Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What does an electrician have for breakfast?

Ohm-lette.

The fact that there are imaginary number in math is proof that humans create their own problems and then cry about them .

If you ever feel useless, remember that there's GUI client for Git.

I normally have just one beer when I'm bored...
Yesterday I was bored 12 times..

I was informed about a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris
I couldn’t find it.

So what's a pig's favorite sit-com? Swine-feld!!

- Рабинович! Вы уклонились от уплаты налогов так, как в суде рассказывал прокурор?
- Совсем нет. Но его схема очень заслуживает внимания...

My wife asked if I had seen the moon tonight...

I didnt know it was lost...

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.
Pretty nuts, right?

It's a little known fact that Stephen Hawking aspired to do stand-up comedy. Alas, he could not.

— Рабинович, почему вы не пришли на субботник?
— Жена сказала, что мне нездоровится.

What do you call a stressed fire?
Burnout.

What's hard and hairy and sticks out of your pajamas at night?
Your head.

Ballet is one thing that really keeps you on your toes.

What is the farmers' choice of crypto-currency? Beet-coin.

How do you look up alcohol? On Whiskeypedia.

An artist who wants to draw a tree is in a hurry, so he draws a tree and leaves.

What does an Icelandic dogs bark sound like?

Björk...

How is a selfie stick like a dildo?
There's usually a cunt at one end.

- Боря, не стойте тут уже как памятник , вам таки ещё рано.

Размышляя, что подарить жене на день рождения — айфон или бахилы, Изя вдруг подумал: " Ну, айфоны ,таки, есть у всех.."

- Цилечка,ты любишь настольные игры?
- Люблю,Фима.
- Тогда ложись на стол..

What do pussies and Burger King have in common?
It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

Довольно игриво Роза выпила с Аркашей первый литр водки...

Where do skeletons eat in?
The dyning room.

What do you call an unmarried southern woman?
Virginian.

"When people talk bad about you, live so as nobody may believe them."

— Plato

How to cook the correct amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong.

My wife keeps refusing to clean out the coffee percolator. Is that grounds for divorce?

Вопрос армянскому радио:
- Могут ли мужчина и женщина дружить без секса?
Ответ:
- Да. Если они состоят в браке.

Sex so good that neighbours come forward to congratulate.

Никогда еще эзопов язык не был так глубоко туда засунут.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.

My wife said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position.

I once broke up with this girl that worked at an aquarium. Just something about her seemed fishy.

People needed to learn loyalty from dogs, we learned positions.

По мнению опытных мужчин, женщину нужно выбирать, как одежду: не только по красоте и качеству, но и по тому, как она на тебе сидит.

Never give soy sauce to someone who falls. You shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

If you lean a corpse against a doorbell, does it end up being a dead ringer for someone ?

What do you call an ink drawing on a woman's breast?
A tittoo.

I wanna marry someone funnier than me but sadly, i am the funniest.

Maturity is when you realize you need a Sugar mommy not Girlfriend.

I once had a dog that was born without legs. So I named him Cigarette.
Everyday I'd take him out for a drag.

My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio.
Jumping to conclusions.

What did the doctor say to the man covered in cling film? I can clearly see you’re nuts.

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow that’s the worse case of parking sons disease I’ve come across.

Ants don’t have to
worry about getting sick.
They already have
“anty bodies”

When jogging, we put on special clothes so people don't think we are running from or to something.

The railroad is hiring!
They’ll TRAIN!

Cause of death:
Too shy to call ambulance.

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...
I told her I’m pretty good but don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, and an ass.

I figure my new hourglass design will turn the timekeeping industry upside down.

Just had a look when Sinead OConnor was last trending on Twitter.

It's been 7 hours and 15 days.

He: I can't get a job at any bank. Why?
She: I have no idea, Rob.

— Вчера вечером позвонил на горячую линию помощи при изнасиловании, но оказалось, она только для жертв…

I'm not sure if selling products to other countries is a good idea.

I need an export opinion.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

I was speaking to a guy who had just robbed a bank today. He said, "It was easy, I just walked through the door with a gun in my hand."

I said "Was it a revolver?"

"No, it was just a normal door." He replied.

Is it easier to weigh fish cause they come with ith their own scales?

Is it ok to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or am I really just a bad teacher?

There was a leper who failed his driving test...

for leaving his foot on the gas.

Why did the lady married the angler?

Because she wanted a reel man.

I date short girls so when we break up I can crop my photo...

The sun didn't have to go to college because it had a million degrees. It just goes to show that the sun was a bright student.

I recently met a guy who says he flies kites, and tells the wildest tails. He might just be stringing me along.

Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.

Did you know?
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding...

Dieting could also be considered
"Waist management "

I'm ageing like a fine wine
In a basement, untouched.

Just because a man has one, doesn't mean he has to be one.

I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..
But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

Some things in life are best left unfinished.
Tacos are not one off them.

What kind of underwear do long distance runners wear? Marathongs...

The videos of your ex in your gallery should be called x videos.

Never kiss a person infront of your house, because love is blind, neighbors are not.

I'm writing a kitchen based book for dumb people, it's called Counter Intelligence.