Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

Somebody stole my car tyres.
Now it's not working, it must be retired.

I bought a new calculator the other day, the + button seems to be missing,
It just doesn’t add up.

If you put toppings on ice cream, and it melts, and they drop to the bottom, are they still toppings or are they now droppings?

I was going to tell you a joke about cows.

But I bet you've already herd it.

There's a new thieve who wears a hood.
He's Robbin every shop .

What does a lazy tailor say?
Suit yourself.

A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned; so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly, said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Due to the current economic situation, I've decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It's not my full time job.
I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

While heading to the heart of the city, we noticed highway workers doing bypass surgery.

My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked straight away.

I'm having frozen eggs for breakfast. They’re hard to beat.

My Grandad died in a washing machine.
At least he died in comfort.

I lost my mood ring, I don't know how to feel about it!

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a line!

I heard in the news someone stole the wheels off all the police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Q: What city has the largest rodent population?
A: Hamsterdam.

Dad: Pete and Repete went for a swim. Pete was drowned. Who was left?

Child: Repete

Dad: Ok. Pete and Repete went for a swim....

The little ink drop was sad. It cried because he found out his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long her sentence was going to be.

Why is Spongebob the main character if Patrick is obviously the Star?

Penguins are always Cool.

When the zookeeper announced that the Boa Constrictors had escaped, the visitors became hiss-terical!

Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

It's too high a price 'toupee.'

I couldn't work out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.

A butcher once bet me I couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.... but the steaks were to high 😉🤣

Went into the shop today and asked for a packet of Helicopter crisps
The shop keeper said sorry we don't sell that flavour so I asked for plain.

Two cell towers were married yesterday
The reception was amazing!

Dad: Son did you hear about the kidnapping at the school.??
Son: No what happened!
Dad: The teacher woke him up.

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?
Alexus.

It's said
"Your nose is running"
But your
"Your feet are smelling".

You wanna make your water bed more bouncy?....add spring water.

Trees are relieved when Spring comes.

I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only received paper, pen, bindings and glue.

"Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”

What does my wife do for a living you ask?
It’s difficult to say.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

How did the farmer catch his wife?

He tractor down.

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dadglasses?

A 747 had a bad Landing this morning, bouncing down the runway. Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

I managed to build a car completely from washing machine parts!
Tomorrow I’m taking it for a spin.

What do you call a turtle that lost its shell?
Homeless looking for shelter!

What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30
(Tooth hurty)

Opening a high-end Halloween shop, a Bootique.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp!

Why don't we tell a secret in a farm?
Cos corns have ears.

A large petroleum giant has found a way to turn insect urine into a petrol alternative.
I think it's BP

A sign on a local plumbing truck: “A Straight Flush is Better Than a Full House.”

What do you call a pig with three eyes...
Piiig.

My friend was rushed to hospital after swallowing 8 plastic toy horses.
He’s now stable.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they re-possessed her.

Did you know that clouds rule the skies? Look at the way they rain.

What did the door said to the other door on a date?
You're a-door-able.

There's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
Police believe they're still at large.

I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.

What do racers eat before running ?
Nothing, they fast.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
An ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

What kind of bagel can fly ?
A plain bagel.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

Patient: I feel like a goat.
Doctor: How long have you been feeling this way?
Patient: Since I was a kid.

Why did the banana put on sunscreen?
Because it didn’t want to peel!

What noise annoys an oyster?
A noisey noise annoys an oyster.

I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.

A opinion without 3.14 can bring you tears.

I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during lockdown.
It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

I met a medic made out of wood the other day.
He was a hickory dickory doc.

Does anyone want to buy a deflated tyre?
No pressure.....

What do you call a sorceress on a beach?
A sandwich.

I was relieved that the nurse didn't hurt me whilst taking my blood.
It was a jab well done.

What’s a rat’s favorite form of art?
Mousaic

I'm writing a book about the wind.
At the moment it's only a draft!

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur.

Dad: Knock knock
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Interrupting cow
Son: Interr.....
Dad: MOOOOOOOO

My buddy got a dog and asked me if I had anything to help him. I gave him a rope.

Its the leash I could do.
🐕

...A cargo ship carrying yo-yos has hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic..so far it has sunk sixty three times....

What does a dinosaur decorate his house with?.....
....... reptiles

Just saw my neighbor fill his canoe with ice cream and rootbeer.

Kinda strange but hey, whatever floats his boat.
🛶

I've started a business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are through the roof.

I saw a small flying mammal somersault into a lake, so I rushed to help it.
It was alright....it was an aqua bat.

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.

I once tried to make a poultry sandwich but the meat was too shaky and sweaty....
It was cold turkey!