Wordplay Wonderland: Puns That Will Leave You Punderstruck!

I tried to make a reservation at the library, but couldn’t. Turns out, they’re completely booked!

I wanted to be an astronaut and herbalist.
My girlfriend wouldn't give me the thyme and space.

Did you know that there’s a new type of broom out? It is sweeping the nation!

How do you give your reluctant sheep it's pill?
Ewe have to Ram it down it's throat!

I was thinking of becoming an organ donor.

But I became disheartened.

I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.

They kept asking me trick questions....

Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

Because the pros outweigh the cons.

I just cut a tree down using only my vision. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

How does a group of dolphins decide on something? They flipper coin!

They say that eating palm leaves can cure constipation.
With fronds like that, who needs enemas?

I kept getting calls from a pest control service. I told them to stop bugging me!

I filed a complaint about my tailor- it was a terrible suit.

She's a forest queen to others,
but a big Miss Tree to me.

I practice debating in the mirror but I always come across as one-sided and two-face.

For some odd reason, every June 1st, I feel dismayed.

The pilot who thought he was above everyone else has a real altitude problem.

Somebody asked if I have time to spell Wonton backwards?
I said, “not now”...

I just heard that NBC canceled plans for a new TV series based around the lives of staff at American Airlines and their passengers.
The pilot failed to take off.

Someone has used my bank details to buy some men’s aftershave.
I think my card has been cologned !

I was screaming at my wardrobe last night, i really need to sort out my hanger management.

What do you call the ability to lie?
Lie ability.

I just finished checking my stocks. Turns out Helium is up, Feathers are down, and Paper is stationary.

If you're unable to inappropriately dispose of your trash, you're illitterate.

Did you hear the one about the butcher who forgot to lock the door of his shop? So many mistakes...

What do you do to an open wardrobe?
You closet.

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.
She called me a cheap-skate.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

No worries though—it’s just a MINER injury.

Points to Ponder!
A Single Apple
is not a Pair!

I received a call that my appointment was cancelled. I was disappointed!

Bloke 1: "What do you do for a living?"
Bloke 2 "I'm a spy."
Bloke 1: "Why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
Bloke 2: "I'm a shepherd spy."

I’m looking for qualified trainers to teach at my new Kama Sutra school.
There are many positions available...

I think my house is lying to me. I got 2 different stories.

I've always really wanted to learn how to Juggle.
I've just never had the balls.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Cause it is pointless.

Went on a hunt for treasure with Wide John Silver, High John Silver and Short John Silver.
Didn't take Long.

I missed the bus this morning....in hindsight I realize I should stop having such a sentimental attachment with public transportation...

- I spent yesterday really studying glass containers with lids.
- Day jar view?
- No, it’s the first time I’ve ever done it

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.

Today I went to this appointment......it ended in ......disappointment.

I need to think of some more snow puns.
All my others are far too flakey...

I always wonder how MISSiles manage to hit their target.

I used to be an amateur crastinator, but then I decided to go pro.

I just read a lengthy and good article on Japanese sword fighting - but I can Samurais it for you.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

I never wanted to make a Pun about Parts of the body but Ear Eye Arm.

I was hoping that reading the horoscopes would bring my girlfriend and I closer together, but in the end it Taurus apart.

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

Had to fire the guy that mows my yard..
He just wasn’t cutting it.

Mail delivered in a car is a shipment.
Mail delivered on a ship it's called a cargo.

The man who invented the throat lozenge has died...
Apparently there will be no coffin at his funeral.

If your sparkling water loses its bubbles, that's ok.
It's still water.

My friend was expelled from Asia. That's right--he was disoriented.

The leader of the lumber company is the chairman of the board.

When I was in carpentry school, I had a very tough drill instructor.

I have a couple friends that tried carpentry. Only one nailed it, the other one screwed up.

Once upon a time there was a Knight who was in battle and was attacked from all sides. His name was Sir Ounded.

What do you get if you are bitten by a red head?
Gingervitis.

I'm writing a book about all the things I ought to do before I die.
It's . . . My Oughtobiography.

When my ice house falls apart igloo it back together.

My friend sued the airlines for his missing luggage but he lost his case.

Saw on the news that water beds are trending again. Apparently, new technology has made them better for your back than previous models. They figured out a way to make them more firm and bouncy. Turns out, the new ones are filled with spring water.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

I was going to put my slices of meat on the top shelf of the fridge but the steaks were too high.

Found a random piece of a jigsaw in my car today and I’ve no idea where it came from. It’s a bit of a puzzle.

An accountant friend of mine has borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

Does anyone have any pictures of armoured vehicles moving forward in a line?
Tanks in advance.

If the fifth month was removed from the calendar, would people feel dismayed?

If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

How do devils breathe? Inhell and exhell.

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Anyone up for a trip to the guillotine museum? I’ll beheaded there later...

Was going to start on my herb garden today but I haven’t got thyme.

Together is easy
but
To-get-her is not.

It was a sad day when I found out that my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

I had 2 watches stolen from my hotel room while I was on holiday in Spain.

Adios Omegas 😕

I met a girl today who said her face was allergic to all cosmetics....
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

I came up with a pun so corny it will a-maize you!

Shout out to everyone who don't know the opposite of in.

In a previous job, my boss said to me,

“You’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen. How many trains have you derailed in the last year!?”

I said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track”.