Aging with a Smile: Delightful Old Folks Jokes.

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes," went from being a fun little kids' song to a list of things that hurt.

You know you’re getting old when your parents start disappointing you, instead of you disappointing them.

Welcome to your 50's. You're now too old for young people and too young for old people.

I’m in the “drink once, pee twice” phase of life.

Getting older means everything's too loud and also not loud enough.

You know your getting old and cranky when you buy a cereal for it's fibre content and not the free toy.

Single mature guys — forget the young gals.

You need someone who can recognize the signs of a stroke.

I'm old enough to know better but I don't let that get in my way when it comes to making poor decisions.

Welcome to your 50’s…
tying your shoes is your cardio for the day.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re predicting the weather with your bad knee.

Age is just a number but when you turn 68 you're suddenly hopeful of being in a better position next year.

I'm "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don't trust my farts anymore" years old.

Of course I'm against sin... I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

I don't mean to brag
But I'm so old I can hurt myself
Sleeping.

Shout out to my grandma, that’s the only way she can hear.

You know you're getting old, when you get up in the morning and have to rest for a while.

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?
"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

I know I'm getting old, just went into an antique store and everything looked new.

I'm so old, that when I was a kid rainbows were in black and white.

We should start referring to 'age' as levels, so when you're at level 80, it sounds more badass than just being an old person.

A 73 yr old woman was in court yesterday for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show last week. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.

I'm supposed to respect my elders,
but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Where do Vikings go when they get old?

The Norsing home.

The older I get…the tighter companies are putting lids on jars.

The older I get the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

His grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.

Don't be afraid of growing old. A lot of people never make it that far.

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

Two old ladies are sitting in the laundrette waiting for their wash to finish.
One of them says '' That washing machine is laughing at me''
''No it's not'' replies the other
'' It's just taking the piss out of your knickers''

Welcome to your 50’s!
You can now hurt yourself yawning.

My favorite part of getting older is waking up with a hangover even though you didn’t drink the night before.

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

Age is just a number… of body parts with aches.

The older I get, the more I understand pandas.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’

As Transformers get old, they first turn into golf carts and then motorized adult scooters.

So, I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...

It's one small step for nan.

The best part about being old af is being able to say fuck off, I’m old af.

You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor...
...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.

Young men live a life of easy come and easy go. For us older guys, it's a bit more difficult for both.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

It's getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year.

Getting older is cool bc you not only detect bullshit quicker, but you also lose all tolerance for it.

20: I wish I had more money

40: I wish I had more time

60: I wish y’all would be quiet

Shout out to old people, otherwise they can't hear shit.

I always knew I'd get old.
How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

I hate it when I see an old person, then realize that we went to high school together.

They say 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40. The older I get, the more
9 PM is the new
midnight.

The older I get the more I think "Grumpy Old Men" should've just been called "Men."

People don't lose their ability to distinguish what's cool and what's embarrassing as they age. They lose the ability to give a sh*t.

My new jacket is reversible, as it turns out...

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.

I've reached an age where my Train of thought leaves the station without me.

I never seem to see the old lady next door any more which is a shame as I wanted to tell her how good her milk bottle collection is.

How do you know you’ve reached middle age? It's when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police!!!

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. So if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I’m so happy, because I live at number 67, so it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. AND it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!

You know that you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder, "What else can I do while I'm down here?"

BIRTH CONTROL WHEN YOU GET OLDER - Nowadays I'm so 'out of shape' that my birth control is just to leave the lights on...

You know you're getting old...
when you and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.

You don’t actually feel grown when you become an adult, you just feel like an older teenager.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about 'the good old days.'
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, 'Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?'
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled, and obligingly took her hand in his. With a wry little smile,
Grandma pressed a little farther, 'Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kissed me on the cheek?'
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a cute peck on the cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, 'Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?'
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Confused, Grandma said, 'Honey, where are you going?'
Grandpa replied, 'To get my teeth!'

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 => but so do rheumatism, fallen arches, faulty eyesight, and the annoying tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times...

My kids said "Dad can we go and see the bearded lady at the circus today?"I replied "I've told you before, Call her grandma and she's in an old peoples home.!!!

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your undies?
Your grandmother.

Now I'm getting older, I can't enjoy alphabet spaghetti without my reading glasses.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I'm 73.

To help her husband lose weight she stopped him eating between meals ,
She hid his false teeth.

Am i old ? Well , i can remember when the Dead Sea was just a bit poorly .

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

If there's one thing gets me Down it's getting Up!

What do you call it when a bunch of old men clap?

Menapplause...

A frog jumped on my lap.
It said,kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman!
I started to put it in my pocket, it said to me. What are you doing?
I responded, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog!

I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...
It's one small step for nan...

Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?

It burst, and now she's living in a flat.