Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?
Stop school shootings.

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.
In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

What's similar between The Mafia and a Pussy..?
...I haven't been in either.

Why are Mafia members so good at sex?
Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

What do you call a mafia boss' key?
A don-key.

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?
Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

Why doesn't the mafia like elephants?
Bodies don't fit in the trunk.

What activity does the owl mafia participate in?
Drive by hootings.

Q: How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?
A: With a Czech mark.

If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi it would be a flash mob.

Most countries have mafia.
In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...
He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Did you hear about the mafia Don with memory problems?
He kept making people offers he couldn't remember.

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?
It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.
You ask why.
Because they don't say a word when questioned.

Whats the difference between the mafia and an acting troupe?
When the Mafia says break a leg, they mean someone elses.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.
One of them is organised.

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss.
He always catches the snitch.

The French mafia threw me in a truck full of bread. I thought it would soften the drop,
but all I feel is pain.

What do you get when you cross an economist with a Mafia godfather?
An offer you can’t understand.

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...
Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes.

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.
No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

I wanted to join the Yakuza, but I got it mixed it up with “Jacuzzi”.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

What does the mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.

At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn’t just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.

The Italian responds, “How could I? Those rascals had tied up my hands!”

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

What does the pussy and mafia have in common?
it's a lot more fun if you're on the inside .

I made a list of things I need to do, but then I lost it. Maybe that is why I feel so listless.

- Хочешь, я убью соседа?
- А можно лучше за окошком Альпы?
- Нет.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism?
It's the order of events,

In Capitalism the dad goes missing and then kids report,
while in Communism kids report then dad goes missing.

If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism
... then I probably wouldn't be complaining about capitalism.

Capitalism, Communism, and Socialism have a meeting for afternoon tea.
Communism collapses on the way there and dies from malnutrition. Socialism is so late from collecting welfare to buy the tea that he decides to go home. However, Capitalism - seeing that neither of the two showed up - buys his own tea, finishes his lunch break, and goes back to work.

Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3
- Breakfast
- Lunch
- Dinner

What do you call it when a white person robs you?
Capitalism.

I bought a book on capitalism...
but then returned it because some of the letters were in lower-case.

What's the difference between Communism and Capitalism?
In Communism the government owns and runs and collects everything.
In Capitalism you own and run things and the government collects it for you.

How do you get rid of capitalism?
Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

Capitalism is dancing at the edge of the abyss.
Socialism, of course, is one step ahead of them.

I hate capitalism, so i always type my messages in lowercase. i also hate racism, and refuse to run 100 metres.

If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism
... then I probably wouldn’t be complaining about capitalism.

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.

What do my girlfriend and ethical capitalism have in common?
They don't exist.

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."
The whole bar died laughing.

I was going to post a joke about Capitalism...
... but 99% of you can't afford to get it.

After the tree was cut down, it didn’t know what to do. It was stumped.

Success requires no explanations.
Failure permits no alibis.

How do you know if someone is a socialist?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.

What do you call a socialist who's into fashion?
Commie Hilfiger.

Did you hear the one about having lunch in a socialist state?
Sorry, you wouldn't get it.

What do you call a funny person who is a socialist?
A commie-dian.

Why did the socialist drop out of school?
He was really struggling with the classes.
Getting really low Marx.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.
Guess I should have...
Paid attention to the red flags.

Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized?
Because they love to see the class struggle.

I scored extremely well on my socialist exam last week.
I got top Marx.

What did the socialist say to the fisherman?
Sea's the means of production.

What did socialists use before candles?
... Electricity

How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!

Two nudist socialists are sitting on a porch.
The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?"
The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.
"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.
"No, we're mostly left."

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?
In a communest.

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but when it inevitably fails, they will be sure to inform us it wasn't a real light bulb.

Why did the socialist drop out of high school math?
Because there were too many damn inequalities.

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.
He just looked at me and said Mao.

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...
... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets.

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "
Don't you mean social drinker?"
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist.
Parent: You can’t do both.

What did the plumber say to his wife?
It’s over. Flo.

What happened when Gorbachev had a hangover and became sick?
He was thoroughly hammered and sickled.

How do the Irish cure a hangover?
With a funeral.

I'm a recovering alcoholic...
Recovering from a hangover.

The only downside to Cinco de Mayo...
...is Seis de Hangover

What did Lincoln say when he woke up with a hangover?
I freed the WHO!?

What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.

A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.
He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you shit in his tuba."

Want to avoid hangovers?
Keep drinking forever. your liver and wallet will adjust.

What's the best way to avoid a hangover?
Stay Drunk!

What do you call a wine induced hangover?
A grape depression.