Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

So much complexity in software comes from trying to make one thing do two things.

-- Ryan Singer

The flu vaccine was invented 82 years ago.

We still have the flu.

Just saying...

The lurking suspicion that something could be simplified is the world's richest source of rewarding challenges.

-- Edsger W. Dijkstra

If you're really, really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.

If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion.
I know that now.

The minimum wage is compulsory unemployment.

Tests are the Programmer's stone, transmuting fear into boredom.

-- Kent Beck

"Do anything, but let it produce joy."

- Walt Whitman

Compatibility means deliberately repeating other people’s mistakes.

-- David Wheeler

Boss: So, tell me about your work goals for the future.

Me: To be honest I’m just happy I’ve made it to Friday without quitting.

Get money first, fall in love later.

The first rule of functions is that they should be small. The second rule of functions is that they should be smaller than that.

-- Robert C. Martin

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonald's Farm.

My neighbour with huge boobs has been walking around topless all day in the garden.

I wish his wife would do the same.

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

The first rule of no doubt club is don’t speak.

Testing leads to failure, and failure leads to understanding.

-- Burt Rutan

“An engineer is someone who washes his hands before going to the toilet.”
- Anonymous

"The problem with genius is that you have to tolerate madness."

The standard rule is, when you're in a hole, stop digging; that seems not to apply to software nowadays.

-- Ron Minnich

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.

-- Nathaniel Borenstein

"Normal = neutral expression concealing existential despair and brain-crushing boredom."

-SecUnit, Network Effect

If the world is against the truth, then I am against the world.

The code you write makes you a programmer. The code you delete makes you a good one. The code you don't have to write makes you a great one.

-- Mario Fusco

*Jesus having sex*

Jesus: call me daddy

her: oh God

Jesus: perfect

You know you’re getting old when your parents start disappointing you, instead of you disappointing them.

If no one hates you, you're doing it wrong.

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Don't let anyone ruin your day. It's your day, ruin it yourself!

FBI = FOLLOWING BIDEN'S INSTRUCTIONS

CIA = COCAINE IMPORTING AGENCY

Men’s day isn’t as popular as Women’s day because we can’t celebrate all the achievements of men in a single day.

We build systems like the Wright brothers built airplanes - build the whole thing, push it off the cliff, let it crash, and start over again.

-- Nato Software Engineering Conference '68

Усики — пропуск в трусики.

None of our leaders are punished for lying. Instead, regular people are punished for telling the truth.

- Tucker Carlson

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

-- Douglas Adams

"Money doesn't buy happiness"
Well, poverty doesn't buy anything.

Mathematics is the language in which God has written the universe.

-- Galileo Galilei (1564 - 1642)

Your whole life is spent gathering people for your funeral.

- Say government.
- Slavery.
- Same thing.

Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

I quit my terrible job at the candy store.

So long, suckers!

Coding is like a pendulum going back and forth between:
"I'm a genius?"
and
"I'm an idiot!"

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

-Alec Baldwin

One man's crappy software is another man's full time job.

-- Jessica Gaston

Taxation is theft regardless of what it's spent on.

Nobody should be spending your money other than you.

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

Nobody cares about your story until you win, so win.

The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate.

Whenever a dating app works, it loses two of its users.

The CIA can't watch you masturbate, if you never masturbate.

Adolf Hitler once gave a man a medal because he found his joke funny.

Hiring bad developers is like drinking seawater. It seems to satisfy a need while actually increasing it.

-- Michael Nygard

By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
- Richard Dawkins

Humans invented machines to skip some effort and now they exercise and work out to make up for the effort they skipped.

Why is the asshole so shady?

Because it meets everyone in the back

One of the best programming skills you can have is knowing when to walk away for awhile.

-- Oscar Godson

When a fly falls into a cup of coffee:

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it, and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it comes with no extra charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act to the UN as an act of aggression, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives, and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, Frenchman, Chinese, German and Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of tea to the Palestinian.

I've decided I want to be cremated.
Not when I die,
just whenever.
Surprise me.

“Scientists study the world as it is, engineers create the world that never has been.”
- Theodore von Karman

This whole "having a job" thing is really interfering with my living my best life.

If you want less success, tax it.
If you want more poverty, fund it.

Playfully doing something difficult, whether useful or not, that is hacking.

-- Richard M. Stallman

Does the band Dirty Blanket only perform covers?

The average American thinks they're smarter than the average American.

Socialists - the flat earthers of economics.

If you're not having fun, you're not learning. There's a pleasure in finding things out.

"The only real test of intelligence is if you get what you want out of life."

Someone has your dream job and seriously hates working everyday.

The overeducated are worse off than the undereducated, having traded common sense for the illusion of knowledge.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.

The first 90 percent of the code accounts for the first 90 percent of the development time. The remaining 10 percent of the code accounts for the other 90 percent of the development time.

-- Tom Cargill

If the world is against the truth, then I am against the world.

Доходы не играли бы в моей жизни никакой роли, если бы не расходы.

Politics is simply theater for the slave class.

When you feel the need to write a comment, first try to refactor the code so that any comment becomes superflous.

-- Martin Fowler

"Be so big that it’s cool to hate you."

Programming is not easy like Sunday morning, it is silent poetry.

-- Waseem Latif

How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask nicely.

Karma is basically Newton's 3rd law.

"Our temporary solution to a temporary problem has become a permanent problem."