10 percent of the code accounts for the other 90 percent of the development time.

-- Tom Cargill

If the world is against the truth, then I am against the world.

Доходы не играли бы в моей жизни никакой роли, если бы не расходы.

Politics is simply theater for the slave class.

When you feel the need to write a comment, first try to refactor the code so that any comment becomes superflous.

-- Martin Fowler

"Be so big that it’s cool to hate you."

Programming is not easy like Sunday morning, it is silent poetry.

-- Waseem Latif

How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask nicely.

Karma is basically Newton's 3rd law.

"Our temporary solution to a temporary problem has become a permanent problem."

Women who marry for money and men who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.

Money doesn't buy happiness..

Unless you spend it on whisky.

Object-oriented design is the roman numerals of computing.

-- Rob Pike

Speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second.

The exact latitude of the Great Pyramid of Giza are 29.9792458°N

Coincidence? I don’t think so!

Normalize asking leftists if they’re retarded.

UN condemns Israel for killing the Dead Sea.

Socialists want everything you have except your job.

Nothing that requires the labor of another human is a "basic human right".

DON'T leave more money in the bank than you can afford to lose. FINAL WARNING...

The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty.

-- Nicoll Hunt

It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.

You were born an atheist until someone lied to you.

Do you know what you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you fucking racist.

Treat your code like poetry and take it to the edge of the bare minimum.

-- Ilyo

Women defending the burqa are like chicken advertising KFC.

A piece of paper has six sides but only two can be used effectively.

Welcome to your 50's. You're now too old for young people and too young for old people.

Software is like sex, it's better when it's free.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I have like 50 wooden balls already.

Music was better when people who weren’t good looking were also allowed to make it.

You are paid by how hard you are to replace. Not by how hard you work.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.

Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking so as not to offend the imbeciles.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

Yeah, I'm into NFT's.

Not Fucking Paying Taxes

Your tax rate is your slave rate.

Islamophobe: A person who knows more about Islam than Muslims are comfortable with.

There's nothing more permanent than a temporary hack.

-- Kyle Simpson

Licensing: when government takes away your right to do something and sells it back to you.

Where do crayons go for vacation?

Colorado.

Good investors don’t sell investment advice.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is it for single men?

Palm Sunday.

The older I get, the more I believe that the only way to become a better programmer is by not programming.

-- Jeff Atwood

All programming languages are shit. But the good ones fertilize your mind.

-- Reg Braithwaite

Fun fact.

Every time Sweden and Denmark play a football match, the scoreboard says SWE - DEN.

Interestingly, the letters omitted from the scoreboard spell DEN - MARK.

Me "I sold my soul for inconceivable powers"
Her "Cool. What powers?"
Me "They're inconceivable so I have no way of knowing."

If you decide to procrastinate, is it still procrastination?

If you are not enjoying the journey, you probably won’t enjoy the destination.