Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What does a cannibal see in a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise.

Dad: "I'm not asleep, I'm resting my eyes.
Me: "Hi resting my eyes... I'm son"

Он был настолько лузером, что от отчаяния даже стал вести курсы "Как максимально быстро добиться успеха".

What did O say to Q?

Dude your junks hanging out.

You know what happens when a Smurf pees on your lawn????

You end up with BLUEGRASS!

My wife was so fat when she died that the handles snapped off her coffin.

We had four weldings and a funeral.

I WAS ENGAGED TO A GIRL WITH A WOODEN LEG.

.
I GOT MAD AND BROKE IT OFF.

Drinking beer every day is healthier for you than being dead.

FUN Fact:
Go. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

Q: How do clocks communicate?
A: They tock to each other.

q: why did the U.S. Bobsled team name there sled Biden?

a: because nothing has taken America downhill faster!

What's the difference between a dirty hockey player and a dirty hippie??

The hockey player will shower after 3 periods!

—Cariño, estoy embarazada.
—Vaya, la excepción que confirma la regla.

La vida sin sentido del humor ni es vida ni tiene sentido.

Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he's adopted.

My coworkers are getting nervous about how many times I refer to my right hand as my boyfriend.

Never try to unscrew another persons lightbulb in order to shine.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she's a keeper.

It's no coincidence all movies about camping are horror.

— То, что ты, сынок, считаешь бурной молодостью, врачи называют алкогольной зависимостью.

Me: You’d be proud, I made a to-do list and a grocery list.
Wife: This just says beer.

My wife said she wanted me to give her a ring for Valentines, I said okay, mobile or landline?

I hate strip clubs. I had a bad experience in one once.

Got taken to one for my birthday this one time. As the strippers did their thing, I quickly ran completely out of bills. Thought I saw a place to swipe my credit card though ...

You wouldn't believe the commotion when I tried it.

Last night, my wife made an Indian dish…but I think she was just trying to curry favor.

If you dont like Harry Potter puns there must be something Ron with you!

I like them, but Im Weasley pleased.

Her: Where are my leftovers?
Me: I’m in the living room, and please stop calling me that.

If you get an email with the subject
Knock Knock.
Don't open it.
It's Jehovahs witnesses working from home.

Мастерство - это реализованный талант.

Her: is this vegan chicken?
Me: idk, I didn't ask him.

Isn't it ironic that procrastination is something you can do immediately?

Оружие должно храниться в чехлах. Поэтому женщины носят лифчики.

Отзовись, прекрасная незнакомка! Я лысый, толстый, глупый. Но если меня кто-нибудь полюбит, начну делать зарядку и читать книги.

- Фима, ты спал с моей женой! Ты мне за это заплатишь!
- Додик, скажу тебе как другу. Два раза я платить не собираюсь!

-¿A tu perro le gustan los niños?
-Si, pero yo le compro su comida.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed..
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence..

Два пожилых еврея крадутся в темноте через границу в сторону Румынии. Вдруг в тишине - окрик пограничника:
- Стой!!! Кто идёт?!!
- Таки никто уже никуда не идёт...

boss: are you busy?

me: oh yes

boss: what are you working on?

me: professional development

boss: you're watching documentaries on youtube again aren't you?

- La unidad hace la fuerza.
- ¿Me dejas cagar tranquila?

You don't need to be loved, you need to love yourself.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
- Mark Twain

I hate talking to people who, ‘Spray it, when they say it.’
They irrigate me.

"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

• Carl Jung.

- Папа, это Наташа, она будет жить с нами.
- Долго?
- Часика два...

Египет.
- Закурить есть?
- Есть. Садись.
- Зачем?
- Ты, стоя, что ли, кальян собрался курить?

Dr Dre is the most believable doctor we’ve seen on national TV in two years.

Maybe Jesus only had 12 followers because he never retweeted anyone.

—Cariño, no me has regalado nada el día de los enamorados.
—Te he hecho un retuit.

Me: pick a card, any card...

My wife: that's not how valentine's works.

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.

They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

Those who can laugh at troubles must be having a hilarious time nowadays.

- Tienes pinta de hobbit.
- Are you Tolkien to me?

I'd just like to wish a happy Valentine's Day to my left hand. You've always been there for me through the hard times.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card.

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order.

I've been offered some work with a dried fruit company.
Just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates!

If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it? In Google Docs.

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table I felt my knees go weak my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.
That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

Id come in fourth so I wouldnt have to walk up to the podium.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

In my defense, when I said fuck you, I meant it in the most diplomatic, nicest way it could possibly be said.

Приходит Сара домой, видит Изя аккуратно отдирает обои. Сара радостно восклицает:
- Изя, ты наконец-то решил сделать ремонт?
- Нет, Сара, я переезжаю!

— Батюшка, а окропите нам квартиру святой водой, чтобы всё грешное ушло.
— А сами-то где жить будете?

It’s not gay if it happens in a bouncy castle.

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
- Eric Hoffer

- Eres el tio mas tonto que conozco.
- Si te presento a mi cuñao, eso va a cambiar.

Save business cards of people you don't like.
If you ever hit a parked car, write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

I'm just about to take a Facebook questionnaire to help me decide what my favourite Natalie Imbruglia song is.
At the moment i'm Torn.

When she starts a conversation with “if it wasn’t for me…” get ready for some serious narcissistic shit.

—Hola, soy tus ganas de vivir.
—¿Estás llorando?

Them: explain it to me like I’m a child.

Me: I can’t because I don’t have TikTok.

Marriage is cool if you like sitting and enjoying music and relaxing and then having someone come along and fucking ruin it.

“What’s your favorite category on pornhub?”-Me, flirting

Is sex with me the best in the world? No. Will you be embarrassed about it tomorrow? Probably. Will you get a handwritten thank you note the next day? Most definitely.

There's a good chance you don't like me. However, there's even a better chance that I don't give a fuck.

I just bought some vintage vinyl of wasp sounds, but listening to it it didn't sound anything like wasps...

That's when I looked and realized I was playing the Bee side...

Prince Charles wanted to name his first son Upton.

Apparently he thought it would be cool to sign their Christmas cards "Up, Chuck, and Di"

—Te he abierto mi corazón.
—¿Y algo para beber no tienes?

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele.

— A mi mujer le encanta ver el curling.
— ¿Y eso?
— Porque es el único sitio donde ve barrer a un hombre.

— Soy el genio de la lámpara. ¿Cuál es tu primer deseo?
— ¿Puedes ayudarme a encontrar todos los calcetines que pierdo en la lavadora.
— Lo siento, eso está fuera de mis habilidades.