Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Retirement is when you stop sacrificing today for some imaginary tomorrow.

Домик где она жила был хоть и небольшой, но публичный.

"You were once someone's sunshine. What happened?"
"Climate change."

Whoever has my voodoo doll...do that thing I like.

Make her legs shake, not her heart ache.

Date someone who's voice can make you calm. Or wet. Or both.

If you want to be happy go on a 6-months holiday twice a year.

Sex is like cooking. Everyone can do it, but only some make it delicious.

Me in heaven: "Where's the water You turned into wine?"
Jesus: "Don't start."

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

- Цилечка, я за хлебом! Какого купить?
- Полусладкого, Фима…

Car sex is not a problem. Where to park is.

I'm having a garage sale today!
Please don't come if I've ever borrowed anything from you.

I hate when people call my phone...

l don't use it for that.

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.

It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.

The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is
"compost."

Is it true that Israeli new AI supercomputer will pause computing on Saturdays?

2 incomes is better than one, make sure your girl has two jobs.

Q: Why can’t you trust dermatologists?
A: They make pore decisions.

Everything can always be done tomorrow, until it can’t.

I like my coffee how I like my women...without a penis.

- Вчера спал в бетономешалке.
- И как?
- Бетон мешает...

Asbestos may be bad for you, but not as bad as asworstos.

My life is a constant series of ups and downs. I store the beer downstairs.

Found an old jukebox in prison.

It was full of criminal records.

What’s crazy most of the record were jailhouse rock.

A Q is just a naked O.

Home is where ho and me come together.

Coding is 10% writing code and 90% convincing yourself it makes sense.

Be the reason HR updates their training.

You know what’s really odd? Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

Adam's apple always comes with a banana.

Born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

LADIES FIRST applies to doors and orgasms.

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery…

Before you ask why someone hates you, ask yourself why you give a fuck.

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre.

How to keep a man happy?
Cook him food and touch his pee pee.

Set impossible goals and you'll never be disappointed when you fail.

Men have foot fetishes because most of them lost their virginity to a sock.

Pierced titties taste like house keys.

In democracy, it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Высокая лояльность работодателю — это когда открываешь hh не больше двух раз за неделю.

Movie was so scary I hid under her bra and sucked her titty.

Download smaller viruses to your computer to help it build an immunity.

My dick has led me to places I wouldn't even go with a gun.

I need a girl who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math.

Если заканчивать любое утверждение фразой "или нет", получается забавно. Или нет.

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

Lazy People Fact #562728943
You were too lazy to read that number.

If you see someone over 40 out in public after 9pm, they 100% took a nap earlier in the day.

One testicle hangs a little lower than the other so they don't touch each other because thst's gay.

Clean code is a love letter to the next developer.

- У Вас есть хобби?
- Да, но меня хотят закодировать.

He who snores loudest wins the battle of sleep.

В чём разница между оральным и ректальным термометром ?....вкус

Big pharma is your dealer, not your healer.

If at first you don’t succeed, try taking off your clothes.

My therapist said I should write letters to people I hate and burn them. I did — now the police want to know why my neighbor’s missing.

I've got the body of a porn star....

All my clothes say XXXX.

Being a full stack developer is just being confused on both ends.

A senior developer is someone who fluently hates more than one programming language.

I love board games. My favourite is when people put meat and cheese on
a board. Maybe some crackers and fruit.

I’m really good at that one.

Note to self: These notes to self aren't working.

Yes, I have imagined you naked.

But don't worry, I didn't enjoy it.

I used to play a lot of sports. Once I realized I could buy the trophies I find I’m really good at all of them.

I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “please be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success.”

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
"No. I always give 110%".

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm.
And l couldn’t wait to be a grown- up so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.

Turns out that is 9 pm.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they are not robots.

Больше всего о величии говорят гномы.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

- Why are balloons so expensive?

- Inflation.

Math Book: "I’ve got too many fucking problems."
Me: "Boo-hoo, my life’s a fucking problem encyclopedia."

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite game?
Monopoly—because he’s always trying to build hotels on every corner!

- How does Donald Trump stay in shape?
- By jumping to conclusions!

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

- Why did the DJ get kicked out of the party?
- They kept “spinning” the same old tracks instead of mixing things up!

- How does a rock star deal with stress?
- They “roll” with it, but always end up “rocking” the boat instead!

- Why doesn’t Eminem play hide and seek?
- Because good luck hiding when you’re always “losing yourself” in the music!