Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel?

He called it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

The CIA = COCAINE IMPORTING AGENCY

How do you know when a website is lying?
When it ends in dot gov.

In 2018 Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, ran an ad campaign branding itself as the "G-Spot of Europe" accompanied by the slogan "Nobody knows where it is, but when you get there - it's amazing."

What do you call a feminist government?

A Dick-hater-ship.

"Secrecy is the keystone to all tyranny. Not force, but secrecy and censorship.''
~ Robert A. Heinlein

What do you get when you cross a cow and a trampoline?
A milkshake that really bounces!

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had drumsticks!

Fake history is what you were taught on purpose.

If you want to reach a large audience appeal to idiots

~ A. Schopenhauer

“A senior developer is someone who fluently hates more than one programming language.”

Politicians will fuck anything but off.

Приходит мужик к доктору.
- Доктор, у меня яйцо опухло!
- Ну показывайте, показывайте.
- А вы смеяться не будете?
- Ну что вы, что вы. Я же доктор.
Мужик вываливает на стол левое.
- Хи-хи-хи,- захихикал доктор.
- Ну вот! Так я и знал. Тогда я вам опухшее не покажу!

Government creates the crises so it can "rescue" you with the loss of freedom.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
taxation is theft,
and inflation is too.

Never ask Sean Connery to teach your dog to sit.

Mafia: the same thing as the government, without all the pretense.

Let's stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

Things to make your day better:

1) Do not watch the news.

Government can't profit from self-sufficient people.

CLIMITARD /'klimit'tard/ NOUN: A PERSON THAT BELIEVES THE CLIMATE CAN BE CHANGED BY PAYING A TAX TO THE GOVERNMENT.

"Всё что говорят обо мне за моей спиной, слушает только моя жопа"
Ф.Раневская

The lack of teenage pregnancies at Hogwarts is unrealistic considering that the students had no Sex Ed classes.

Ways to my heart
1. Buy me food
2. Make me food
3. Be food ( preferably covered in bacon)

As they say in France, "Allahu Akbar".

When the government says you don't need a gun buy two.

What kind of pizza did the World Trade Center order?

2 Plains.

Fall in love with your problems, maybe they will leave you too.

The President should have so little power it doesn’t matter who is in the Oval Office.

Transgenderism is a Marxsist's depopulation cult.

AI doesn’t replace programmers.

It simply makes English a programming language.

Self-image is the prison. Other people are the guards.

"Good investors don’t sell investment advice."

Remember, it's illegal to expose the illegal things the government does.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra.

Now I sleep hard.

People with “Trust No one” tattoos are liars.
They have already trusted the tattoo artist.

The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.

How does Ace Ventura respond to people who don't like coffee?

All right, tea then!

If you think you look ugly in glasses, it may just be because you can see your face better with them.

Less thinky, more drinky!

TikTok is banned in India but most of Indian movies are just really long TikTok videos.

I have a problem with my genitals.

One of my balls hangs lower than the other two.

Porn sites are the only places where it’s acceptable to separate people by their age, sexuality, race and country.

We eat chickens before they are born and after they are dead.

I stand behind Alec Baldwin

(standing in front of him sounds terrifying)

Liberty is the way.

End big government before it ends you.

Porn is just videos of people at their work.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different."

Sir John Templeton

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Mark Twain

Son: Happy Father's Day!

Dad: “And a happy Sunday to you!”

I've just become a professor of palindromes.

You may now call me Dr. Awkward

Sunlight isn't toxic. Sunscreen is.

Life is a single player game.

Alligators can live up to 70 years, which is why you're more likely to see them later.

Your penis is just like your signature

You should be very careful where you put it

9/11 gets only a day for mourning while gay people get a “pride” month because homosexuality is a bigger tragedy.

Climate change is a scam to tax everything you do and keep you poor forever.

The death of dogma is the birth of reason.
-- Kant

How do you make 7 even?

You take away the s.

How come the moon skipped dinner?
Because it was full.

I date short women so when we break up I can keep my pictures.

Keep calm and kill people in your mind.

If the other planet’s moons have its own name, what is the name of our moon?

When someone says they did something "like a boss," I assume they didn't do anything and just took credit for someone else's work.

Bras are measured in cups because they have milk in them.
True story bro.

Sugar is just a gay salt.

- Where does a Machine Learning engineer go camping?
- In a Random Forest!

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

If Coca Cola formula is a secret, what do they write on “ingredients”? If some ingredients are missing from the label, why do the regulators allow them to do that?

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

"To build a career, turn your ability into credibility."

Telling a depressed person to be happy is like asking a blind person to wear glasses.

Life tip:The best time to search for a job is when you already have one.

Your childhood ends the day you realise that sleep is a reward and not a punishment.

Shakespeare: to be or not to be.

Schrödinger: you got it.

Life tip: It's not a discount if you otherwise wouldn't have bought it.

World's simplest diet: the more processed the food, the less one should consume.