Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

Some business news:

My friend opened an undercover shop buying and selling skeletons....
It was no bodies business!

I heard that Humpty Dumpty had a terrible Winter.
Which is quite odd because he had a great Fall.

What's do European ghosts eat?
Ghoulash!

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie retires next month.
Whoever replaces him has some big chouxs to fill.

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy...
However, that's not the case.

How does a rancher find new cows to buy.
He looks through the cattlelog.

When Theodore emerged from the rabbit hole,
he was un-warren Ted.

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.

Started reading a book about Fort Knox.
It’s really hard to get into.

Wanted to brighten up the yard so I planted some bulbs.

A 3 year old just gave me a one-legged Batman doll.
Sure it's a great gift but I seriously can't stand it.

What do you call an ant that cannot talk?
A mutant 😁😀

Bro, can you tell me what the meaning of 'procrastinate' is?
I'll tell you later.

Appropriate name for identical twins.
Peter, Re-Peter.

Man 1: I’m going to Africa.
Man 2: Kenya ?
Man 1: Yes. I think I can.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Whats snacks do wizards eat when they go to the seaside?
Sand Witches!

Just had a fish
crap on me.
Little bass turd.

My first time on an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time really let me down.

The tallest building in my city is the library because it has the most stories.

What is the opposite of Domino's?
...
Domi doesn't know!!!

I just finished writing a book on penguins, now that I think about it, it would have been easier to do it on paper.

They’re adding a second floor to the local library building.....
But that’s another story

I couldn't understand why my dog was motionless. Then I realized...
It was on paws.

Does anyone know, if you need a current licence to drive an electric car ?

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

I bet the person who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing their hands together?

I have a step ladder...i never knew my real ladder.

Why do they build fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in there.

Why can’t people living on Main Street be buried in the cemetery across the road?
Because they’re still alive 😂😂😂

I always wanted to be an astronaut like my Dad.
He always wanted to be an astronaut as well.

I was denied insurance on my tent. If it blew away, I won't be covered.

Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I could tell you but I don’t want to be the one to spread it !

I asked several people what a deer with no eyes was called but they said no idea.

I then asked what do you call a deer with one eye... Strange how all of them suddenly had one idea.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

What do you call bees that are fat? Obeese.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

If you asked a taxi driver how much it would cost to drive you somewhere, would that be a...
...fare question?

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it
There could be a salad dressing.

Of all my body parts, I love my fingers the best.

I can always count on them!!

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society......

I spilled the beans ! 😆

I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y

I've had some bad news today. My doctor told me that I'm allergic to spray deodorant!
Never mind, roll on tomorrow...

I really dislike Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves

I don't yet have a perfect knowledge of how to do origami in reverse, but it is slowly unfolding.

You should never make fun out of a dyslexic dwarf.
It’s not big and it’s not clever!

Went out for a family meal last night, and we decided to try the duck for a change.
As usual, I ended up with the bill!

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..
..mixed fillings??

Last Christmas Eve, Santa got stuck in my chimney. Getting stuck is bad enough, but he also suffers from Claus-trophobia...

I was gonna look for my missing watch. But I could never find the time..

What do coffee lovers feel when they run out of coffee?
Depresso!

My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

Fact: Sharks can only attack you if you're wet.

Detective: “Tell me what you saw"
Carpenter: “Wood, mostly"

I remember when I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

I have some dead batteries if anyone wants them, free of charge.

How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time no sea!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet.

That's a little gnome fact.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.

Age is clearly a word. 😎

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.

What do you call a female horse who neighs loudly at night and disturbs everyone around her?

Answer: A night 'mare'.

As a lumberjacks I cut 2457 trees.
I know because every time I cut one I keep a Log.

I used to be addicted to soap.
But now I’m clean! 🧼

How do you describe a cow that has just given birth?
De-caffeinated. 🐄

Anyone got any good big bird puns....
They’re Emusing. 😍

What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An Ill eagle alien.

If a bakery always wanted you to pose with all their buns for a picture, can we call you a great..
Roll model?? 🙄

Never make fun of a Scotsman's traditional garb. You could get kilt.

An English man, a French man, a Spaniard, and a German enter into a bar and the bartender asked them, "Can you see me?"
They responded: "Yes, Oui, Sí, Ja"

Who decided we should park on driveways and drive on parkways anyway?

If Telly, Nelly and Pelly had a fishing contest, who would win?
Answer: Well, if any of them could catch fish, Pelly can.

🐟🐟🐟

Me and my best mates played a game of hide and seek. It went on for hours...Well, good friends are hard to find.

My wife wants me to throw out the old glue sticks but I've become attached to them.

What did the dad say to his son when the son said he wanted to work with horses?

sounds like a stable career.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a Martini.”

The bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”

Went to the doctor's with a hearing problem. He asked to describe the symptoms.
I told him 'Homer's fat' and 'Marge has blue hair'.