Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Smokers always find light in the darkest moments—especially if they
have matches.

Smoking is like a relationship—it starts with sparks, ends in ashes,
and leaves you wondering why you started.

If you can’t dance when you’re drunk at least speak English or promise people jobs.
Don’t waste alcohol.

- Why did the alien go broke?
- Because he lost all his spacecoins in a galactic pyramid scheme.

Where there's a will, there's a way...and probably a really good lawyer.

I paid to many bills to be paying attention to things that don’t pay my bills.

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
~ Carl Jung

I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

Fingering a short girl is so risky what if u touch her heart.

“Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion.”

— Norman Schwarzkopf

Have you ever seen a depressed Atom?

It's no laughing matter.

Communists, using the theory of "unconditional basic income", are trying to prove to us that it is profitable for us to keep parasites.

Понимаешь, что твоё тело - храм, когда начинаешь пользоваться свечами.

If someone is hotter than you, then you are cooler than them.

- Thermodynamics

Folding laundry is like packing to stay at home.

In French, “pain” means bread. In English, it’s what happens when you try to learn French.

A burglar is always looking for a window of opportunity.

What do you call a horny square?

An erectangle.

"A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier."
~ H.L. Mencken

Today would be a great day to eliminate the income tax.

Shower sex is so different when you are in prison.

Learning Spanish? Just add -o to English words until you’re either fluent or arrested.

Lifehack:

Agree with people so they stop talking.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

If you speak three languages, you’re trilingual. Two, bilingual. One? American.

Historical linguistics: Latin never died, it just had kids that don’t talk to each other.

- Чтo вooбщe зa пpoфeccия у тeбя тaкaя - кинoлoг?
- He твoё coбaчьe дeлo.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

Never trust an engineer in a suit.

If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don’t understand quantum mechanics.

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said 'Not at all'
He said 'Kiss?'
I said 'Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel'

Japanese people rarely say ‘No.’ Instead, they say ‘It’s a little difficult…’ which actually means ‘No. Never. Stop asking.’

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."

~ Edward Bernays

- Почему вы ушли с прошлой работы?
- Я там всю работу сделал.

- Бэлла Марковна, разрешите пригласить вас на танец?
- Ой, Фима, как приятно! А вы ночью не храпите?

Debugging: the art of turning errors into features.

When the lesbians go on a date, who pays?

If you find Python boring, you're learning it from the wrong teacher.

Anything that promises you reward after you are dead is a scam.

Главный урок финансовой грамотности: "Чем дольше спим, тем меньше тратим".

Почему есть сигареты «Пётр Первый» но нет сигарет «Николай Второй»?
.
.
.
Их расстреляли.

"What are your dogs' names?"

Me: "Calvin and Klein."

"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

Why did Trump and Zelensky start a band together?

Because they wanted to make some "political hits"!

Why did J.D. Vance bring a ladder to the Senate? 
Because he heard the job had its ups and downs!

Today is national staek& blowjob day.
If you are married its just a Friday.

Why did Elon Musk invite Donald Trump to SpaceX?

He needed someone to help him "trump" the competition in the race to Mars!

What do you get when you cross Elon Musk with Donald Trump?

A rocket that tweets its way to Mars while promising to build a wall
around the moon!

— Доктор, понос уже вторую неделю.
— А вы пробовали киви? Обычно омогает.
— Да. но, когда вытаскиваю его, то всё начинается снова.

Programming is just the art of adding bugs to an empty file.

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called?

A guyneckologist.

'Algebra is the metaphysics of arithmetic.'
-- John Ray

Data science is the sexiest job of the 21st century, said the person who has never actually done data science.

In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

"We are caught inside a mystery, veiled in an enigma, locked inside a riddle."

~ Terence McKenna

"You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it."

- Morpheus

“If heavy metal bands ruled the world, we’d be a lot better off.”

Bruce Dickinson

The Finnish word “kalsarikännit” means drinking alone at home in your underwear. Finally, a word for my weekend plans!

Climate change - the made up catastrophe used by globalists to instill fear and guilt so they can tax, regulate and remove our freedoms while pretending to be saving the planet.

Unfollow the Unfollowers.

- Socrates

I told my mom I’d call her later, but she prefers I call her mom.

I have a love-hate relationship with my code. I love it when it works, and I hate it when it doesn't.

Разговор в английском клубе, два джентльмена.
— Слушайте, Джеймс, Вы слышали? На днях мистер Дарбси сломал свой указательный палец просто невероятным образом!
— Правда? И каким же образом он сломал свой палец?
— Я не ебу, сэр.

Our Earth is not overpopulated. The government is.

I'm a data scientist - I can predict the future. As long as the future is exactly like the past.

Why did the hacker go to therapy?
Because he had too many "emotional firewalls" and couldn’t let anyone ping his heart!

British weather is like Islam.

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite.

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

~ Benjamin Franklin

I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

Cous Cous is just gay rice.

- Andrew Tate.

Last night, while my wife was asleep I decided to write algebraic terms all over her.

You should have seen the expression on her face.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take away everything you have.

Rule Number 1:

Never Joke with your Sources of Income.

Mark Knopfler and Chris Rea have formed a new band.

It's called Dire Rea.

Хорошо, что всё идет по плану.
Плохо, что план - говно.

— Сема! Еще раз пошутишь за мою фигуру — получишь сковородкой в лоб. Ты меня понял?
— Да, Роза…
— И шо ты понял?
— Шо твой лишний вес мне реально угрожает!

Как говорит опытная Сара Моисеевна, умную женщину мужчина почти не ощущает на своей шее.

Фима, сынок, запомни! Самое страшное: совать пальцы в розетку, мясорубку и в обручальное кольцо.

A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight.

They fought tooth and nail.

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche.

What's Dracula's favorite type of coffee?

Decoffinated.