Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

What animal can jump higher than the Empire State Building??

They all can! Buildings can't jump!! 😏

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

What is an Eskimos favourite song ?
Whale meat again. 🐳

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work...📢

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger

Then it hit me 🏀

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.

Why do we get so mad at lazy people... they didn’t do nothing. 😎

Cereal drowns in milk therefore milk is a cereal killer.

If a lion wants to eat its entire family, It must swallow its pride. 🦁

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it "brella" but he hesitated

Did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall or was he.... eggsacuted.

Tim bought 2 goldfish and named them 1 and 2. If 1 died, he'll still have 2. 🤣

Why did the dictionary run from the tornado?
Because it didn't want the tornado to twist its words. 📖

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Well if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan...🐥🐤🐔

What did the sea say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved. 🌊

I've been troubled by this for a long time: Why is Madison Square Garden round?

I broke my finger last week .. On the other hand I'm OK..

How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.

What’s brown and sticky?
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A stick 😎

What does Whinne The Pooh and John The Baptist have in common?
Their middle name. 🐻🧔

Q:Whats the longest word in the dictionary ?
A: SMILES 😀
because there is a mile between the first and last letter

If you saw a dude wearing a suit of armor happily singing outside, would you...
Just close your curtains and call it a knight??

You cannot take a picture
of a guy with a wooden leg,
you have to use
a camera. 📷

Racecar backwards is racecar
Racecar upside down is expensive. 🏎

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
That's right, owls hoo 🦉

What's blue and smells like yellow paint?....
Blue paint!!

A 5 year old just gave me a one-legged Batman doll.

Sure it's a nice gift, but I really can't stand it.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right... 😃

What do you call an Eskimo's house without a toilet?
An ig!!!

What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt. 😎

Why couldn't the bicycle stay out late? He was two tired...

I wanted to buy a dozen bees at the apiary. The beekeeper presented me with thirteen. He said one was a freebie. 🐝

The difference between a crocodile and an alligator depends on whether you see them in a little while or you see them later. 🐊

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
No? Well, you don’t know what you’re missing! 🏹

Do not spell the word "part" backward
It's a Trap.

If anyone finds a hearing aid can you give me a shout ? 📢

Last night I had a dream that I died, went to hell and Satan made me karaoke with him...that's right, the devil made me duet! 👺

A beaver walks into a bar.
The bartender says "SHUT THE DAM DOOR" 🚪

I only like 25 letters in the alphabet
I don't know "y"

I was washing the car with my son today.

A passer by said "maybe you should use a sponge next time"😃

Orthodontists just announced they will go on nationwide strike.

Brace yourselves!

What did the tree say to autumn?

Leaf me alone.

What do you call a fly with no wings ? ........
A walk 🚶‍♀️

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows. 👃

my next book- "How to Fall Down a Staircase:
a step-by-step guide" 📖

Do not believe the Belgian king. Frequently he waffles. I'm not going to sugar-coat it.

Which day do chickens

hate the most?

Friday. 🐔

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
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A gummy bear 🐻

How do you keep a dummy in suspense?
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I'll tell you later.

I just ate a clock. It was time consuming. 🧭

Why don’t you ever find hippos hiding in trees..?
Because they’re so good at it.

T-Rex hurt his knee.
He has a Dino Sore.

I can't say enough about dry erase boards... they're remarkable.

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help.
But I stand corrected.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?" 😃

Woke up feeling like a banana. Anyway, speak to you later. Gotta split...🍌

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

I was at the park wondering

"why is the frisbee getting bigger and bigger???

And then it hit me....!!!

A guy tried to annoy me with "bird puns"...but I soon realized toucan play this game.

People nowadays are just way too judgemental.
You can tell just by looking at them.

What do you call a line of men, waiting for their haircut?

A barberqueue. 💇‍♂️💇‍♀️

Ants never get sick because they have little anty-bodies.

Did you hear about the pirate that quit smoking... he used the patch.

If anyone knows a good fishing joke plz let minnow....

How do you get a country girl's attention?...
A tractor. 🚜

Teacher: Why did you lace only one shoe?
Student: underneath, it's boldly written 'Taiwan'..

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador. 🐶

Why was the shampoo so happy? He was head and shoulders above the the rest!

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It. 😃

What do you call a man laying on your door step with no arms and no legs?
Matt.

Wanted to produce a movie on how to fly fish. But couldn’t get a good cast. 🐟

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. 🦘

Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?
They were autumn mated. 🤖

Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials! 🥚

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm in it.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down!

Friend went to his doctor and was told he could ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He had a weekend immune system.

When I was younger, I had a terrible accident where I fell into an industrial upholstery machine.
It’s ok now. I’m fully recovered.