Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it? In Google Docs.

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table I felt my knees go weak my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.
That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

Id come in fourth so I wouldnt have to walk up to the podium.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

In my defense, when I said fuck you, I meant it in the most diplomatic, nicest way it could possibly be said.

Приходит Сара домой, видит Изя аккуратно отдирает обои. Сара радостно восклицает:
- Изя, ты наконец-то решил сделать ремонт?
- Нет, Сара, я переезжаю!

— Батюшка, а окропите нам квартиру святой водой, чтобы всё грешное ушло.
— А сами-то где жить будете?

It’s not gay if it happens in a bouncy castle.

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
- Eric Hoffer

- Eres el tio mas tonto que conozco.
- Si te presento a mi cuñao, eso va a cambiar.

Save business cards of people you don't like.
If you ever hit a parked car, write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

I'm just about to take a Facebook questionnaire to help me decide what my favourite Natalie Imbruglia song is.
At the moment i'm Torn.

When she starts a conversation with “if it wasn’t for me…” get ready for some serious narcissistic shit.

—Hola, soy tus ganas de vivir.
—¿Estás llorando?

Them: explain it to me like I’m a child.

Me: I can’t because I don’t have TikTok.

Marriage is cool if you like sitting and enjoying music and relaxing and then having someone come along and fucking ruin it.

“What’s your favorite category on pornhub?”-Me, flirting

Is sex with me the best in the world? No. Will you be embarrassed about it tomorrow? Probably. Will you get a handwritten thank you note the next day? Most definitely.

There's a good chance you don't like me. However, there's even a better chance that I don't give a fuck.

I just bought some vintage vinyl of wasp sounds, but listening to it it didn't sound anything like wasps...

That's when I looked and realized I was playing the Bee side...

Prince Charles wanted to name his first son Upton.

Apparently he thought it would be cool to sign their Christmas cards "Up, Chuck, and Di"

—Te he abierto mi corazón.
—¿Y algo para beber no tienes?

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele.

— A mi mujer le encanta ver el curling.
— ¿Y eso?
— Porque es el único sitio donde ve barrer a un hombre.

— Soy el genio de la lámpara. ¿Cuál es tu primer deseo?
— ¿Puedes ayudarme a encontrar todos los calcetines que pierdo en la lavadora.
— Lo siento, eso está fuera de mis habilidades.

The duty of a leader is to serve their people, not for the people to serve them.
- Elon Musk.

- Вам отрежут голову!

- Кто? Враги, интервенты?

- Нет, Герой России, академик!

A good man is hard to find, which is why I always dress as Gandhi to play hide-and-seek.

There is an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It is called camera.

—Es aquí el curso para aprender a usar el navegador?
—No.
—Vaya…

- такая ты настоящая, искренняя, смелая, делаешь, что хочешь, говоришь всем то, что думаешь!
- я подбухнула.

Everyone makes mistakes. Like your parents for example

- Водка есть?
- Ты что не русский? Водка - это пить.

There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it's their turn.

- Дорогой, что тебе больше всего нравится в наших отношениях?
- Да то, что недорого...

- Почему у нас с утра нет ни одного клиента?
- Не знаю. Может вывеску сменить?
- А какая у нас сейчас?
- Закрыто.

Can't touch this.
Can't touch this.
Can't touch this.

- MC Hammer, guiding a museum tour

[Sex Shop]

Me: *holding 37 dildos*

Shopkeeper: may I help you?

Me: where are the fitting rooms?

Most people don't know this but the Australian figure skaters spin in the opposite direction.

NEVER trust anyone who doesn’t buy pizza and beer after helping them move.

Whatever you're going through, just keep going. Don't stop to talk to me.

В России все места под Солнцем заняты друзьями и однокурсниками Солнца.

A veces me doy la razón por no escucharme.

—He ido al homeópata para lo de la memoria.
—¿Y qué tal?
—¿Que tal qué?

FUN Fact:
The doctor who discovered that hand washing prevented the spread of disease was thrown in a mental institution for his crazy ideas.

There are so many scams on the Internet now...Send me $9.99 and I'll tell you how to avoid them!

FUN Fact:
In 2006, an Australian man attempted to sell New Zealand on eBay. The bidding reached $3,000 before eBay shut it down.

- Чем занимаешься?
- Общественно - важным делом.
- Каким?
- Лежу и никому не мешаю.

One of my ancestors was a champion cheese shredder.

I think it was my, grate, grate, grate Grandfather.

Ladies.
When it comes to Doggy-Style, I'm behind you 100%.

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to -watch a movie- is actually watching a movie.

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven Cs.

—¿Estás tomando las pastillas para la paciencia?

—Que sí, joder.

- Omnipresente le digo, mi padre está en todas partes.
- ¡Por última vez! ¡Leproso! ¡Tu padre es LE-PRO-SO!

- Martínez, preséntese en dos semanas.
- Pero si me voy a seguir llamando igual.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
– W. P. Kinsella

What is the favourite magazine among priests?
Prayboy.

When I’m in a hurry, I count Maines instead of Mississippis.

Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

But that’s not nececelery true.

Она думала, что он - хранитель семейного очага, а этот "хранитель", как выяснилось, своей кочергой ещё два костра ворошил.

Not saying my wife’s lazy but we haven’t had a clean plate in the house since the dog died.

The world is divided up into two groups of people. Those who think the world is divided up into two groups of people and those who do not.

Her name was Virginia. Virgin for short, but not for long.

The US is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day!

[Detective shows me a picture of a suspect]
-“Have you seen this man? Goes by the name of ‘Stephen’ with a ‘ph’.”
-“Why?”
-“That’s how his parents spelt it.”

Two old ladies are sitting in the laundrette waiting for their wash to finish.
One of them says '' That washing machine is laughing at me''
''No it's not'' replies the other
'' It's just taking the piss out of your knickers''

"NEWS FLASH"....Cell phones no longer work in Afghanistan because of the telliban.....

— Какова цель вашего визита в Голландию?
— Покурить травы и поебаца.
— Так и запишем: осмотр достопримечательностей.

I’ve learned 99% of the English language. I’m almost their.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Me wife just asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today...She wasn't fucking happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Why do women skydivers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down....

I’ve just deleted all the German names from my phone. Now it’s completely Hans-free.

- Папа, а почему снег под ногами хрустит?
- Это у снежинок ломаются позвоночники.

The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry!

Юнец: ты кончила?
Мужик: ты конченая?
Дед: тут конечная?

Two incomes are better than one so make sure he has two jobs. Follow me for more financial freedom advice.

A bit of advice please.
Is 'motherfucker' one word, or two?

It's for a Valentine's card, so I want it to be right.

My wife’s a raver and keeps trying to get me into it. She won’t techno for an answer.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."

- Mark Twain