Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Biology Teacher: Sperm has sugar.
Cynthia: No sir, it's tasteless.

My little son asked me where you find giant snails? Easy, on giant’s fingers.

What happened to the overworked pastry chef?
He suffered a mental bake-down.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: I was artificially inseminated this morning.

I don't believe you, replies Dolly.

It's true, no bull!

My favorite word is drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

He doesn't.

He's dead.

The guys who work on my yard in the summer also shovel snow in the winter.

They go from landscapers to landscrapers.

Music teacher: "Define rock and roll."

From back of class: "Dwayne Johnson with a bun!"

33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. 67% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up

A magician wanted a new change of career. So he decided to go from magic tricks to... wait for it - elec-tricks

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: Nice! I wish for pie.

Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

...so I stopped seeing her for a while.

- Яша, ты оказался не тем, чем я думала!
- Софа, я извиняюсь, а чем ты думала?

What does a proctologist give you for pain?
An Analgesic.

I watched a documentary about the bikini last night.

It was in two parts. It didn’t cover much.

The miner backed out of the wedding when he got coal feet.

When two people Love each other, there is nothing that's impossible.. Except deciding where to Eat.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

For your consideration: “Double standards” means there are no “standards”.

I want to check out the hot air balloon festival this weekend.
- But I’m concerned about rising inflation!

Coworker: I can't find you on Facebook?
Me: I found you first and blocked you.

I had to break up with my math teacher girlfriend.

She was still obsessed with an X.

When you get divorced, do you move your wedding ring to your middle finger?

FUN Fact: Vodka drinkers are less likely to suffer from a stroke.

I ate a box of crayons before taking my pilot's exam.
I passed with flying colors.

Listless: The way most men go grocery shopping.

The nuclear physicist took a vacation for a fission trip.

You know what really grinds my gears?!?
- Teaching people how to drive a stick shift!

When I say I love models, I mean statistical models.

- Изя, какое у вас с женой стоп-слово?

- Дорого.

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.
The other 85% said they bought them new.

На предложение поработать Лёва всегда отнекивался, а на предложение выпить –таки отдакивался..

Одесса,типичный дворик,двое пьют пиво.
- И я вам скажу,Фима,шо пиво - таки величайшее изобретение..
- Как,Веня? А колесо?
- Ай ,Фима,колесо,конечно, тоже бесэдер.. Но колесо с рыбой - это всё-таки не то..

I just got an emotional support sewing machine, man, this thing really keeps me in stiches.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.

Having my hair styled
by a rastaman next week.
I'm dreading it.

I just saw a burglar kicking in his own door.
- He must have been working from home!

So, what kind of sweet treat do electricians like?
Shockolate!!

I was offered a job at a nursing home...

But I turned it down. I was afraid my breasts couldn't handle it.

I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires. They really messed with my sleep cycle.

I was totally blown away when I found out about my job promotion at the Bomb Factory.

I gave up on the scissors diet because I just couldn't cut it.

I feel uncomfortable around short people..what if they bite my knees.

Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude.

What do you feed a woman to get her to stop having sex with you?
Wedding cake.

My wife keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like Hobbit!, Gandalf!, and Mordor!. Always Tolkien in her sleep...

There was a guy exposing himself in the parking lot the other day, but he was gone in a flash.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Man in train station: Can I take this train to Florida?
Ticket agent:No, sir, it's much too heavy.

I fell in love with a Beekeeper. He was a real honey of a guy!

Be careful with photographers, they tend to have mood swings. Sometimes they start snapping for no reason!

My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation. It was as a baseless accusation.

I just got an emotional support monkey,I just hope it doesn't go banana's.

So, I used to have a job feeding young cows. That's right, I worked in a calf-a-teria!!

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's...
She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me!

I once impressed a woman with a bottle of lemonade.

Schwepped her off her feet.

For my birthday my friends hired a stripper, he was rubbish..I got most of the paint off the doors myself.

I just got an emotional support watermelon,so far he seems to be a little seedy.

“Educate the child and it won’t be necessary to punish the men.”
— Pythagoras

What do you call an underwater dog?
A subwoofer.

Didn't intend to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

Dating a janitor was on my bucket list.

Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once.

I asked my friend when their birthday was. He said March 1st.

I stood up, walked around the room, and asked again

I can't believe that even in 2022, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..
And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.

You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?
Cause they'll get chapped lips

What’s the true price relation between the pound, the ruble and the dollar?
A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.

The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day. I heard they’re going to give him a tough sentence.

What do fish talk about? Current events.

He:- i heard you like bad guys?
She:-Yes..
He :- I'm bad at Physics.

My remote automatically switches the channel to find Mission Impossible, Top Gun and Risky Business.
I guess it’s on Cruise control.

The restaurant offered me a job cooking hash browns but that's just small potatoes.

Q:Why do gas prices hurt so bad?

A:Because it’s PROPANE.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work the car would still drive me there.

Doctor: I’m very sorry but I’m going to have to remove your colon

Me That’s ok

When you talk to yourself, at least one person is listening...

I hope...

A key to a woman’s heart is being able to make her laugh.
She laughed at the size of my penis.

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh Borg.

NASA: We used to have a 9 planets but we now only have 8.
PLUTO : Stop telling everyone i'm not a
planet.
NASA: Sometimes we still hear its voice .