Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take away everything you have.

"When someone says you can’t do it, do it twice and take pictures."

I no longer identify as a "Conspiracy Theorist."
You can now refer to me as

"That guy that was right all along."

Cold coffee is disgusting, unless it’s intentionally cold then it’s delicious.

I wouldn't mind being cloned. Just keep that asshole away from me.

Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, 'How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?'

-- Steve McConnell

Slavery never ended it was just disguised as employment.

"Be so big that it’s cool to hate you."

"The stock market is a device for transferring money from the impatient to the patient."

— Warren Buffett

"Free people make free choices. Free choices mean you get unequal outcomes.

You can have freedom, or you can have equal outcomes. You can’t have both."

"Our temporary solution to a temporary problem has become a permanent problem."

"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
- Martin Golding

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

I stole breakfast from the bakery on the way to work yesterday.
It was a piece of cake.

You are having your purchasing power silently stolen from you via inflation.

"Education is no substitute for intelligence."

When the state calls you a taxpayer, it's equivalent to a rapist calling his victim his girlfriend.
— Javier Milei

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Cat: Meow.

Doctor: Ok but where?

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

Survived too many storms to be bothered by raindrops.

6 Signs You Are Mentally Enslaved
1. You think you're free
2. You think your vote matters
3. You think police exist for safety
4. You think public schools are for education
5. You trust corporate media
6. You trust "officials & experts"

Stop cheating on your future with your past. It's over.

Stay away from people who act like a victim in a problem they created.

If Jesus turned water into wine, why does water still exist?

The difference between government and thieves is that thieves don't pretend they're helping you.

I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.

My sexual preference is.....often.

I’m a Creationist, I believe man created god.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.

-- P. J. Plauger

My girlfriend's vagina smells like Lillie's ....

But, Lillie's is tighter...

Do nudists solve problems?

No they "nut" things out, get to the " bottom" of it and "figure" it out.

Debuggers don't remove bugs. They only show them in slow motion.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school? Because her students were so bright!

“Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result.”
– Oscar Wilde

A woman goes to the doctor who asks
what do you need help with today?

She replies I have recently sprouted 10 additional breasts, and now have 12, you gotta help me doc!

The doc replies

Wow, that definitely complicates things, dozen tit!

They convinced you that 'freedom' is giving 30-60% of your hard earned money to the government each year, just to stay out of jail.

It's kind of crappy that we basically pay politicians to tell us to go screw ourselves.

Quran: A camel herder's guide to the galaxy.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

- Me at self checkout

"Solve via iteration. Then get paid via repetition."

Never try to catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the local birds have flown south for the winter.

What do you call a horny square?

An erectangle.

Just finished a course on positive thinking.

It was rubbish.

if you rob a bank you're a criminal.

if the bank robs you its finance.

if everyone robs everyone its decentralized finance.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Teach your daughter to shoot. Because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Being unhappy is very inefficient.

Can God write a program so complex that he cannot debug it?

(a variant of the Omnipotence Paradox)

If you drive a Subaru backward, what are you?

U r a bus.

Rule #1: Fuck what they think.

If all the countries in the world are in debt...

Where did all the money go?

They warned me to watch out for the cow manure, but I think that's bullshit.

Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes & put them under the tree.
Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".

Boss: “Send me one of your jokes”.
Employee: “I’m working, I'll send you one later”.
Boss: "That a good one. Send me another one".

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, "I can't pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!"

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
— Isaac Asimov

I just found out my wife has a twin. I saw her on Tinder.

I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips.

"If tobacco companies get in trouble for selling products that give people cancer, then universities should get in trouble for selling student debt to students with worthless degrees."

Whoever put S in fastfood is a marketing genius.

Today's advice:
Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home early.

In order to understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.

At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time. That person is your manager at work.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

All programs have at least one bug remaining and can be optimized by one byte. Thus, by mathematical induction, all programs can be reduced to one byte. And it won't work.

Me: you can find the glory of God in the smallest of things.
Her: Be that as it may, stop sending me dick pics.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean on thing... It’s laundry day.

I gave my french girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...

Well my doctor always calls me patient.

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Sorry it's gonna take me some time to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Income tax: 'The fine you pay for being productive and useful.'

My therapist told me to write letters to everyone who's hurt me then burn them.

I've done that. Now what do I do with the letters?

My Korean friend died last week

So Yung.

LIFE HACKS/2023 Edition
1. If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2. If Biden says it's true, it's false.
3. If the CDC, FDA say it's safe, it's dangerous.
4. If congress makes a law to help you, it will eventually hurt you.
5. If the media agrees, it's a lie.

HR: On your resume it says you went to Yale.
Me: Yes, for my sister’s graduation.

In my life I like to prioritise procrastination.