Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

How do you please a woman in bed?

Let her sleep!

Shipwrecked, he landed on an isle of cake & ice cream.

He's on a dessert island.

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
- George Carlin

My gf and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I said
. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Sundays..

Sleep until youre hungry then eat until youre sleepy.

A day without nuclear fusion is like...

A day without sunshine!

A guy walks into a tavern and shouts "All lawyers are assholes"
Another guy at the end of the bar says "You better watch what you say around here, buddy"
"Why? you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

The cost of wood is going up, which means Viagra will be more expensive...

I opened both my electric & water bills at the same time.

I was shocked.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

- Чтобы уснуть, баб своих бывших считаю. Помогает.
- А чего не баранов?
- Да там всего один раз было.

Today I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…
Scared the shit outta me.

Always remember that the same crowd that cheers your coronation will also cheer your beheading.
People like a show.

What city in Scotland reminds me of a guy with a donkey?
Ed and burro!

Checkout cashier: “ Paper, or plastic?”
Me: “ Doesn’t matter, I’m bisacksual”….

Where do birds meet for coffee?
Nest-cafe.

I started studying sign language and I'm starting to believe it's handy.

Everyone knows beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but what are in the hands of the beholder?
Boobs.

I went to a pet shop.
I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.

Sometimes people ask me if I like dogs (or cats).
I'll reply, "It depends on the recipe."

When Chuck Norris goes to Rome, The Romans do as Chuck.

I was leaning on the fence talking to my friend, when suddenly he evaporated. I tell you, that guy is really going to be mist.

Imagine marrying an old man for money and you die first.

I have a joke about capitalism. But I won't share it with you.

You're living. You occupy space, you have mass. Know what that means?
You matter.

What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?

Megasoreass.

Ugh, my first visit to Las Vegas and I get kicked out of the casino
due to a slight misunderstanding at the craps table.

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?
"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

My boss told me that I’m “going to have to find someone else to work for.” I asked him not to quit. Good bosses are hard to find.

Why'd the Polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride...

The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide teepee.
This just proves that ...

The squaw of the hippopotomus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

#polygamy

If i had many wives, i would make sure they all spoke different languages so they could not make fun of me behind my back.
#polygamy

I’m only 2 wives short of being a polygamist.

I must be a polygamist because my wife is a Gemini.

Doesn't make sense that most women are against polygamy. Every little girl had at least ten Barbies and just one Ken.

Some guys refer to their wife as "their better half." What if you're a polygamist? "Here's Joan, my better sixth?"

Her: Could you do Polygamy?

Me: Hell no. I hated algebra in High School.

A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"
"Go ask your mothers", he said.

I set up a booth at our local mall where I tie people’s shoelaces for them. Next year I’ll file taxes as a knot for profit organization.

I want to handle the topic of traditional homosexual polygamy.
Just like my four fathers did.

"You are accused of polygamy"

"And who pressed charges?

"Your wife"

"Which one exactly?"

There is a local beer company here in Utah called Polygamy Porter
Their motto is "Beer so good, why not have more than one"

I kept hearing someone yell, "12 inches! 12 inches! 12 inches!"
I then knew something was afoot.

A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"
"It's having one wife too many", he says.

"And what is monogamy?"

"... the same"

If having two sex partners is bigamy, and anything above that is polygamy, what is it called when having a single sex partner?
Monotony.

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?
Multiple mothers-in-law.

I met a stripper with really nice Gucci clothes
Then I found out it was a ripoff.

Did you hear about the male escort who keeps killing his clients?
They call him Jack the Stripper.

If I were a stripper I would be called bacon.
Because bacon strips.

The stripper made her son lunch for school today.
It was hoe made.

Where does Santa's stripper mom work?
The North Pole.

Why should you never fight Destiny?
Because then you will have to fight the bouncers, and every other stripper in the club.

My credit card is like a stripper.
There isn't much on it.

What's the best part of a bulimic birthday party?
...When the cake jumps out of the stripper.

I got kicked out of a titty club.
The stripper started yelling at me for using fake money, so I yelled at her for using fake titties.

What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper?
About 2 weeks.

Why did the stripper need more insurance?
She had little to no coverage.

A man walks into a bar and sees a plus sized stripper dancing on a table..
He tells her, "Nice legs!"
"Wow, you really think so?"
"Definitely," he replies, "most tables would have collapsed for sure."

My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.
So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.
Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

The average stripper weighs 112lbs.
According to one pole.

I once met a dyslexic stripper
named Density.

Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.

Prince Harry and William must feel so awkward in a strip club
Imagine having to put pictures of your gran into a stripper's bra.

I stole a stripper's kid.
It was like taking baby from a Candi.

How many dead strippers does it take to change a light bulb ?
At least 13 because my basement is still dark.

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn’t have that much breast milk.

Dating a striper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down inside they want some too.

What do strippers and peanut butter have in common?
They both spread for bread.

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?
A: It is cheap fast, and if the rubber breaks, your pretty much screwed.

Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.
But she screamed when I brought her one.

Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's....
Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.

Q:How are strippers like giants?
A:they both grind bones to make bread.

Möbius strippers...
never show their backside.

How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid?
Mini-mom wage.

I would have been a stripper...
...but I just couldn't pull it off.

I was out walking when this Spanish guy passed by me three times. I thought whats up with him, then realised he was a trespasser.