Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“The fewer moving parts, the better. Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.”
—Christian Cantrell

“Majors in mechanical engineering, talks down to civil engineering friends about how easy their major is.”
—Unknown

“Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
—Scott Adams

“Given enough time, an engineer will optimize to infinity.”
—Unknown

“Engineers: they turn coffee into buildings.”
—Unknown

“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”
—Scott Adams

My family branded me as a failure. Then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their Prime.

Did you hear Big Ben collapsed in London?

Thankfully they've got clean up crews working around the clock.

My dentist uses the sensitive toothpaste.
He has fillings too.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".

I'm so old, that when I was a kid rainbows were in black and white.

"Jimmy, why are you walking around the backyard without any clothing on?"
Jimmy replied, "I lost at strip poker and that's the naked truth."

My mate won't help me fix tyres, so I have to get someone who wheel.

If money can't buy you love then why do dating websites charge?

I checked out the conditions of an old tree this morning. I didn't like the sound of its bark.

I'm psychic but I'm also a procrastinator.
I'll predict the future tomorrow, 11ish.

When the Brits and Belgians fought over sewage rights was that the battle of water loo?

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

- Aristotle

If its not related to elephants...
Its irrelephant.

The day I was tall enough to touch the radio on the shelf was the day I reached my Zenith.

What to you think of the Abortion bill?
I think we should pay it.

You can pick your friends, and pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friends nose without consent.

"The deeper the wound, the more private the pain."
Isabel Allende

I don’t sing well. I once joined a church choir and was told I should sing tenor. As in: ten or twenty yards away from the choir.

Did you hear the one about the haunted elevator? It was a great story; it really lifted my spirits

If my cousin marries your cousin, that makes us cousins in law. See, it’s a matter of relative-ity

I once asked Calvin Klein's daughter out on a date but she turned me down.

Her name is Dee.

Those who can't dance shouldn't.
Those who can, can Can- can.

I was in an unfamiliar area and saw a couple teenagers, I asked them " how do you get to Pittsburgh?" The one replied, " my mom takes me!"

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.

They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but you're not.

Listening to Queens albums could be bad for your health due to...

high mercury content...

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

Song for your beloved car??
Hyundai Will Always Love You...

Found $80 in my pocket today. The kid in me said, "Buy Nerf guns and candy."

The adult in me said, "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy."

Whoever came up with ice fishing must have had the worst marriage on the planet.
- Jeff Cesario

Why don't eggs tell jokes, because they crack up before the punchline.

I just got my new credit card and all I can buy with it is coffee.
Its an American Espresso card..

My heart is o pen, as I've met an artist and am really drawn to her.

Jack had a stable relationship with his horse. No nagging problems at all.

I figured out why I don't like rabbit stew. It's because I always find a hare in it.

I convinced my wife to abandon her veganism by going cold turkey.

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

Am sorry but going to kfc for a vegan burger is like going to a brothel for meaningful Conversation.

We should start referring to 'age' as levels, so when you're at level 80, it sounds more badass than just being an old person.

-Расскажи о себе, что-нибудь.
-Ну, я ленивая, люблю покушать. Дальше лень разговаривать - пойду поем.

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

Chuck can see the invisible man.

I was going to join the apathy club but couldn't be bothered.

It's really expensive to be poor.

Of course size matters...
No one wants a small taco.

Applied for a job as a Hitman today. The hours suck, but it has killer benefits.

Why do we sing to God?
To respect Hymn.

What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I may be borderline schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

Cosmetic puns are really difficult to make-up.

How do birds talk to God?
Prey.

I was testing my neighbors chicken if it was fast,now they call me a thief.

I split the sheet and the sheet split me, splitten was the sheet that was splitten by me. Now say it as fast as you can.

I was thinking about buying a race horse but I really couldn’t pony up that much cash.

At the barbecue Joan of Arc made an ash of herself in screaming that she wanted her stake medium rare.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

What do you call holy bread?

Jesus Crust!

I asked a guy at the station when the next train was coming?

He said Have a look online!

I said Thats kinda dangerous isnt it?

What do you call an alcoholic bra?

BRANDY.

Chuck Norris can play ping pong alone.

Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.

После фразы Путина "Готовь дырочку", министр обороны Шойгу так и не понял - наградят его, или накажут.

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper.
"What kind of pepper would you like? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asks the manager.
He replied "Toilette pepper!"

My blind date tonight is 6ft 6inches tall.

Just can't wait 2metre.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s nice to be wanted. I just didn’t want to be on a wanted list.

I asked google
how often do people die in hot air balloons?

turns out its only once...

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

"Things start out as hopes and end up as habits."

I’m being blamed for the missing grated cheese, but they haven’t found one shred of evidence.

Marriage 101: When the wife is out mowing the lawn after a long day at work, dont ask her when dinner will be ready.

I won $3 million on the lottery last weekend. So I've decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999,75. left.