Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Want to get noticed?

Go jogging without moving your arms.

Don't be afraid of growing old. A lot of people never make it that far.

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

What does an accountant sleep under?

A balance sheet.

What size boobs do mermaids have?... a size "sea".

Опыт — это утраченные иллюзии, а не приобретённая мудрость.

Электросварщик Иванов в большой обиде на своих родителей: это ж надо было дать такое имя - Электросварщик!

The Carpenters came to the house today when I was at work……when I got home I asked if they were done, they said we’ve only just begun.

What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got fat.

Three Conspiracy Theorists Walk Into a Bar.

Don’t tell me that’s not a coincidence.

WHATS THE LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE A PUBIC HAIR HITS THE GROUND?
PFFFFFFFFFFTH!

It's been so long since I've had sex, I forget who's supposed to get tied up.

— Сколько вам нужно времени?
— Сделаю за час в течение недели.

- Давай не будем считать, что ты тупой. Просто будем от этого отталкиваться...

-He puesto mi Dacia a 120 por hora en la autovía y temblaba.
-El coche?
-También.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley

- Сарочка, у вашего мужа новый костюм?
- Нет, это мой новый муж.

"So how much do they ask for rent in a place like this?"

"About twice a week."

"I'll give you 3 days to pay your rent!"

"OK. I'll pick the 4th of July, Christmas, and Easter."

I have friends that could finish my sentences, but if they did that, we wouldn't be friends.

Spend long enough in a room full of shit and it won’t take long for you to ignore the smell.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Mercury Grand Marquis so I know a thing or two about luxury.

- Вы шелкопряд?
- Да.
- Местный?
- Ага. Тутовый.

When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they've caught the right one? - George Carlin

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

-Amor, ¿De aquí a dónde me quieres?
-¿Ves todas esas nubes?
-Sí.
-Pues vámonos, porque va a llover bien cabrón y no ahora no estés chingando.

FUN Fact:
Female ferrets can die if they don't have enough sex.

Reminder: The successful people you look up to once did the things you refuse to do.

No matter how hard you try to beat the clock, you always have to buy a new one the next day.

What did the little boy with no hands get for his birthday?
... IDK, he hasn't opened it yet!

- What's up cake?
- Muffin much.

I knew a famous geologist who was a rock star.

I saw a preview for a movie about a huge mobile home. I don’t know if the movie’s any good, but the trailer is impressive.

Her: my eyes are up here

Me, an introvert: can I just keep staring at my feet?

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Me: Not before I've had my coffee.

Them: But you don't drink coffee.

Me: Exactly.

-¿Cómo puedes venir a la cita y no traerme un ramo de flores?
-Bueno, llevo calzoncillos floreados.

I didn't mean to gain weight.
It happened by snaccident.

What makes Teflon stick to the pan?

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Cat Stevens was dropped by his record label several times but always landed on his feet.

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

The woman complained her husband doesn't spoon her anymore . He just forks her.

My parents didn’t earn much money when I was growing up, so we had to live in a teapot.
I know what you’re thinking, pour me.

In which Indian city do people always leave their mother?
Mumbai.

Does anyone actually know where the middle of nowhere is?

Why are rabbits silent when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls!

"I can't even" is an odd thing to say.

What do you call a Mushroom with a long stalk?

A Fungi to be with.

You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.

How do you know if an introvert is waving at you?

He’s not.

If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.

When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

“When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.”
- Abraham Lincoln

Wife's not spoken to me since she caught me using her toothbrush. So if anybody knows of another method of getting dogs shit off my shoe please advise.

Explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my Arse , - My wife screamed. You explain to me -
I yelled back - Why you didn't wake up when I put it there.

Did you hear about the clumsy astronomer who banged his head on a telescope? Ironically, he saw stars.

У тебя всего одно детство, и оно может длиться всю жизнь.

—¿Es aquí el club de los enteradillos?
—Sí.
—Ya lo sabía.

I always name my problems "people" because that's what causes them.

Before I go to the archaeological dig site, I start my day with a small loaf of bread. I like that old-time rock…
& roll.

If you can count, count on yourself.

I used to work for Jim Henson but had to quit... I was surrounded by muppets...

Does wearing clothes make me materialistic?

I’m not a morning person unless you want morning sex.

I already know I'm going to hell... at this point, it's just a case of go big or go home!

Of course passenger side car seat heaters are necessary all year round.

How else do people keep their tacos warm ?

What color Does a Smurf turn If you Choke it ?

Загадочная женщина загадит жизнь любому мужику.
А если нет, то придет догадливая и догадит.

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

Were there any great men born in this town?
No only little babies.

Before I was married my girlfriend told me, " Don't even talk to me about sex before we are married." After I married her, she said " Okay, You now can talk about it. All you want. You're not getting any! :"

Subway worker: you want a six inch?
Me: it’s 4 1/2 isn’t it ?

My buddy Steve tied a level to the top of his head. Now he’s Even Steven.

I texted my ex the other day to tell her I still think about her during sex because it keeps me from climaxing!

My daughter used to date a teeter totter salesman. I don't know what seesaw in him.

Just got back from the Antique Shop.
Nothing new there.

You should never attempt Pottery when you're tired.
Last time I tried I almost fell asleep at the wheel.