Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Brass musicians are so stuck up…

Always blowing their own trumpets.

How do you cover footwear for damages?
You take out inshoerance.

How do you eat a hard drive?

One byte at a time!

Идеальную пару для себя вы всегда можете подобрать лишь в обувном магазине.

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals. I typed XXX on Google and the Romans came out naked.

I'm full of nerves about my job interview so my brother suggested i put cement powder in my coffee before i go to sleep. It doesnt work, its now the morning of my interview and i'm shitting bricks.

My hobbies include seeing how long I can hold my breath underwater and meeting Life Guards.

Just got a tattoo of Italy on my chest now I have sore Naples.

I bought a book called 'How to become an expert at Origami'.
So far, I've made 1000 paper snowballs.

Nonalcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries, fills you up
but without the buzz.

Why don't they send donkeys to school?
Because nobody likes a smart ass.

I'm going to work as a waitress for the summer for the first time. Yall got any tips?

The reason why I use Android is cause Adam and Eve had an Apple... and fucked everything up.

When You find a Bumblebee, let it Bee.

Husband: When I die, I want to die having sex.
Wife: At least it will be quick.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Wife gettting ready: How do I look honey?
Husband: With your eyes dear.

Why aren’t koala bears actually bears?
They don’t have the right koalafications.

What did the band geek get when he went to the dentist?
A tuba toothpaste.

Чем дольше у дамы не было секса, тем звонче она смеётся над шутками мужчины.

I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.
I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi .

What’s does a Harvard applicant and a Pornhub applicant have in common?
Prentending to be bi for diversity points.

What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?
They're on StandBi.

What does a bisexual porn star do at work?
Fuck all.

Q:What do a double hinged gate and a bisexual have in common?
A:They swing both ways.

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?
On their Bi Sickle!

I keep meeting bi women on the apps.
Every time I say hello they say Byeee.

My neighbours want me to come over for a threesome.
I told them I might be bi later.

Every girl is bi .
You just gotta figure out if it's polar or sexual.

What would you call a child born to bi parents?
A byproduct.

I always get nervous when my bi roommate tells jokes,
they can go either way.

I told my boyfriend I was bisexual....
He *buys* me food, and I'll get *sexual*.

How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bisexual?
Cuz he swings both ways.

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?
A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

Me: Are You Bi ?
Her: Yeah, i am.
Me: Have you told your parents ?
Her: Yes. Why are you asking ?
Me: That must’ve taken them.. bi surprise.

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments.

So I went into a shoe shop today and asked to see a pair of loafers.
The salesperson brought down the general manager and the chief accountant.

Why did the naked man take the elevator?
He couldn't take the stares.

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

A Blond goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?
Oh crap!' the blond says.
I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.
I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.

My wife thinks I dont give her enough privacy.

At least that’s what she said in her diary.

Came across an ex girlfriend last night….

I’ve still got a key to her flat and she’s a really heavy sleeper!

Me : "I love u"
She : "Oh, really?"
Me : "Yes, it's my favourite vowel"

Chances of losing weight are slim.

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

What did the elephant say to a naked man in a zoo?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

I did not expect such a big animal to come out of a small dwelling. Talk about an elephant of surprise!

Go to a goat petting zoo to experience a close encounter of the herd kind.

All the animals at the zoo were asleep when I visited. I was otterly disappointed.

A cage gate at the rare Asian animals' annex at the zoo was left unlocked. It was a panda-monium.

I applied for the position of a keeper at the zoo but turns out I was not koalafied.

Bisexuals don't wear glasses.
They use binoculars.

What do bisexuals say when they separate?
Bi bi.

Pros & Cons of making kids...
Pro's...Making.

Cons...Kids.

Some coffee comes too oily, and I prefer it comes latte.

How do fishermen get jobs?

Networking...

What do you call Snoop Dogg in a hot air balloon?

Higher than usual.

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander Woman.

I told a joke about a sex toy, its created quite a Buzz.

The price of petrol is so bad i put vodka in the lawn mower. Now my grass is half cut.

I used to collect pennies in a jar. But there were so many of them that I had to upgrade to an urn. So a penny saved was a penny urned.

I've heard that Stevie Wonder doesn't look well .

If you think Pi is 3142, then you're missing the point.

Q: Why did the thief wear blue gloves?
A: So he couldn't be caught red handed.

After a long day teaching math the teacher couldn’t wait to get home and ditch her algebra

How NOT to start a speech at a sex toy convention...
"It is with great pleasure that I came here today..."

Orgasms are important.
Otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop screwing eachother.

I always eat too many snacks when I’m nervous and also when I’m not.

They say the first thirty minutes are always the hardest in a nudist colony.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said nein…

At my office we go way above just having standards.
We have double standards.

What's a Karen's favourite drink ?
Whine .

The minister raised his hands in prayer, and said, “Oh Lord, we are but dust.”

A child’s voice piped up from the congregation, “Mommy, what’s butt dust?”

He left me because of my English but I doesn't care.

Remember when everyone who had diaries got pissed off when someone read them?
Now they put everything on Facebook and get pissed off when they don't!

The batteries in Chuck's cell phone automatically charge while he's using it.

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight
Unless it blows?