Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

I couldn't tell if i was seeing a UFO or a frisbee...

Then it hit me.

Man wakes wife up and asks, Would u like a coffee or would u prefer sex?
Wife replies, I'm not fussed either way, its gonna be instant.

Hey everybody!!
I just found out that my a.m. radio works at night too!!

A girl: call me short again! I dare you.
Me: what are gonna do, fight my knees?

The tortoise beats the hare by a hair to the hare's great despair.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they’d be a lot more possessive.

Apparently I’m a twin. Mom said she has a picture of when I was two.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.’’
— Mark Twain

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I fear my neighbor be stalking me, shes been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

I was asked why I married a sadist.
I said, “Beats the hell out of me!”

Almost a third of the people are obese.

These are round figures.

I wish my name was Voyager 2...
So I could have the first encounter with Uranus.

What did the deaf , dumb and blind kid get for xmas?????????......
Cancer.

Why is pussy called the smallest hotel room in the world?
It's so small you have to leave your bags outside.

HOME IS WHERE YA MASTURBATE PEACEFULLY.

- Сарочка, какая ты у меня экономная!
- А шо такое, Яша? Тебе шо-то не нравится?!
- Ой, наоборот! Мине таки очень восхищает, когда ты штопаешь мои носки нитками от чайных пакетиков!

My dad told me that when he was young, he once had to miss class because of hypothermia.

Said he was too cool for school.

If I don’t care at all, I couldn’t care less. If I could care less, then I care a little already.

Shout out to my grandma, that’s the only way she can hear.

I just got a job at a fruit pie factory,man, this is one peachy job.

So I'm currently reading a book called 'There's a hole in my bucket!'

By Lee King.

My wife wants a pony for Christmas. I think a traditional turkey would taste better, but it’s her choice.

I'm trying the new aircraft diet.

The amounts are ok, but the food tastes plane.

I always think the thumb is on the left side...

On the other hand, it might be on the right side.

What do you say to a British person who has just injured himself?

UK?

I've just finished reading a book on DIY house construction...by Bill Jerome Holmes.

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.
With just the tip.

I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.
I was just looking for mute.

I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk. Today I ended up skipping dinner.

— Ты чё психанул-то?
— Не, ну а хули они?
— Аргумент.

I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...
... and all he does is complain about prison.

ПЕНСИОНЕР СИДОРОВ КИНУЛ ЖЕНЕ ДВЕ ПАЛКИ,НО ВСЕ ОНИ ОКАЗАЛИСЬ
СКАНДИНАВСКИМИ!

Whats the difference between a girls G spot and a lost pokemon card collection?
A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...

So my girlfriend asked me the other day "Don't you know where the G Spot is?"
And I said yeah, of course, I know where the G spot is. It is between the F Spot and the H spot.

What does the Geographer do during sex?
He's looking for the coordinates of spot G.

Bigfoot is like the G-spot of the Forrest.
No one can find him.

For those who know nothing about pleasing a woman:
The G-spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?
Men will actually search for a TV remote.

There's something mysterious about the G-spot.
I just can't put my finger on it.

What's the difference between the moon and the female g-spot.
We have videos to prove that men have been to the moon.

Vegan food ain't that bad once you add meat and cheese to it.

Follow me for more foodie tips.

PRO TIP: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you’ll never have to host a children’s birthday party again.

The first rule of Paradox Club, is that there is no Paradox Club.

Wife: I have lost my keys again. Damn it !
Husband: Its in your jeans.
Wife: Don't u dare bring my family into this.

Wife: Pay me a compliment.
Me: You're only half as ugly when I close one eye.

How do you give Satan a hand?
Hellp.

Q: What are a chocolate bar's preferred pronouns?
A: Her/She!

A friend of mine opened up a new strip club called the G-Spot. He had to close a week later because most men couldn't find it.

Заходит как-то раз давление в один бар в один бар...

Proud to say my wife and I are still married after 35 years. Don’t tell her though. She thought I signed the divorce papers years ago.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's black and runny?

Usain Bolt.

I've decided to kill off some of the characters in the book I'm writing.
It's really going to spice up my autobiography.

- Вот знаешь, Фима, всё хорошо, пока не начнешь выяснять- кому.

Размышления от тёти Песи.
- Если таки брать от жизни всё, то куда это прятать?

- Ой,Фима, я забыла хлеба купить. Сходишь?
Через 15 минут,Фима с батоном и бутылкой .
- Цилечка, ты не поверишь! У них таки снова не было сдачи..

Those who appreciate Colour Jokes have a great sense of hue-mour.

When I became manager, I set the bar real high. Now my employees have to reach extra hard to get the booze.

Her: Honey, what is manipulation?
Me: I bet you one dollar that you can't wash all the dishes in ten minutes.
Her: Get my money ready.

Parking a car doesn't need much space.
Parking 10 cars?
That needs a lot.

The French have named a mushroom after Muhammad Ali. They think it’s the greatest champignon of all time.

I've been working on a Scandinavian joke. It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now there's just Norway.

You know what catches my eye... Short People with umbrellas .

My body is like a Greek Temple
In ruins.

My friend got arrested for illegally shipping mats from Zimbabwe. They arrested him for being a rug dealer.

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and a porno?
At the end of the porno everyone was satisfied.

I need someone to brush their teeth with me because my dentist said brushing alone will not prevent cavities

The best time to open a gift is the present.

Циля :
— Фима, ты таки не представляешь, какой классный подарок я тебе приготовила!
— Так показывай уже скорее!
— Сейчас, я его уже надеваю.

Как говориля тётя Песя :
- И шоб вы себе понимали,шо брак для мужчины - это таки счастье усиленного режима..

"Art is never finished, only abandoned."
— Leonardo da Vinci

What do you call a sex scene between two trans people?

Transaction.

I was a bit upset when I overheard our lass telling her friend I'm useless in the bedroom department.
The wallpapering isn't that bad.

Looking back through time, I realize.
Being crazy is my way of staying sane.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The fact that Head and Shoulders has not made a bodywash called Knees and Toes, really bothers me.

My girlfriend broke up with me just because a dog chased us and I ran faster than her.

—He perdido mis contactos.
—Eres el electricista más tonto que conozco.