Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

— Ты пиво пьешь?
— Нет!
— А что ты с ним делаешь?

I've given up trying to convince people that I'm not a quitter…

I AM IMMORTAL!

and will be till the day I die.

Kinda sexy how you put the cuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: the fuck is wrong with you.

Many people from the UK have pale skin. They're like bleached Wales.

Did you hear that McDonald’s is coming out with a McJackson burger? It’s a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.

Люди маленького роста позднее других узнают, что начался дождь.

Buy a 3D printer.
Print the 3D printer.
Return the 3D printer.

I was watching court TV today. A man was being charged with stealing luggage. The whole trial took 3 minutes......

It was a briefcase.........

— Фима, вот напишу на нашей кровати, шо ты дурак, и пусть вся Одесса знает!

— Фима, вот напишу на нашей кровати, шо ты дурак, и пусть вся Одесса знает!

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

I made some delicious soup with my grandma today.

I know traditionally you're supposed to scatter their ashes, but still...

Do proctologists get paid an anal salary?

I hear that prunes are trying to take over the market, but the grapes are raisin hell about it.

I'm not saying procrastination is in my blood, but my ancestors came to this country on the Juneflower...

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worse case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

My husband is so bad at eating pussy - it’s oral punishment.

My wife can sigh the entire alphabet.

Worry works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen.

I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.

I just found out that cock fighting was done with roosters. There goes 6 months training down the drain.

I'm running in a Scandinavian race next week. Really short one. It starts at the Finnish line.

—¿Bebes para olvidar?
—¡Coño!, ¿que estabas ahí?

—Tiene usted déficit de atención.
—¿Eh?

Telling my neighbor about my new telescope –
I can see Uranus
Her: you can see planets?
Me: planets?

What's worse than 2 girls running with scissors?

2 girls scissoring with the runs.

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
Mark Twain.

Most of my bad decisions are made late at night. Also in the morning and afternoon.

Мужчина от женщины отличается тем, что перед совершением ошибки он всё тщательно продумывает.

I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society...
I kept spilling the beans.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

What do you call 10 lesbians on top of each other?
A block of flaps!

Quasimodo had no information, but the detective took him to a crime scene anyway. Seems he had a hunch.

At the restaurant they sat me facing a mirror. As I watched myself eat I slowly realized why I never have second dates.

"Is it true you have a pair of goosefeather pants?"
"No, but occasionally my fly is down."

Me: I just cannot get the hang of this common core math.
IRS: sir this is tax fraud.

Sir, the last time I saw a dick that small I was changing a diaper.

Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

- Cariño, dime algo bonito.
- Cerveza.

–¿Has probado a pedir dinero en la puerta de la catedral de París?
–Sí, pero Notre Dan nada.

To people who will come to my funeral, Sorry for not being able to offer you a drink.

You can't blame gravity for falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

I have the heart of a saint. Also a lifetime ban from the Vatican.

—¿Qué tal tu nuevo trabajo como profesor de matemáticas?
—Todo problemas.

I never said you were fat, I simply said I’ve never heard a wicker chair scream like that.

My wife got upset when I told her to do laundry with lavender scented detergent her reaction proves that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect.

My dad wants me to change careers and become a sound technician. But I don’t one two.

Sometimes my age is really inappropriate for my behavior!

I like my men like I like my burgers, hard to fit in my mouth.

Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasnt happy about it.

Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed... and clean the whole house while she sleeps.

My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.

Happiness comes from within.

That's why it always feels so good to fart.

The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving.

The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

"Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care!"

How I lost my job at a prosthetics factory.

- Мама, а ты вышла замуж по залёту или по любви?
- Замуж я вышла по залёту, а залетела по любви.

Девушка, давшая обещание не есть после шести, выпила котлету.

I have the heart of a saint. Also a lifetime ban from the Vatican.

It seems strange that Armed Forces Day is the third Saturday in May when it ought to be March fourth.

His grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.

You can only buy used mirrors.

— В этой жизни я всего достиг сам.
— Но ты же ничего не добился.
— Зато сам.

Богатые мужчины старыми не бывают (женская народная мудрость).

Spend your free time to build things that will help you have more free time.

Goodness honey, it's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.

Sex before marriage is a sin so always do it doggy style because all dogs go to heaven.
*Follow me for more loopholes on getting into Heaven.

Apparently more and more people over 65 are smoking weed these days. Seniors don’t complain about stiff joints any more.

Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn't ask me to help with stuff.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant.
Me: no sweat.

Goonies never say die!

Germans, however, say it all the time. It's a very common word there.

If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it.
It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting.
I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

Flight Attendant: “Would you like some headphones?”

Me: “How did you know my name is Phones?”

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

- Алло, реанимация? Таки приезжайте быстрее, Фима умирает...
- Кем он вам приходится?
- Он мой должник.

Doctor: you need a transplant.

Me: I didn’t know plants identified that way.

Doctor: you know what? You can just die.

I used to say I had a 9 inch penis but that was really stretching it.

I used to be a good egg, but I cracked.