Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Old professors never die, they just lose their class.

Rolling out of bed is easy... getting up off of the floor is another story.

“Fire tests gold, suffering tests brave men.”
— Seneca

Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing.

Having my ears cleaned is one of the most painful things I've ever had done...I can hear my wife perfectly now.

Big difference between politics and baseball.
In baseball you're out when caught stealing!

Never dated any girl in higher institution...
Yeah, I needed that Bachelor's Degree.

“The wise man accepts his pain, endures it, but does not add to it.”
— Marcus Aurelius

My wife has left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's knocked me for 6 !!!!

“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
— Oscar Wilde

Who's better at business. A Crack dealer or a prostitute?... the prostitute,, she can wash her Crack out & resell it...

“No enemy is worse than bad advice.”
— Sophocles

I was bringing a stool sample to my doctor when some jerk slammed into me and I dropped it. I was so angry, totally lost my shit.

If I choke on a sucker, am I lollygagging?

The death of an
electrician in my
local community
has sparked concerns.

Q: What is the opposite of Canada?
A: CAN'T-ada!!!!

Am I the only one who noticed that when you're constipated is when you really don't give a shit?

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

Geologists accept the earth's surface as it is..
Even with all its faults.

Being liked by kids and animals is fun until they start following u everywhere.

- Ты могла бы выйти замуж по расчету?
- Понимаешь, я так сильно люблю деньги, что как ни крути это все равно будет брак по любви.....

Those who teach about eyes have pupils.

I recently read the top 10 facts about diarrhea.

Number 2 surprised me.

I was having a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.
I asked my mate if he wanted one.
He said, No thanks mate, I'm Jewish.
Don't worry, I replied, they're free.

If pizza could talk, what would it say?
Probably lots of cheesy things.

Life is like a river with beavers living in it. It's just one dam thing after another.

“A liar will not be believed even when he tells the truth.”
— Aesop

I've been played so much , I'm now available on play store.

I got a bar installed into my roof.

Just so whenever I have guests I can say drinks are on the house.

Do you know why Avon ladies walk funny?
Their lipstick..

Если мужчина думает, что секс - не самое главное в жизни, значит он у него только что был.

How does everyone pronounce router?

Is it router or router?

What do you call a Roman Emperor with a cold?

Julius Sneezer.

Friend : "Wanna hang out ?"
Me : "Let me ask my mum."
Friend : "But you're 25.."
Me : "She said no."

Issac Newton said “ The greater the mass, the greater the attraction….”

And yet, here I am, still single….

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow?…

2 animals that are in a baaaaaddd mmoooooD.

Wonder Woman broke up with the Invisible Man. She made it perfectly clear she never wanted to see him again!

Did you know that humpbacks don't actually cry underwater?
They Whale!!

“All cruelty springs from weakness.”
— Seneca

I slept with 2 Thai birds last night.
Wow It was like winning the lottery..

We had six matching balls.

What disease did the Cured Ham have?

You know me,if I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor, and I mean that.
I will move to a rich neighborhood.

Why is poop named poop? Because when you say it, your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when you poop.

Психотерапевт спрашивает у мужчины, который никак не может жениться:
- Опишите, какой у вас идеальный образ второй половинки?
- Вторая половинка - она похожа на первую, а когда затекает одна, то можно посидеть на второй.

I've got really sensitive teeth.

They'll be really upset I told you.

I've had a vasectomy...
It didn't work..
It just changes the colour of the fucking kids.

I just got a job at a cartoon factory,it can get a little looney here.

“I begin to speak only when I am certain what I will say isn’t better left unsaid.”
— Kato the Elder

I tried settings up a website for women drivers but it just kept crashing.

“Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.”
— Mark Twain

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our pet store.
I've taken the lead.

A COP STARTED CRYING WHILE HE WAS WRITING ME A TICKET,I ASKED HIM WHY?,HE SAID ITS A "MOVING" VIOLATION!!!

Why doesn't Captain Hook play poker? He can't afford another losing hand.

“Open your mind before your mouth.”
— Aristophanes

“Whatever begins in anger, ends in shame.”
— Benjamin Franklin

Your heart is the size of a fist because you need it to fight.
- Lora Mathis

“To think too much is a disease.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky

Poetry is the art of saying let’s fuck without saying let’s fuck.

You know what really grinds my gears? Not knowing how to drive a stick shift.

“You become what you give your attention to.”
— Epictetus

- Джон, почему на вас клетчатые брюки?
- Потому что я шотландец.
- Да, но шотландцы носят юбки!
- А я гей.

*My body gets donated to science*

Science: Who do we talk to about a refund?

If youve never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

Where were you when the Titanic was going down?
I was in the back row eating popcorn.

The undertaker has two cars: his and hearse.

Why don't salamanders talk about controversial issues?
They signed a newtrality agreement.

I may look normal but I still telling my cat that if he speaks to me I'll keep the secret .
He never did.

You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?
Yeah, thats arrhythmia.
You can die from that!

In "Laughter" the "L" comes first... the rest of the letters come aughter it.

A contortionist who is also a fortune teller saw her own end.

What's the similarity between a male organ and boiled potatoes.

A: Both are soft when done.

I once saw a ghost made out of chocolates and vanilla.

Ice creamed.

The Dalai Lama spends a lot of time in Vegas.
.
I heard it's because he likes Tibet.

So I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch.
Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

His mother and father switched genders;
The reason was...
Transparent.

"How the fuck did they get my number?"
Me, every time my phone rings.

My son wants half of my Father’s Day gifts.

He said if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be a father.

What do you call compilations on loud cartoons?
Volumes.