Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Фима с кроссвордом.
- Циля,не помнишь, в каком году было восстание Спартака?
- Ой,та я вообще вашим футболом не интересуюсь..

How do i know my dog is a watchdog? He has ticks.

Nobody flirts better than a girl that has absolutely no plans to have relationship.

What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?
An itching butt.

Изя схватился за сердце, но строгий взгляд Сары заставил его прожить ещё 40 лет.

SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE SOMEONE LIKE YOU

It takes 2 wipes to know you needed 3 wipes, but 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

I think a polygamist just asked me to marry him. I bet I just didn’t harem right.

What did the Goat say to his son when he told a bad joke ?
“You’ve got to be
Kidd-ing!”

When the ballet's wardrobe was lost, the ballerina was forced to wear a subtitutu.

Продают рыбу, живую, в бочке. Абрам спрашивает.
- У вас свежая рыба?
- Ты что, не видишь, она жива. Абрам говорит:
- У меня Сара тоже живая, но не свежая.

I asked my sister, “Why is it you always have money and I’m always broke?”

She said, “Because I have a husband and you have a wife.”

I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

Did you hear about the Irish circumsiser? He slipped and got the sack.

My husband never liked puns or the theater until I took him to see a play on words.

You can correct people's grammar or you can have friends but you can't do both.

I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

My knife is made from cutting edge technology.

Kissing is like peeing your pants
Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Worried about a friend of mine named Kate. She joined this group who isolates themselves. I said please don't commune it Kate.

Today was my daughter’s fourth birthday, and it was like I didn’t even recognize her. I’ve never seen her be four.

- Рабинович, дважды два - это сколько?
- Восемь!
- Сколько?!..
- Шесть!
- Подумайте.
- Четыре!
- Отчего же вы таки сразу не сказали?
- Папаша велел говорить больше, чтобы было чего уступать.

I'm not a Huey Lewis fan, but I go to their concerts because my wife likes them.

That's the power of love.

Why do tampons have strings?

So the crabs can bunkee jump!

My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it.

Now he’s just some bunny that we used to know.

For those struggling with English:
Don't = Do Not
Won't = Wo Not
You're welcome.

My wife never recognizes me when I’m in bed.
Because I’m UNDERCOVER….

Did you know Mortal Kombat is actually based on an old Scandinavian church song?

a Finish hymn...

I love my girlfriend so much that I almost told her about my other girlfriend.

I'm so old..
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

Dad : Who do u like more, mum or dad?
Son : Both
Dad : Okay, if I go to Malaysia and your mum goes to Dubai , where will you go?
Son : Dubai
Dad : That shows u love your mum more?
Son : No, it shows i love Dubai more than Malaysia
Dad : Okay, if i go to Dubai and your mum goes to Malaysia , where will u go?
Son : Malaysia
Dad : Replied angrily, why?
Son :🤣🤣🤣🤣why the anger, I chose Malaysia because I have been to Dubai before
Dad : When did you go to Dubai ?
Son : During the first question

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner,

because Im ready in 5 minutes,

look nothing like my photos,

and Im just satisfying enough for you to want me again

when youre desperate...

— Послушай, Изя, ты уже взрослый самостоятельный человек! Тебе 30 лет. За тебя уже таки давно все должна решать твоя жена, а не мама!

When I visit London, sometimes I sleep at the airport to save money; but when the security guard comes at night Heathrows me out.

What’s the one thing to guarantee you get butterflies? Caterpillars.

What do you call a doll that does kung fu? Chucky Chan.

To sell your art successfully you have to be articulate!

Did you know how much cocaine
Charlie Sheen used?
It was enough to kill Two and a Half Men!

How to get laid: lay on bed, wait two hours, lay becomes past tense.

I took my car in for a service today.
It was a real struggle dragging it up the stairs and into the church.

An empty glass walks into a bar.
The barman says: ”Sorry I can’t serve you, you’re drunk.”

"The grass is wet," said Tom after dew consideration.

My friend Maureen studies animals that live in the ocean. She's a Maureen biologist.

A woman spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made
redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days
outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
She's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

Плывущих на отколовшейся льдине рыбаков сняли спасатели.
На телефон.

I just found a great sale on fishing equipment. I'd say it was the reel deal.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows...
They never get to keep the house.

Chuck Norris never has to plug in his Tesla.

Amazing how much difference there is between booty calling and butt dialing.

- Фима,ты опять на чужих баб глазеешь ?!
- Ну шо ты,Циля,я ж аппетит нагуливаю, а кушать буду дома..
- Знаешь шо,Фима, а еда может стать и недоступной!
- Ой, Цилечка, сейчас так много мест, где можно таки по-быстрому перекусить...

If someone calls you a perfectionist just ignore them, you're better than that.

Одесса. Табличка в туалете: «Уважаемые! Не вставайте—таки ногами на унитаз! Есть много других способов быть на высоте! Администрация».

A psychiatrist once told me I suffer from delusions of grandeur...
I figured he must say that about everyone who is awesome and kicks ass.

What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics? He finally came to his census.

Someone asked me what my sign is.
I told them "No Parking".

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Would the body of a dead magician be called an abra cadaver ?

The blind man finally bought a braille clock. He felt it was time.

The invisible cows were herd but not seen.

Q- is your stomach flat?
A- yes…just the L is silent.

I hate that awkward feeling when you’re talking and realize nobody is listening so you just kind of fade out and pretend you never said anything.

Rotor… this word’s been going around but still looks the same.

What do people with a lot of time do in the shopping mall ?
- Fart around.

—Menuda matraca.
—Quiero otro psicólogo.

If the planet is over 77% water, why did they name it Earth?

Q: How do you get rid of a dishwasher?
A: File for a divorce.

Happiness for engineering students? Lecture canceled.

The best engineers have the worst handwriting.

- Daddy, will I ever have free time?
-No son, we are engineers.

“Engineer solving problems you didn’t know you had in ways you can’t understand.”
—Unknown

“Engineering is the closest thing to magic that exists in the world.”
—Elon Musk

“Unfortunately, humans have a long history of trying to fix their engineering mistakes with more engineering mistakes!”
—Steven Magee

“The ‘H’ in ENGINEER stands for happiness.”
—Unknown

“What’s nice about having an engineering degree is everybody thinks you are smart.”
—Ato Essandoh

“Science is about knowing; engineering is about doing.”
—Henry Petroski

My life is full of positives and negatives. I’m an electrical engineer.

“Electrical Engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.”

“Chemical engineers build the rocket fuel. Electrical engineers build the guidance system. Nuclear engineers build the payload. Environmental engineers clean it up.”
—Unknown

“Engineering is the art and science of nuts and bolts.”
—Haresh Sippy