Dad Jokes: Laugh, Cringe and Share with the Family!

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a Martini.”

The bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”

Went to the doctor's with a hearing problem. He asked to describe the symptoms.
I told him 'Homer's fat' and 'Marge has blue hair'.

To prepare for my retirement, I’ve been investing heavily in the stock market. I have beef, chicken and turkey.

I’m hoping to retire a bouillonaire.

Daughter: Dad, have you ever heard of Quasimodo?

Me: Yeah, rings a bell.

The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.

I can cut a tree in half just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Today my son asked me "can I have a book mark?" I was gutted! 6yrs old and he doesn't know my names Mike. 😎

Do we require a Current license to drive an Electric car?

What do you name a camel that doesn't have any humps?

Humphrey.

I found a snake on my car windscreen once ... i think it was a windscreen viper. 😁

What’s the name of the father of The Children of the Corn?

Popcorn.

As a kid I always wanted to be a banker. But now I’m a Comedian.
I guess I lost interest. 💲

When it’s raining cats and dogs, make sure not to step in a poodle!! 🐩

Y'all hear the rumor about the butter ?
Dont I ask me, I'm not going to "spread it"

My father has an irrational fear of elevators.
Naturally he is taking some steps to overcome this.

In an attempt to speed up my racing snail, I took the shell off to improve aerodynamics.
Didn’t work. If anything it makes him more sluggish. 🐌

I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs 🤗

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's okay, he woke up.

Kid... dad! I’m hungry
Dad.... hi hungry.... I’m dad... nice to meet ya! 😎

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast! 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️

I'm currently studying the Ancient Chinese art of bakery.

It's called Kuh ki do 🥐

I got paid for being part of a study at the sleep clinic-

– It was my dream job! 😃

I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD.
It was here a minute ago. 📀

My dogs are called Rolex and Timex......They"re watchdogs

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells. 👀

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.🐩

Does anyone actually find elevator music uplifting ? 🎼

Everyone who wears glasses 👓does so in order to look better.

I'm going fishing today with my two friends Rod and Annette.. 🎣

I hurt my back in Egypt once .. needed a Cairo-practer. )

You know where I store my dad jokes ?

In a dad-a-base

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." 😊

Why can’t a person’s nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot! 🦶

How can you tell if someone is a good farmer?
He is outstanding in his field! 👨‍🌾

What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Kids don’t eat broccoli! 🥦

What do cows order from?
Cattle-logs! 📖

Why did the teddy bear not want any dessert?
Because she was stuffed! 🧸

What is the witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling! 😎

What did the traffic light say to the truck?
Don’t look! I’m changing! 🚦

Which hand is better to write with?
Neither. It’s better to write with a pencil! 🖊

What kind of room doesn’t have doors?
A mushroom! 🍄

What do you call a flower that runs on electricity?
A power plant! 🌷

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs! 🐝

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked! 🔌⚡

Why did the teacher put on sunglasses?
Because her students were so bright! 👩‍🎓👨‍🎓

What do you call a dog that can tell time?
A watch dog! 🐶

What has hands but can’t clap?
A clock! 🕒

What can you catch but not throw?
A cold! 🥶

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“Here come the elephants!” 😀

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling! 🐘

Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed! 🖼

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot! 🐔

Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank! 💵🏦

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze! 🤧

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump!

Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! 🛌

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck! 🚚

Where do cows go for entertainment?
To the moo-vies! 🐄

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner! 🏪

How do all the oceans say hello to each other?
They wave! 🌊

patient: doctor doctor, I dont feel well.
doctor: Hmmm, it looks like you have 5.
patient: 5 what?
doctor: 4,3,2 😃

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?? No idea 😂

What has four letters, never has five letter and sometimes has nine letters ?

I tried to catch fog the other day. Mist.🤓

Asking a cab driver the cost from one place to another is a fare question.

“Nothing rhymes with orange”

Me: “no it doesn’t” 🤗

Don't you hate when people answer their own questions? I do.

Laughter is the best medicine. Except for diarrhoea. 😊

Question: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

How did the pirate get the flag at such a low price ?

He got it on sail.

Why was the barn so noisy? The cows had horns. 📯

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
Each one got 6 months. 🗓

What animal can jump higher than the Empire State Building??

They all can! Buildings can't jump!! 😏

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

What is an Eskimos favourite song ?
Whale meat again. 🐳

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work...📢