Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

Chuck Norris's parachute failed to open, so he took it back for a refund!!!

I’ve been watering my herbs with leftover coffee. I love coffee thyme.

I'm really getting bored watching the History Channel... There's never anything new on.

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

• Thomas Edison

Life Rule: Never live bigger than your paycheck.

On a flight, off on holiday. The cabin crew member asked what I wanted to drink.

"water".

"Still?"

"Well, I haven't changed my mind..."

My friend would always cheat for exams by memorising any potential answer…

If u clean ur shower, you're literally ur shower's shower.

I'm not afraid to die...

I just don't want to be there when it happens...

I’ve decided to marry a pencil.
I can’t wait to introduce you all to my bride 2B.

Чтобы жена не мучилась вопросом, что купить на 23 февраля в подарок, чуткий муж специально разбил кружку.

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
- Paulo Coelho

It is not called a gnawjob for a reason...

Doctor: I’m just going to lightly brush you to see if there is any reaction, okay?
Me: A test tickle?
Doctor: I was thinking more like the back of your arm…

—Prueba a conocerme mejor.
—Eres idiota.
—Suficiente.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

FUN Fact:
A person with damage to the right brain hemisphere can develop a "joke addiction," - a compulsive need to constantly make and tell jokes.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it.

Mi novia no quería ver Titanic pero se la ice ber.

—Tienes un corazón que no te cabe en el pecho
—Gracias, doctor
—Es un grave problema médico
—Ya, pero también significa que soy...
—Vas a morir

Surprise him by stashing skittles in your bra so later when he motorboats you he can taste the rainbow.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door..

- Jajaja, mira Paco, pone aquí en el periódico que la falta de sexo produce sordera.
- Las cinco menos cuarto.

" No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. "
~ Charles Dickens

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?

He puts his pyjamazon.

Чем старше я становлюсь, тем больше у меня увлечений, которые можно делать лёжа.

"I was a terrible kid"
- A terrible adult

Содом и Гоморра были отличными городами, а погибли из-за каких-то пидоров.

Comedians' favorite soup requires funny bones in laughingstock.

I will fuck you harder than the tax man.

~ Me flirting

—¿Hasta cuándo piensas vivir del cuento?
—Hasta que escriba otro.

—Mi mayor virtud es la paciencia.
—¿Qué?
—Joder, ¿te lo tengo que repetir?

I’m reading a book about WD-40. It’s non-friction.

Why do toadstools grow so close together in the forest?
Because in the forest there isn't mushroom.

I’m organising a charity ball next week for people who struggle to reach orgasm Just let me know if you can’t come.

Зять гинеколог - беззубой теще: — Мама, не улыбайтесь, пожалуйста! Ви мине напоминаете о работе...

He is the love of a lifetime.
It just isn't this lifetime

A liars worst enemy is someone with a good memory.

- Доктор, моя жена постоянно кашляет. Какие только лекарства не принимала, всё равно кашель не проходит.
- А травки не пробовали?
- Пробовали - хихикает, но все равно кашляет...

- Mamá mamá, en el colegio me dicen infantil.
- José Luis, castígales o algo, que eres el director.

Boss: It's a make or break situation!

Me: I'll take a break then tnx.

I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right.

A veces me orino en la cama para sentirme más joven.

— Доктор, Вы меня раздели, осмотрели, пощупали. А почему не хотите лечить? — Видите ли, голубушка, я доктор философии.

Муж сквозь сон бормочет жене:
- Дорогая, пожалуйста, сними с меня тапочки и выключи телевизор.
- Потерпи, мой пупсик. Мы еще в театре...

I’m not a competitive person. I’m always the first to admit it.

FUN Fact:
Applying vodka on your face cleanses the skin, tightens pores and can prevent acne breakouts.

I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday. I don’t know what to make of it.

I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They just take the money and run!

As I sat drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, I thought to myself... I really need to buy some mugs.

Когда эзотерическая женщина действительно чего-то сильно хочет, то Вселенная посылает ей цитаты Пауло Коэльо!

I went on Amazon to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I chose one and read the reviews. Most of them said, “This product really sucks!”
Now I’m confused.

FUN Fact:
Avocados are toxic to almost every other animal except humans.

¿Si Dora la exploradora y Batman tuvieran una hija como le llamarían? Batidora JAJAJA Entiendes?
Bati-Dora.

FUN Fact:
Iceland's population is so small that an Icelandic company has created an anti-incest app to prevent Icelanders from dating their relatives.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

When bees move into a new hive do they have a house-swarming party?

Fine, she said.
Murder, she wrote.

Enjoy life today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never promised.

My sex tape consists of the duct tape I use to keep my vibrator together.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family.
My kids liked her, but my wife wasn't impressed.

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs.

Многие женщины мечтают о рыцарях и действительно получают агрессивных плохо одетых мужчин, которые пахнут конём.

There are two types of people in the world. Those with a short attention span and, look over there… it’s a plane!

- Was I right to take in this cannibal as a lodger?
- Hmm .. that's a tough decision.
- I know, it's been eating away at me all day.

Девушки классифицируются от 0 до 180. То есть градус, на который готов повернуть ради неё голову.

Some walks you have to take alone.

Why was the cell phone wearing its glasses?
It lost its contacts.

Chuck Norris won a marathon while sleepwalking.

If you cant fix it with a hammer - you got an electric problem.

I just finished reading Great Expectations.
It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.

Relationship Status: buys myself Valentine's candy and eats it.

The only one who ever got anything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

I'm jealous of my parents...
I'll never have a kid as cool as them.

I'm sorry sir, your ex-wife was pronounced dead.

I cant belive i've been pronouncing it wrong all this time!

Каждой твари - по харе !

-Cariño, lo he pasado muy bien.
-Yo también.
-Necesito que me digas algo que haga que nunca me olvide de esta noche.
-Mi abuela murió en esta cama.