Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was out walking when this Spanish guy passed by me three times. I thought whats up with him, then realised he was a trespasser.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with paint. I said "i'll get your coat"

The early bird may get the worm,
but the worm who sleeps late misses the birds.

There’s a new chain of Russian restaurants opening up… They are called
Olivegarchy…

A man's loyalty is tested when he has everything. A woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing.

I was looking forward to getting a new broom after I won the sweepstake.

My wife is slowly getting over her obsession with The New Kids On The Block.
It's a step by step process.

Семья едет на машине. И вдруг в лобовое стекло прилетает огромный дилдо.
Маленький мальчик спрашивает:" Что это было? "
Отец в шоке "Да так, шмель".
Мальчик через пару минут " Как он с таким х*ем вообще летает ?"

Концентрируясь только на позитиве (любого рода), вы будете притягивать ещё больше проблем (любого рода) связанные с неадекватным восприятием реальности.

How does a frenchman break up with his girlfriend? With a Dijon letter.

A man who was falsely accussed of stealing salt from a supermarket seemed visibly shaken.

I know I'm getting old, just went into an antique store and everything looked new.

A burglar broke into a plumbing company. The cops had to flush him out!

My wife went to a bad concert in South East Asia!
Singapore?
Terrible, and so were the rest of the band!

Авраам родил Исаака, Исаак родил Иакова... А потом там какая-то фигня случилась, рожать стали женщины.

Stop with the air conditioner jokes.
I’m not a fan.

Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."
Wife: 😲

Жизнь у нас с мужем шла спокойно... пока я не заметила, что соседка моет подъезд его трусами

Magicians. They can be tricky.

When Elvis found out his collection of sneakers were made in China he sold some of them. He wanted a little less Converse asian.

Why wouldn’t Amber Heard’s car turn on? There was no battery.

How do flat earthers travel the world?

On a plane.

I tried the battery diet until I ran out of power.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

Me, myself and I are looking for a fourth person to play cards with...

Only serious candidates please.

There’s only one thing worse than inflation. Your finger going through the toilet paper.

It's not that people use only 10% of their brains... it's that only 10% of people use their brains.

If two Car Dealers had a Shared Parking Area...

they would have a lot in common.

"Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have."

To me, the only real middle of the road band are The White Stripes.

For sale: Seven (7) lions. Six (6) females and one (1) male. Turns out I totally misunderstood pride month, and now they're in need of a new home.

I enjoyed working at the knife store.
There was never a dull moment.

Wife: “It's raining cats and dogs?"
Husband: "Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer".

People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...
Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

I hate people who use deep English just to make us feel intoxicated by exaberance of verbosity betaprotal contraction.

Important Question:
If a Toucan can, can a Cockatoo too ?

Thanks to inflation . I’m so poor I had to milk the dog to feed the cat. You ever tried to milk a Chihuahua those little bastards are mean!

Always be kind to people.
Instead of saying "fuck off", say "How can I help you to fuck off?"

Don't order hay for your horse from Amazon or eBay.
After a couple of days they ask for your feed back.

Why dont eggs have eyes? Because they would be too egg sighted.

Paddy sees a poster "Irishman wanted for rape and murder" and into the police station he goes to apply for the job.

I invented a relish, and it’s selling well. It's my main
sauce of income.

Just bought a low energy light bulb from the hardware store

Assistant asked Will you be putting this up yourself?

I said No its going in the lounge.

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks – it's all lice.

A telemarketer said he couldn't understand me.

I told him to press "1" for English.

So I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

If a mixing engineer suggests ways to make your album better, listen to them. It's sound advice.

A husband and wife are arguing:
Wife: You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back
Husband: What do you expect, you’re in a wheelchair.

My pet rock isn’t feeling so good ….it might be stoned.

WOW!
Just got asked to leave a Vegan restaurant with a live DJ for requesting Meatloaf.

At the airport & I just saw a man collapse on the luggage carousel. Think he's ok, as he's just coming round.

I tried to give myself a sex change, but couldn't quite pull it off.

My gf started to do a striptease just for me. She asked me what should go out first.

Apparently "The light" was not the correct answer.

Told my friend a joke about viagra. I have never seen him laugh so hard.

Being a scarecrow is a hard job.
But hay, it's in my jeans.

You wanna know what's odd?
Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
Ugh, this joke is so bad, I can't even...

Time flies when you're wearing a watch inside an airplane.

The reason the band Kiss wears makeup is because they are hiding from Chuck Norris.

I went to the hardware store to buy some nails, the assistant asked how long do i want them? Well i want to keep them, i replied.

My friend said."I just couldn't work after what my boss said. I asked what he said? She replied,"He said I'm fired."

Doctor told me the accident broke all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

Boys love tall girls.
But t is silent.

I asked my gluten intolerant friend about their favorite bread dough. It is "No need".

What do ghosts call their boobies?

Paranormal Entitties.

My wife told me that after this next load she is never doing laundry again.

She threw in the towel.

I wouldn’t kill so many house plants if they would just learn to scream for food and water like my kids and pets do.

My girlfriend and I had a pregnancy scare misunderstanding.
Turns out it was her Pet rabbit that died and she has mourning sickness.

The Police just left. Apparently, I AM allowed to walk around my house naked.
HOWEVER, I have to do it inside.

Parenting these days is hard...

like trying to teach your kid that vagina isn't a dirty word

but it's not something to name a pet that you might have to yell for outside.

I am a professional vegetarian. At the end of each month I receive a celery.

Went to the doctors yesterday with a suspicious looking mole.
He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden.

A bit of advice: When you go to the dentist, turn off your Bluetooth…

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

My dentist offered to give me dentures for one dollar. I thought it was a good deal.
- But now I have buck teeth!

Chuck Norris can make a cow out of cheese.

- Just because you haven’t met the
woman of your dreams yet;
Doesn’t mean you ever will.

Went for a job as network engineer. Working for a company that tracked sex offenders. They asked, 'What is a VPN?'. With hindsight visible panty nickers was not a good answer.

There is a slim chance that I will start dieting.

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

Фима с кроссвордом.
- Циля,не помнишь, в каком году было восстание Спартака?
- Ой,та я вообще вашим футболом не интересуюсь..