Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

Programmers have to fight against the two most destructive forces in the universe: entropy and stupidity.

-- Damian Conway

Simple doesn't mean stupid. Thinking that it does, does.

-- Paul Krugman

In carpentry you measure twice and cut once. In software development you never measure and make cuts until you run out of time.

-- Adam Morse

Usually, the people with the best advice are the ones with the most problems.

Never ask an Argentinian what his grandpa was doing from 1939-1945! Biggest mistake of my life!

- Алё, кто это?
- А вам кто нужен?
- Ну кто-нибудь...
- Это я.

I write short fiction. They're "To-Do Lists."

I have to be successful because I like expensive shit.

If Jesus doesn’t want us to have sex then why’s his middle name Fuckin’?

If you spell your name backwards and put an umlaut over the first vowel, that's your IKEA furniture name.

Well-designed components are easy to replace. Eventually, they will be replaced by ones that are not so easy to replace.

-- Sustrik's Law

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

Первые 25 лет зубы работают на тебя, а потом ты работаешь на зубы.

Cult: Small unpopular religion.
Religion: Large popular cult.

Pro Tip:

Save business cards of people you don't like.

If you ever damage a parked car, just write sorry on the back and leave it on the windshield..

She was sending me mixed signals, so I did a Fourier analysis.

My sex-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

The real pandemic is how stupid everyone is.

If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say "Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot!” you're wasting everybody’s time.

Aliens: "Take us to your leader"

Humans: "No... You'll laugh at us."

If having sex for money makes you a whore, does having sex for free make you a nonprofit whorganization ?

Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes? It’s called the iLid.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible winter.

Which sucks because he had a great fall.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

Negotiations are won by whoever cares less.

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

Men have nipples; they just don't serve any purpose. And neither do their nipples.

I call my kettle Jim Carey. Because he brews-all-my-tea...

An organisation that treats its programmers as morons will soon have programmers that are willing and able to act like morons only.

-- Bjarne Stroustrup

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

24-hour shops only open once.

The map of your future is drawn by the footsteps of your present.

Most orchestras are just 1800's cover bands.

Suicide is never the answer. Your pets will miss you.

Put 100 women and 10 men on a deserted island.

In 100 years, you will have a thriving community of men, women, boys, and girls.

Now, put 100 trans women and 10 men on a deserted island.

In 100 years you will find the skeletons of 110 men.

Follow me for more science.

Ignorance is more expensive than education.

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- Confucius

My friend is normally so stressed out but when I saw him recently, he seemed really calm.
I asked him how he did it.
"I pay a stress therapist to worry about things for me."
"wow, is that expensive?"
"£700 per session."
"Blimey; how can you afford that?"
"That's his problem."

King Arthur measured the size of his omelettes using his eggs caliber.

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara desert, in 5 years, there'd be a shortage of sand.

If I can read their lips correctly through my binoculars; my neighbours are talking about the creepy guy next door.

Anyone fancy half a horse?

Not as hungry as I thought.

You aren't rich until you have something that money can't buy.

I'm currently halfway through reading the book of genesis and not a single mention of Phil Collins.

Приходит муж домой пьяный. Жена его спрашивает:
- Ты молока купил?
Муж:
- Молокаку? Не, не пил!

Всё время собираюсь начать откладывать деньги. И всё время откладываю.

I have no idea why I walked in to the Short-Term Memory Clinic.

Job interviewer: So why are you deeply passionate about working with us?

Me: You need to secure servers, networks, and firewalls. I need to eat. Deal?

Religion is the practice of using nonsense to explain ignorance.

Debugging tip: get 8 hours of sleep.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please.

I answered the door this morning.

Felt like a complete idiot when I realized it hadnt said anything...

What do religious people chew?

Bible gum.

"If Muslims believe Islam is the *solution" and the West is the "problem" why do Muslims keep running away from the "solution" and go to the "problem"?"

Does a person, with diarrhoea, visit you?

No, they Poop in.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Never fuck with someone who gets enraged by misplaced apostrophe's.

Why did the dog get arrested?

He had unpaid barking tickets.

A stress ball is not something you throw at people who stress you.
Apparently.

My bad.

Sleeping on the job is acceptable in Japan, as it's viewed as exhaustion from working hard.

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

If a microscope crashes into a telescope, do you get a kaleidoscope?

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?”

I said, “Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.

Atheism Isn't a Religion….It's a personal relationship with Reality.

My jokes are like semen.

Sometimes they land and stick.

Other times they are hard to swallow.

— Боря, у вас был секс с женщиной за 50?

— Таки был, Фима… Хотя сначала она хотела за 100!

God could create the world in six days because he didn't have to make it compatible with the previous version.

Today's weird fact:
a snowman's kids are called chill-dren.

Banks don't loan money, they loan debt, leveraged on the backs of the slaves, who are farmed by the government, and lovingly "tended" to by the education, prison and justice system.

If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you do not understand it.

-- Richard Feynman (1918 - 1988)

The more trust in the government you have, the less knowledge of history you have.

No one rules if no one obeys.

Believing "someone else is responsible for your troubles" solves none of your problems.

Three things should never be seen in the process of being created: laws, sausage, and software.

There's "hell" in hello, "good" in goodbye, "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "ex" in "next", "if" in life.

A popular Norwegian adage says,"There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing choices."

All code is technical debt; some code just has a higher interest rate.

-- Paul McMahon