Aging with a Smile: Delightful Old Folks Jokes.

You know you're getting old when you watch a porn film & think, that bed looks really comfortable!

I know people my age climb mountains without falling off,
But my daily challenge is to climb into my underpants without falling over...

I hate it when I see an old person and then realise we were at the same school together.

I just realized that I haven't done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

An eldery woman goes to the doctor :
-Good morning Doctor, do you recognize me?
-Yes I do, you came last week for a strength problem. I gave you some medicines. Any problem with it?
-Yes indeed... I can't open the box...

What do you call it when a old person rings a doorbell?
Boomerang.

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

Old shoppers never die.
They just sale away.

An Older Man had met a Younger Woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would Orgasm during Sex.

A caring Man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his New Lover, so he called his Doctor for advice...???

The Doc told him that masturbating before Sex, often helped Men last longer during the Act. The Man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it..??

He couldn't do it in his Office. He thought about the Toilets or Restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an Alleyway, but figured that was too Unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his Truck over on the side of the Highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the Truck..??

Satisfied with the Privacy, he undid his Pants and started to Masturbate.

He Closed his Eyes and thought of his Lover.

As he grew closer to Orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his Pants.

Not wanting to lose his Mental Fantasy or the Orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "WHAT"..?!?!? In a stern voice.

He heard, "This is the Police. What the Hell are you Doing"..???

The Man replied, "I'm checking out the Rear Axle, it's Noisy, could be Busted."

The Cop says,

*

"Well, you better check your Brakes too, because your Truck rolled away, down the Hill, 5 minutes ago.😂

I’m so old ...
I’ve stopped buying green bananas.

My grandpa is an organ donor.

He donated his old piano.

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

At my age I have seen it all, I have done it all, I have heard it all...?.....I just don't remember it all!

Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?
It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

Tips on how to fall asleep in a chair. . . . . 1 be old. 2 sit in a chair.

"My Grandpa recently lost his Mouth Organ"
"His Harmonica?"
"No, his Tongue. But he doesn't like to talk about it"

Two old guys chatting about sleeping.
First guy: I am having trouble sleeping every single night.

Second guy: I sleep like a baby, I wake up in the morning, no hair, no teeth and I have fucking shit myself again.

Shout out to my grandpa, that's the only way he can hear.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

Too Much Sex;

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”;
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 70 years of age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and

with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her That'll put a stop to that shit."

I asked an old man: "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".
The old man replied: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her".

My favorite childhood memory is....
My back not hurting.

We call my Grandad Spider-Man. It's not because he has special powers, it's because he can't get out the bath.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

GRAY PRIDE, ....We’re Old, We’re Tired,
Get Off Our Lawn.

As you get older, 3 things happen...first your memory goes....
I can’t remember the other two..

An old man struggles to get up from the couch and puts on his coat. His wife seeing this asks "Where are you going?" "I am going to the Doctor". "Why, are you sick?" "Nope, I'm going to get some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately, the wife gets out of her rocker, and puts her coat on. Husband asks "Where are you going?" "I'm going to the Doctor too," she answers. "Why, what do you need?" She says,"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting me a Tetanus shot...

Circus comes to town and has a 100 dollar contest to make the elephant shake his head up and down. Nobody can do it, then an old man walks from rhe hills, takes his cane, and smacks the elephant in the balls. The elephant screams in pain shaking his head up and down and the man takes his money. Next year same circus, but you have to make the elephant shake its head side to side. Nobody can do it. Along comes the same old man. "Rememeber me?" Elephant shakes up and down. "Want me to do what I did last year?" Elephant shakes side to side!

Saw an old lady at lunchtime with a broomstick and a pointy hat stood on the beach. Think it was a ‘sandwitch!’

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

Sent my hearing aid back for repair 3 weeks ago, have heard nothing since.

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town." The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska." The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a stroke and the third couldn't reach.

An old-timer is one who can remember when going to the eternal rest didn't mean landing a job with the government.

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'

A woman is getting old when she feels insulted, rather than flattered, by a whistle.

You're getting old when the girl you smile at thinks you're one of her father's old friends.

A man is really old when he watches the food instead of the waitress.

You're getting old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Old age is when the gleam in your eyes is just the sun shining on your bifocals.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the email"

I KNOW I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS, BUT I AM 83 YEARS OLD AND I WAS IN THE MCDONALD’S DRIVE-THROUGH THIS MORNING AND THE YOUNG LADY BEHIND ME LEANED ON HER HORN AND STARTED MOUTHING SOMETHING BECAUSE I WAS TAKING TOO LONG TO PLACE MY ORDER. SO WHEN I GOT TO THE FIRST WINDOW I PAID FOR HER ORDER ALONG WITH MY OWN. THE CASHIER MUST HAVE TOLD HER WHAT I'D DONE, BECAUSE AS WE MOVED UP SHE LEANED OUT HER WINDOW AND WAVED TO ME AND MOUTHED "THANK YOU.", OBVIOUSLY EMBARRASSED THAT I HAD REPAID HER RUDENESS WITH KINDNESS. WHEN I GOT TO THE SECOND WINDOW I SHOWED THEM BOTH RECEIPTS AND TOOK HER FOOD TOO. NOW SHE HAS TO GO BACK TO THE END OF THE QUEUE AND START ALL OVER AGAIN,
DON'T BLOW YOUR HORN AT OLD PEOPLE, THEY HAVE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

An older man threw a piece of Cheese at me.
I turned around and said That's not very mature.

An old lady was knitting and driving at the same time. A Cop saw this and shouted 'Pull Over'...'NO' she replied it's a Scarf

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me........... “hold that ladder still”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Senior wife says to her hubby: What would you do if i started smoking?
Senior hubby says to wifey: I would slow down & use more lube.

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. she searched and Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead! )

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Two old guys on the porch are watching a dog lick his balls. One guy says, "I wish I could do that." The second guy suggests, "You ought to try petting him first."

At the old folks home, Sam & Arlene have their special way of intimacy. Arlene holds Sam's penis while they watch TV. A new resident moves in and Arlene is shocked to find Sam sitting next to her as the new woman holds Sam's penis. Later, Arlene confronts Sam asking, "What has she got that I haven't got?" Sam sheepishly replies, "Parkinson's"

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?" Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."