Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My kids were throwing Scrabble tiles at eachother last night,
I shouted " it's all fun and games until someone loses an i."

Netherlands, Netherlands.
It's all double Dutch to me.

My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like
a fucking bitch.

My gf told me that I act like a clown.
It was so unexpected and upsetting I stopped juggling and almost fell off my unicycle.

People say u will never find a wife on Tinder.
Bro. I found your wife on Tinder.

Today is "National girlfriend day" ..And coincidentally "I hope my wife doesn't come home from work early day"..

The difference between Watt and Ohm...
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

"As fire tests gold, so misfortune tests brave men."

— Seneca

My Gramma broke up with her heavy metal boyfriend. I guess she’s off her rocker.

Its not recommended to invest in submarines right now. That business is going under.

Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald's fries.

Honey theres a witch at the door what shall I do?

Just give it sweets tell it to go away

My mother-in-law hasnt spoken to me since.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

Origami porn is in creasing on paper view.

My ex-girlfriend and I still have a lot of chemistry between us.
Admittedly, it's the kind you get between acetone and hydrogen peroxide...

Дурак - это человек, которому нравится отвечать на риторические вопросы.

Yo mama so fat...

that when she has threesomes the dudes never meet.

Good- I've just had a threesome.

Bad-It was two guys and a girl.

Ugly-The girl was a blow-up doll.

The Greeks invented threesomes.

The Romans added the women.

My boyfriend wants to have a threesome.
My boyfriend wants to have a threesome. So I told him when cloning is legal, then he can have one.

Why mexicans cant cross the border in threes?
No trespassing.

had a threesome with two anorexic girls last night...
... Two birds one stone

I Had A Threesome With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend
After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."

A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?"
A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."

I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old...
How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old.

I never want to have a threesome,
If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

I hate people who use deep English just to make us feel intoxicated by exuberance of verbosity betaprutal contraption.

So, what kind of whiskey do dogs like?
Jack spaniel's!!

A common mistake is thinking our hair turns white as we grow old. That's not true. The hair color doesn't change. It's our life that gets darker.

I was kicked out of Vienna for telling a joke. I was Austriacized.

Girls love 6 packs.
Women love 6 inches.
Legends love 6 hours.

My blanket just became an insurance agent.

It offers full coverage.

I found my first grey pubic hair today..
Normally things like that don't bother me...
But this was in my Big Mac..

I forgot to take the laundry out of the washer. They dried of natural causes.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

Linux problems? Be root!
Windows problems? Reboot!
MacOS problems? Rebuy!

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.
Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.

I wish you all a great 2017.

The local Thai restaurant ran out spice, so it closed for the season.

Having been raised Catholic I didn’t learn until later in life it was OK to date a nun as long as you didn’t get in the habit.

The Sheik collected rabbits and ended up with a hare-em.

I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away. "Right in the middle of National Headache Week!”

Just saw a teacher crying in Walmart in front of that “back to school” sign.

What lies on the ground 100ft in the air? A dead centipede.

I've been having treatment for premature ejaculation.
I'm getting better now, but it was touch and go for a while.

What is a dwarf's favorite dessert?
Shortcake.

Dwarf enters the library
"One book on discrimination of dwarves, please." - says the dwarf.
"Third row..." - replies the librarian - "top shelf."

As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father.
I mean, it's a little apparent.

What does dwarf do when you throw him into water?
Microwaves.

A dwarf walks into a bar.
He hits his head and falls down.
I know you were expecting a better joke but the bar was set too low.

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

I hate holding my wife's purse in public. It never matches what I'm wearing.

Aркадий кроме удовольствий
себе отказывал во всём.

How do painters swim?
They do the brush stroke.

— Хочешь я сделаю для тебя то, что не делала до тебя ни одному мужчине?
— Фаршированную рыбу?

I just had sex with a girl who's celebrating her fifth birthday.
She said being born on Leap Day really sucks.

Liver and onions is a perfect example of how onions doesn't make everything better...

What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?
Quan-tities.

My wife said we needed to support our tomato plants. I gave them a pep talk.

Surgeons that install butt implants are technically backend developers.

My wife told me to stop making camera puns. I told her to stop focusing on the negatives and develop a sense of humour.She left me in a flash.

My wife lovingly said, “You smell like horse poop.” I said, “That’s because I’m wearing one of ma’ newer fragrances.”

Why people leave things in Jesus hands, knowing he got holes in them. Is beyond me.

I'm no Magician but I once turned a back rub into 2 kids and a mortgage.

A priest calls the police because a dead pig lies in front of the church.
The police arrive and one of the officers sarcastically remarks I thought that priests took care of the dead.
The priest answers You’re right about that but we always notify the family first.

Медсестра, задыхаясь, вбегает в ординаторскую:
- Доктор, там у нас симулянт из семнадцатой палаты скончался!

Мы с моей женой еще в детском садике познакомились.
Она тогда была молоденькой воспитательницей. А я просто в песочнице валялся пьяный.

Do song birds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

Failed history because I forgot everything we learned.
I guess I’m doomed to repeat it.

I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.

"Do not try to seem wise to others."

— Epictetus

My brother moved from job to job at the pillow factory. He’s finally settling down.

A rock band donated a box of vegetables to the charity they were playing at. Well, except the drummer.

He kept the beet.

I once met David Hasselhoff. He said "call me Hoff" i said "no hassel"

What do you call the nun that lives upstairs?
Nun of the above.

How do you make a taco stand?
You take away its chair.

Trying to get a bank loan from Dubai. Heard they have really good EMIrates.

The first tv came out. Guy asks "what are the chances I can change channels from across the room?"
Salesman says "remote".