Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight
Unless it blows?

I had a threesome last night. A couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

What does electric cars and diarrhea have in common?

The fear of not coming home in time!

I knew a very sad guy named Matthew who was forever letting people walk all over him. I told him to stop being such a dour Matt.

I told my grandma that WTF means “Wow, That’s Fantastic”. Her texts are funny as hell now!!

My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks...

To the crocodiles.

Planted some Puns in my garden last year.
I wonder what's groan.

Every woman named Iris is 80% Irish.

Wife:"Why do you ALWAYS use weather references?"
Him:"Um, I haven't...😎 the foggiest."
Then he winked at her and stormed out.

I just got a job at an airline as a baggage handler,man,they really have a lot of baggage here.

I gave up on the beaver diet because frankly I don't give a dam.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Why do cowboys have brown mustaches?

Answer: looking for love in all the wrong places…

There's been a fight in a mall involving a man in a suit made of mirrors. The police gave the man a chance to sit down and reflect.

Answer: Look up down.

Question: How do you research goose feathers?

There was once a cannibal who had two wives and ate kids.

- ¿Es guapo?
- Lo quiero por su cerebro.
- ¡Los hombres piensan con la polla!
- ¡CORRECTO!

В детском саду:
- Здравствуйте, я дедушка Ленин.
- Да ты псих какой-то!
- Не надо грубить. Я пришел за внучкой, за Леночкой.

Post Malone has canceled his tour.

Does this now make him postpone Malone?

I hate swimming when it rains. I get all wet.

The undertaker has two cars: his and hearse.

Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?

My wife, interrupting me at a cocktail party:
For the last time- being first to push the elevator buttons doesn’t make you an “operative.”

I just got a job at an arrow making factory, this job seems right on target.

I dined at a Michelin restaurant the other night. Michelin is not taking inflation well. Plus the chicken was a little rubbery.

Если жизнь не клеится значит ты не умеешь пользоваться Моментом.

I took a kleptomania exam today.
- It wasn’t mine, but I took it anyway!

There's something wrong here, said the proctologist, but I can't put my finger on it.

When I'm reading
an article on milk
I just skim through.

Girls think they can change a guy who doesn't even change his underwear daily..

What do judges wear? A lawsuit.

I signed up for an anti-social network.
I think there's a lot of us, but nobody posts.
If they do, we'll be watching...

How did a couple of gardeners get married?

They had a weeding ceremony.

Two clever people can't fall in love, true love needs one idiot.

Why is it called "canning" if you use jars? That's totally jarring.

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool? They can't keep their trunks up.

I just got a job at a furniture making factory,I thought I wood like working here.

My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy.

Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

My wife want me to blow on her when whenever she gets overheated. Honestly, I'm not a fan....

I saw Gone with the Wind and the ending just blew me away.

What should you do before
you sign a cheque?

Check you have a pen.

What insurance should all politicians have?
Lie Ability.

Chuck Norris made Twisted Sister take it.

—¿Cómo se llama tu perra?
—Esperanza.
—¿Y por qué le has puesto chip? Es tontería.
—¿Por qué?
—Porque la esperanza nunca se pierde.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Does anyone know a fruit that works on lawyers?

How did King Tutankhamun attract Ankhesenpaaton, you ask?

Probably pharaohmones.

My umbrella broke in Half.
But it’s ok there’s only a fifty percent chance of rain .

What do you call 2 eggs living together?
Coeggsistence.

When Fat girls become mum, they are called Maximum.

I know I said I never wanted to be involved in a repossession, but now I take it back.

Despite removing all the stains, I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

Chuck Norris was not lonely at Heartbreak Hotel.

" Some talk to you in their free time and some free their time to talk to you..."

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son. She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

I've got no home, no control, and no escape.
Guess it's time for me to get a new keyboard.

Tha average Canadian man has sex 2-3 times a week whereas the average Japanese man has sex 2-3 times a year, which is pretty alarming because i didn't even know i was Japanese.

I’m feeling like the Michelin Man….
Tired!!!

Yet another reason for the chicken crossing the road:
Perhaps he was being egged on.

Math puns are the first sine of madness.

Why can’t you breed an eel with an eagle?

It’s Eeleagle.

Marry a man who is older than you so by the time you start losing your beauty, he will also be losing his eyesight.

I'm jus' politely saying that if a crow wakes you up, is that considered a, well, is that considered a wake up caw??

Do you know how to lose weight? ...fast.

Australians don’t reproduce.

They mate.

What fish is made from a pair of Sodium atoms?

2Na.

Went to a russian doctor to be circumcised.
His name was Dr Kutchakokov.

Is there an age limit for circumcision? I'd like to know the cut off date.

Our sales manager wants us to sell amplifiers and speakers below cost.
He thinks we can just make it up with volume.

My circuit breaker got wet and I’m really not sure what to do. I’m soakin fused.

I don't watch soccer. If I wanted to see someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take my friends to the bar.

Whitney Houston was a marriage counselor before becoming a singer.
Her clients would greet her by saying, "Houston, we have a problem!"

So I went to the Navy recruitment office.
The fella said: "Can you swim?"

I said: "Why, don’t you have any ships?"

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.
The librarian says, Sure, what Volume would you like?

—¿Aquí no hay aire acondicionado?
—¡PAREN LA AUTOPSIA!

Junior developer: There's a bug in my code, Please help me.
Senior developer: (looks at the code) You are the bug.

—Tendría que haber cogido una linterna más potente.
—Quiero otro urólogo.