Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.

Why do we get so mad at lazy people... they didn’t do nothing. 😎

Cereal drowns in milk therefore milk is a cereal killer.

If a lion wants to eat its entire family, It must swallow its pride. 🦁

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it "brella" but he hesitated

Did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall or was he.... eggsacuted.

Tim bought 2 goldfish and named them 1 and 2. If 1 died, he'll still have 2. 🤣

Why did the dictionary run from the tornado?
Because it didn't want the tornado to twist its words. 📖

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Well if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan...🐥🐤🐔

What did the sea say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved. 🌊

I've been troubled by this for a long time: Why is Madison Square Garden round?

I broke my finger last week .. On the other hand I'm OK..

How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.

What’s brown and sticky?
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A stick 😎

What does Whinne The Pooh and John The Baptist have in common?
Their middle name. 🐻🧔

Q:Whats the longest word in the dictionary ?
A: SMILES 😀
because there is a mile between the first and last letter

If you saw a dude wearing a suit of armor happily singing outside, would you...
Just close your curtains and call it a knight??

You cannot take a picture
of a guy with a wooden leg,
you have to use
a camera. 📷

Racecar backwards is racecar
Racecar upside down is expensive. 🏎

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
That's right, owls hoo 🦉

What's blue and smells like yellow paint?....
Blue paint!!

A 5 year old just gave me a one-legged Batman doll.

Sure it's a nice gift, but I really can't stand it.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right... 😃

What do you call an Eskimo's house without a toilet?
An ig!!!

What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt. 😎

Why couldn't the bicycle stay out late? He was two tired...

I wanted to buy a dozen bees at the apiary. The beekeeper presented me with thirteen. He said one was a freebie. 🐝

The difference between a crocodile and an alligator depends on whether you see them in a little while or you see them later. 🐊

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
No? Well, you don’t know what you’re missing! 🏹

Do not spell the word "part" backward
It's a Trap.

If anyone finds a hearing aid can you give me a shout ? 📢

Last night I had a dream that I died, went to hell and Satan made me karaoke with him...that's right, the devil made me duet! 👺

A beaver walks into a bar.
The bartender says "SHUT THE DAM DOOR" 🚪

I only like 25 letters in the alphabet
I don't know "y"

I was washing the car with my son today.

A passer by said "maybe you should use a sponge next time"😃

Orthodontists just announced they will go on nationwide strike.

Brace yourselves!

What did the tree say to autumn?

Leaf me alone.

What do you call a fly with no wings ? ........
A walk 🚶‍♀️

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows. 👃

my next book- "How to Fall Down a Staircase:
a step-by-step guide" 📖

Do not believe the Belgian king. Frequently he waffles. I'm not going to sugar-coat it.

Which day do chickens

hate the most?

Friday. 🐔

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
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A gummy bear 🐻

How do you keep a dummy in suspense?
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I'll tell you later.

I just ate a clock. It was time consuming. 🧭

Why don’t you ever find hippos hiding in trees..?
Because they’re so good at it.

T-Rex hurt his knee.
He has a Dino Sore.

I can't say enough about dry erase boards... they're remarkable.

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help.
But I stand corrected.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?" 😃

Woke up feeling like a banana. Anyway, speak to you later. Gotta split...🍌

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

A guy tried to annoy me with "bird puns"...but I soon realized toucan play this game.

People nowadays are just way too judgemental.
You can tell just by looking at them.

What do you call a line of men, waiting for their haircut?

A barberqueue. 💇‍♂️💇‍♀️

Ants never get sick because they have little anty-bodies.

Did you hear about the pirate that quit smoking... he used the patch.

If anyone knows a good fishing joke plz let minnow....

How do you get a country girl's attention?...
A tractor. 🚜

Teacher: Why did you lace only one shoe?
Student: underneath, it's boldly written 'Taiwan'..

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador. 🐶

Why was the shampoo so happy? He was head and shoulders above the the rest!

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It. 😃

What do you call a man laying on your door step with no arms and no legs?
Matt.

Wanted to produce a movie on how to fly fish. But couldn’t get a good cast. 🐟

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. 🦘

Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?
They were autumn mated. 🤖

Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials! 🥚

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm in it.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down!

Friend went to his doctor and was told he could ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He had a weekend immune system.

When I was younger, I had a terrible accident where I fell into an industrial upholstery machine.
It’s ok now. I’m fully recovered.

Did you know that Swedish warships have barcodes on them, so when they go into dock they can Scandinavian. 😜

A friend of mine can't afford their water bill, so I just sent them a get well soon card.

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roaming Catholic ✝

IF YOU FOUND A PICTURE OF BOTH OF YOUR MOM'S SISTERS WEARING YOUR JEANS, COULD THAT BE A CLEAR CASE OF..
AUNTS IN YOUR PANTS?? 👖

What did our parents do to kill boredom before social media?
I asked my 23 brothers and sisters and they don't know either..

My Mrs says I'm a rubbish electrician, well she's in for a shock. ⚡🔌