Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn't ask me to help with stuff.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant.
Me: no sweat.

Goonies never say die!

Germans, however, say it all the time. It's a very common word there.

If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it.
It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting.
I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

Flight Attendant: “Would you like some headphones?”

Me: “How did you know my name is Phones?”

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

- Алло, реанимация? Таки приезжайте быстрее, Фима умирает...
- Кем он вам приходится?
- Он мой должник.

Doctor: you need a transplant.

Me: I didn’t know plants identified that way.

Doctor: you know what? You can just die.

I used to say I had a 9 inch penis but that was really stretching it.

I used to be a good egg, but I cracked.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Q: Do you know how I can make my penis 9” long?
A: Fold it in half

Why do people come back from a baby changing station with the same baby?

I was in a car showroom today and the salesman said: "What are you looking for"? I said: "Because I can't afford to buy".

My dream date is rolling around in the bubble wrap together after opening my Amazon delivery.

Got home from work today to find my kids had been on eBay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow, I will lower the price.

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

Высоко в горах турист повстречал пастуха, пасущего овец, и чтобы завязать тривиальную беседу говорит ему: - Скажите, приятель, тебе тяжело с овцами? - Какими - белыми или черными? - Ну скажем черными. - Да, да, задают работу. - А белые? - Тоже. Мужик, удивленный, спрашивает снова: - Скажите, приятель, много ли едят эти овцы? - Какие - белые или черные? - Ну скажем белые. - Да, да, едят достаточно. - А черные? - Тоже. - И много молока дают овцы? - Какие - белые или черные? - Ну скажем черные. - Да, да, дают достаточно. - А белые? - Тоже. Мужик, раздраженный, говорит: - Почему вы всегда у меня спрашиваете белые или черные? - Потому что черные - мои. - А белые? - Тоже.

My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

Declare var
Not
WAR

When your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance" just go ahead and start puttin' your shoes on... She means now.
*Follow me for more marriage tips.

Two types of honest people in this world are small children and drunk people.

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

Эвакуаторщик пришёл в детский сад за сыном. А его уже забрали.

- Наши противники считают нашу разведку сильнейшей в мире!
- Откуда вы об этом узнали?
- От наших разведчиков.

Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

When I ask for directions, please don't use east west, I'll just get more lost.

If I look like I have my shit together that’s good you bought that.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

The only thing worse than no coffee is bad coffee.

90% of marriage is moving a new piece of furniture around the house all day until you find the perfect spot for it which is back at the store.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a backwards politician.

Most act like heroes to get elected and become comedians while in office.

Coffee because murder is exhausting.

Don't let anyone with drawn on eyebrows give you advice about life.

I keep birthday candles in my purse in case I ever want a free dessert.

me: what do you do?

woman: i give fortunes

me: i love getting a lot of money.

woman: no I’m a fortune teller

me: i love withdrawing a lot of money.

Jesus was a Carpenter, but he never actually sang on any of their albums...

Trouble is just fun you got caught having.

My mate said to me “I bet you can’t make a pun about a flower?”

But I rose to the challenge…

Женщины мало пьют потому, что мужики и так красивые.

Some people don't realize they're bad drivers because they can't see the signs.

I don't often joke about chemical elements .. but I may do periodically.

Ive never seen the inside of my ears...
But I’ve heard good things.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually on my knees with a little sobbing.

—Bienvenido a la comisaría, agente, ¿es de narcóticos?
—Soy más de whisky, pero qué coño, un día es un día.
—¿Qué?
—¿EH?

I received a letter from the past, I returned it to sender.

Women are like history, no matter how many times they repeat themselves men don’t learn.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take."

• Lewis Carroll

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
~Mark Twain

Ive just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book!
Not only is it embarrassing, its cost me a fortune in stamps!

Ive just invented a new Golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Note to self: Do NOT put them in back pocket.

The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

I have a pet tree...
It's like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

I can't tell if the vegetarians next door are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Common sense is not so common.

I had to give up tap dancing.
I kept falling off the sink.

Me: I’ve found my dream home! How much?
Him: Ma’am, this is a public library.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

When you drive you put your life in your foot's hands.

Для меня навести беспорядок в вещах - это в порядке вещей.

Some people face change. Some people change face.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk.
But then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.

The Earth *was* flat until the invention of money, which made the world go round.

"The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life."

- Confucius

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it

In school we learn the lesson before we take the test. In life we take the test before we learn the lesson.

When someone rings the doorbell why do dogs always assume its for them?

—Tienes muy mala pinta.
—Fuera de mi bar.

Your secrets are safe with me. Mostly because my memory is shit and I hate everyone.

A good nap helps to break the day up into manageable portions.

Orphans are bad at poker because they've never had a full house.

A Mexican Beatles cover band's drummer would be called Gringo Starr.

How did the pharaohs become so wealthy? They were running huge pyramid schemes.

Софа Львовна была уже не персик, но ещё таки не курага.

There is a new laxative out for men. Its called "WOMEN". It won't soften your stool, but it will aggravate the shit out of you.

When life gives you lemons, tweet about it.

Я отключился от интернета: там столько грязных фильмов для взрослых, что просто некогда выйти из дому.
(с) Джек Николсон

FUN Fact:
Horses 'wink' with their vaginas when they are horny.