Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You don't pay taxes. They take taxes.

Learn from weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I prefer conspiracy analyst. The conspiracies are no longer theories and playing out in real-time.

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

A Polish fisherman is a fishing pole.

Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
- St. Francis of Assisi

The Pharmaceutical industry DOES NOT create cures, they create customers.

The way to keep hidden an elephant in the street is to fill the street with elephants.

I have a civil engineering joke but its still under construction.

— Моня, а кем ты в детстве мечтал работать?
— Я? Мечтал работать?

Can't focus? Play music from a video game soundtrack. It's designed to keep you engaged, and helps you focus on what you're working on.

Акробат умер на батуте, но ещё какое-то время продолжал радовать публику.

Restroom attendants make me nervous.

Especially when they’re self employed.

Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices.

A new study shows that the only real virgin was Joseph.

Glory hole : When you want to shake hands without the small talk.

Glory hole : The ultimate game of 'guess who?

For a peek-a-boo experience like no other, try a glory hole!

Threesomes are the only team sport where everyone gets a trophy.

If you feel stupid...

Remember 2.38 billion people think a virgin can be pregnant by a ghost.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

"Politics is the art of making your selfish desires seem like the national interest."
~ Thomas Sowell

Life Coach: “After a hot bath, drink a glass of chardonnay.”

Client: “But I’ll never finish drinking the bath …”

One does not simply jingle only half way.

A key to eating healthy? Avoid any food that has its own TV commercial.

The bankers are ultimately the ones who always win these wars, because all wars are bankers wars.

Top tip.

Give your kids packs of batteries for Christmas, with a note saying 'toys not included. '

When I finish eating something, I have to show my hands to my dogs like I’m a blackjack dealer…

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post.

I sent it right back - way too expensive and really bad quality.

Never kiss your mom on your dad’s birthday. Trust me on this one.

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

Hot and cool are antonyms but both are compliments.

Growing herbs can be profitable. Thyme is money.

"You never cure structural defects; the system corrects itself by collapsing."

"The electric light did not come from the continuous improvement of candles."

- Oren Harari

Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

"If your income is coming from labor rather than assets, you’re being decimated by hidden inflation."

Amateur programmers think there are 1000 bytes in a kilobyte; Real Programmers know there are 1024 meters in a kilometer.

I’m in the “drink once, pee twice” phase of life.

Rubbish - The stuff you throw away.
Stuff - The rubbish you keep.

When I find myself In times of trouble
Master Yoda comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom - “Be, it let"

Life is like a movie so make sure you pick up good songs for the soundtrack.

People who buy sex dolls...

are just fucking dummies...,

If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.

War is when your government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

If nobody will help you, do it alone.

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot"

"So you can knot?"

"No I cannot knot"

"Not knot"

"Who's there?"

We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise.

-- Larry Wall

У евреев умным считается тот, у кого 7-40 пядей во лбу.

The first rule of happiness is low expectations.

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur for lunch?

Tea, Rex?

Being single past 30 is like playing hide and seek expect no one’s looking for you.

"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

Be real, not perfect.

Users are a terrible thing. Systems would be infinitely more stable without them.

-- Michael T. Nygard

Do yourself a favor, get rich.

Religion - when grown ass adults argue about who has the better invisible friend.

What’s the worst thing to hear your surgeon say during the operation?

Literally anything.

We do not have a climate crisis.

We have a corruption crisis. A tyranny crisis. And an orchestrated economy crisis.

When you decide not to buy it, you save 100%.

Get your relatives talking to each other again by sending a Christmas card with your family photo including an extra child nobody knows.

Mum, can I have a cat for Christmas this year?
No, you’ll have turkey like the rest of us.

Therapist: You have a phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say I do
Therapist: thats the main one yes...

My daughter just graduated from law school...

Now she’s my daughter in law.

Every morning a huge German Shepherd poos on my front lawn.

Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.

“This one I’ll definitely remember.”

*Me creating a new password*

I’ve got a pet donkey that listens to Dr Dre, smokes marijuana and stays out all night.

He’s such a badass.

Most lasagna puns are multi-layered and overly-cheesy.

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

Apart from “fine” and “okay” do women have any other death threats?

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

"If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep you will work until you die."

— Warren Buffett

Dating is wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Keep your big goals away from small minds.

The lottery system is a voluntary tax on stupid people who don't understand statistics.

I had a joke about Shakespeare, but it was not to be.