Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The duty of a leader is to serve their people, not for the people to serve them.
- Elon Musk.

- Вам отрежут голову!

- Кто? Враги, интервенты?

- Нет, Герой России, академик!

A good man is hard to find, which is why I always dress as Gandhi to play hide-and-seek.

There is an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It is called camera.

—Es aquí el curso para aprender a usar el navegador?
—No.
—Vaya…

- такая ты настоящая, искренняя, смелая, делаешь, что хочешь, говоришь всем то, что думаешь!
- я подбухнула.

Everyone makes mistakes. Like your parents for example

- Водка есть?
- Ты что не русский? Водка - это пить.

There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it's their turn.

- Дорогой, что тебе больше всего нравится в наших отношениях?
- Да то, что недорого...

- Почему у нас с утра нет ни одного клиента?
- Не знаю. Может вывеску сменить?
- А какая у нас сейчас?
- Закрыто.

Can't touch this.
Can't touch this.
Can't touch this.

- MC Hammer, guiding a museum tour

[Sex Shop]

Me: *holding 37 dildos*

Shopkeeper: may I help you?

Me: where are the fitting rooms?

Most people don't know this but the Australian figure skaters spin in the opposite direction.

NEVER trust anyone who doesn’t buy pizza and beer after helping them move.

Whatever you're going through, just keep going. Don't stop to talk to me.

В России все места под Солнцем заняты друзьями и однокурсниками Солнца.

A veces me doy la razón por no escucharme.

—He ido al homeópata para lo de la memoria.
—¿Y qué tal?
—¿Que tal qué?

FUN Fact:
The doctor who discovered that hand washing prevented the spread of disease was thrown in a mental institution for his crazy ideas.

There are so many scams on the Internet now...Send me $9.99 and I'll tell you how to avoid them!

FUN Fact:
In 2006, an Australian man attempted to sell New Zealand on eBay. The bidding reached $3,000 before eBay shut it down.

- Чем занимаешься?
- Общественно - важным делом.
- Каким?
- Лежу и никому не мешаю.

One of my ancestors was a champion cheese shredder.

I think it was my, grate, grate, grate Grandfather.

Ladies.
When it comes to Doggy-Style, I'm behind you 100%.

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to -watch a movie- is actually watching a movie.

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven Cs.

—¿Estás tomando las pastillas para la paciencia?

—Que sí, joder.

- Omnipresente le digo, mi padre está en todas partes.
- ¡Por última vez! ¡Leproso! ¡Tu padre es LE-PRO-SO!

- Martínez, preséntese en dos semanas.
- Pero si me voy a seguir llamando igual.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
– W. P. Kinsella

What is the favourite magazine among priests?
Prayboy.

When I’m in a hurry, I count Maines instead of Mississippis.

Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

But that’s not nececelery true.

Она думала, что он - хранитель семейного очага, а этот "хранитель", как выяснилось, своей кочергой ещё два костра ворошил.

Not saying my wife’s lazy but we haven’t had a clean plate in the house since the dog died.

The world is divided up into two groups of people. Those who think the world is divided up into two groups of people and those who do not.

Her name was Virginia. Virgin for short, but not for long.

The US is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day!

[Detective shows me a picture of a suspect]
-“Have you seen this man? Goes by the name of ‘Stephen’ with a ‘ph’.”
-“Why?”
-“That’s how his parents spelt it.”

Two old ladies are sitting in the laundrette waiting for their wash to finish.
One of them says '' That washing machine is laughing at me''
''No it's not'' replies the other
'' It's just taking the piss out of your knickers''

"NEWS FLASH"....Cell phones no longer work in Afghanistan because of the telliban.....

— Какова цель вашего визита в Голландию?
— Покурить травы и поебаца.
— Так и запишем: осмотр достопримечательностей.

I’ve learned 99% of the English language. I’m almost their.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Me wife just asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today...She wasn't fucking happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Why do women skydivers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down....

I’ve just deleted all the German names from my phone. Now it’s completely Hans-free.

- Папа, а почему снег под ногами хрустит?
- Это у снежинок ломаются позвоночники.

The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry!

Юнец: ты кончила?
Мужик: ты конченая?
Дед: тут конечная?

Two incomes are better than one so make sure he has two jobs. Follow me for more financial freedom advice.

A bit of advice please.
Is 'motherfucker' one word, or two?

It's for a Valentine's card, so I want it to be right.

My wife’s a raver and keeps trying to get me into it. She won’t techno for an answer.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."

- Mark Twain

— ¿Hace frío en tu pueblo?
— Nos quitamos los mocos con alicates.

I am very upset my scale broke . We have been together through thick and thin.

I’ve just started working as a professional dog walker and it’s so easy.

It’s a walk in the park.

Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”

- Mineko Iwasaki

I love women's forums, because no one cares about corruption, the dollar, terrorism ... Nothing cares there if it does not cause cracks on nipples.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled."

• Plutarch

FUN Fact:
When you see a cat, slowly blink at it. If it blinks back, the cat is content with you.

I’ve just injected steroids into my arm. Anabolic? No, just my arm.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself of the reasons why you don’t go out of the house.

Why do meditation masters enjoy playing tennis?
Because the scores always start with love, love. The game always begins with a service. And the winner gets a cup that’s empty.

Q: Why did the meditation teacher give no change when a student paid for a meditation cushion?
A: Because change has to come from within.

A Meditation student asked his teacher, "Am I allowed to send you email?"
"Yes," replied the teacher, "But no attachments please."

A Meditation student asks their teacher how long it will take them to gain enlightenment if they practice diligently.
"Ten years," says the teacher.
"Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?"
"Twenty years."

Q: Why do mindful meditators love birthdays?

A: They love all the ‘Presents’.

Non-meditator: ‘Don’t just sit there, do something!

Meditator: ‘Don’t just do something, sit there!

Q: What do they say to start the meditation Olympics?

A: Ready…..Steady……Stop!

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

-¿La frutería?
-A 2 manzanas.

Chuck Norris fixed stupid...twice.

If you want flowers on February 14th just die On February 13th.

- Фима, у вас шесть яблок, половину вы отдали Зяме, сколько яблок у вас осталось?
- Пять с половиной, Софья Марковна!

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.