Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I kept hearing someone yell, "12 inches! 12 inches! 12 inches!"
I then knew something was afoot.

A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"
"It's having one wife too many", he says.

"And what is monogamy?"

"... the same"

If having two sex partners is bigamy, and anything above that is polygamy, what is it called when having a single sex partner?
Monotony.

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?
Multiple mothers-in-law.

I met a stripper with really nice Gucci clothes
Then I found out it was a ripoff.

Did you hear about the male escort who keeps killing his clients?
They call him Jack the Stripper.

If I were a stripper I would be called bacon.
Because bacon strips.

The stripper made her son lunch for school today.
It was hoe made.

Where does Santa's stripper mom work?
The North Pole.

Why should you never fight Destiny?
Because then you will have to fight the bouncers, and every other stripper in the club.

My credit card is like a stripper.
There isn't much on it.

What's the best part of a bulimic birthday party?
...When the cake jumps out of the stripper.

I got kicked out of a titty club.
The stripper started yelling at me for using fake money, so I yelled at her for using fake titties.

What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper?
About 2 weeks.

Why did the stripper need more insurance?
She had little to no coverage.

A man walks into a bar and sees a plus sized stripper dancing on a table..
He tells her, "Nice legs!"
"Wow, you really think so?"
"Definitely," he replies, "most tables would have collapsed for sure."

My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.
So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.
Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

The average stripper weighs 112lbs.
According to one pole.

I once met a dyslexic stripper
named Density.

Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.

Prince Harry and William must feel so awkward in a strip club
Imagine having to put pictures of your gran into a stripper's bra.

I stole a stripper's kid.
It was like taking baby from a Candi.

How many dead strippers does it take to change a light bulb ?
At least 13 because my basement is still dark.

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn’t have that much breast milk.

Dating a striper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down inside they want some too.

What do strippers and peanut butter have in common?
They both spread for bread.

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?
A: It is cheap fast, and if the rubber breaks, your pretty much screwed.

Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.
But she screamed when I brought her one.

Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's....
Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.

Q:How are strippers like giants?
A:they both grind bones to make bread.

Möbius strippers...
never show their backside.

How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid?
Mini-mom wage.

I would have been a stripper...
...but I just couldn't pull it off.

I was out walking when this Spanish guy passed by me three times. I thought whats up with him, then realised he was a trespasser.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with paint. I said "i'll get your coat"

The early bird may get the worm,
but the worm who sleeps late misses the birds.

There’s a new chain of Russian restaurants opening up… They are called
Olivegarchy…

A man's loyalty is tested when he has everything. A woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing.

I was looking forward to getting a new broom after I won the sweepstake.

My wife is slowly getting over her obsession with The New Kids On The Block.
It's a step by step process.

Семья едет на машине. И вдруг в лобовое стекло прилетает огромный дилдо.
Маленький мальчик спрашивает:" Что это было? "
Отец в шоке "Да так, шмель".
Мальчик через пару минут " Как он с таким х*ем вообще летает ?"

Концентрируясь только на позитиве (любого рода), вы будете притягивать ещё больше проблем (любого рода) связанные с неадекватным восприятием реальности.

How does a frenchman break up with his girlfriend? With a Dijon letter.

A man who was falsely accussed of stealing salt from a supermarket seemed visibly shaken.

I know I'm getting old, just went into an antique store and everything looked new.

A burglar broke into a plumbing company. The cops had to flush him out!

My wife went to a bad concert in South East Asia!
Singapore?
Terrible, and so were the rest of the band!

Авраам родил Исаака, Исаак родил Иакова... А потом там какая-то фигня случилась, рожать стали женщины.

Stop with the air conditioner jokes.
I’m not a fan.

Waitress: "And how would you like your eggs??"
Hubby: "Out of the chicken, please."
Wife: 😲

Жизнь у нас с мужем шла спокойно... пока я не заметила, что соседка моет подъезд его трусами

Magicians. They can be tricky.

When Elvis found out his collection of sneakers were made in China he sold some of them. He wanted a little less Converse asian.

Why wouldn’t Amber Heard’s car turn on? There was no battery.

How do flat earthers travel the world?

On a plane.

I tried the battery diet until I ran out of power.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

Me, myself and I are looking for a fourth person to play cards with...

Only serious candidates please.

There’s only one thing worse than inflation. Your finger going through the toilet paper.

It's not that people use only 10% of their brains... it's that only 10% of people use their brains.

If two Car Dealers had a Shared Parking Area...

they would have a lot in common.

"Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have."

To me, the only real middle of the road band are The White Stripes.

For sale: Seven (7) lions. Six (6) females and one (1) male. Turns out I totally misunderstood pride month, and now they're in need of a new home.

I enjoyed working at the knife store.
There was never a dull moment.

Wife: “It's raining cats and dogs?"
Husband: "Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer".

People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...
Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

I hate people who use deep English just to make us feel intoxicated by exaberance of verbosity betaprotal contraction.

Important Question:
If a Toucan can, can a Cockatoo too ?

Thanks to inflation . I’m so poor I had to milk the dog to feed the cat. You ever tried to milk a Chihuahua those little bastards are mean!

Always be kind to people.
Instead of saying "fuck off", say "How can I help you to fuck off?"

Don't order hay for your horse from Amazon or eBay.
After a couple of days they ask for your feed back.

Why dont eggs have eyes? Because they would be too egg sighted.

Paddy sees a poster "Irishman wanted for rape and murder" and into the police station he goes to apply for the job.

I invented a relish, and it’s selling well. It's my main
sauce of income.

Just bought a low energy light bulb from the hardware store

Assistant asked Will you be putting this up yourself?

I said No its going in the lounge.

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks – it's all lice.

A telemarketer said he couldn't understand me.

I told him to press "1" for English.