Wordplay Wonderland: Puns That Will Leave You Punderstruck!

What ship holds 20 football teams but only three leave it each season?
— The Premier-ship!

Yesterday I saw an ad that said: Radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full.
I thought: I can’t turn that down.

Asked to choose between a booty and a famous painter.
I Picasso.

With 2nd lockdown looming, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying.

I received my degree in calligraphy today...
I don't think it's going to help me get a job, but it looks good on paper...

Electrician came home at 4am. His wife asked wire you insulate?

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

A bloke tried to sell me a gadget at the pub tonight, he said it turns on your hi-fi, receiver, lights, even the garage doors. I said I'm not remotely interested.

A friend complained about his excessive cell phone bill after travelling abroad to Italy. I told him that roam wasn’t billed in a day...

After church today,I walked into the liquor store.

Apparently I was moved by the Spirit.

The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

I'm making a model of my wife out of salt.
It's a Lot of work.

Working as a writer is cool.
But editing is more rewording.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.

My wife dumped me for only talking about video games.
It’s such a ridiculous thing to fallout 4.

My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..

..We got along well.

A man was shot yesterday with a starting pistol. Police are speculating that it was race related.

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

Currently, I’m positive that the biggest negative to my moving to DC, is that I’m constantly being charged with battery.

One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

I decided to become a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

The last remaining manufacturer of yardsticks has announced: they will make them no longer.

Why cant a Nose be 12 inches long?
Because itll be a foot!

I donated some of my bedroom furniture, while my girlfriend was away on business. Upon returning, she questioned me about my one-night stand!

ust got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.
Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn’t a fjord a new one.

I'd like to live in an old disused lighthouse,
nothing too flashy.

I have a re-occurring nightmare that I’m on an airplane without any wings. I tried to set up a help-group but it didn’t take off.

I don't know why people talk about their phobias so much?
I don't like heights but you don't see me shouting it from the rooftops.

I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

I've just written a book on poltergeists, it's flying off the shelf.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue In my house

He refused

Next year I am going to hire the same landscaper as I had this year. He was so easy to get a lawn with.

I dreamt that I wrote the Hobbit the other day.

Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep.

I’ve be earning extra doe by franchising my new Deer Cloning business...Know anyone lookin’ to make a quick buck?

I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.

I’ve decided to make an elite army of babies.
I’ll call them The Infantry.

Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

Strippers don’t have ACs in their homes.
Only fans..

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives.

My problem now is these two words "SAME" and "SIMILAR".... Are they similar or the same ?

The utensils were dirty. They were caught forking each other

My man tried to make me have sex on the hood of his honda civic,😳
if I'm going to have sex,its goin to b on my own Accord😂🙄😜

If you can't tie a knot, you can not.
If you can, you can knot.

A Fisherman's wealth is determined by his net worth.

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN, you'll get them VERY ANGRY.

The worst hotel I ever stayed at was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

I hope I never lose my hearing...
It would be ear replaceable.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.

Has any one tried blindfolded Archery ? If you haven’t you don’t know what your missing!

Just been arrested for stealing hay.
Luckily I made bale.

I used to suffer from soap addiction but I am clean now.

Shout out to whoever invented shredded cheese.
That was a grate idea.

What kind of meat does the father eat on Sunday?? Nun!!

I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today.
I left without making a scene.

What's the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of whit!

An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.

A man with a stutter died in prison... before he could finish his sentence.

I hear corduroy pillows are coming back..in fact they're making headlines.

Q: What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period?
A: Your palm Red!

What do you call it when you take a shit in a bank? A Deposhit.

Being told I was going deaf was very difficult to hear.

Women are perfectly capable of making independent decisions. they don't need any guydance.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas! It was in vein.

Why was the man selling yeast?
So he could raise some dough.

Wanted to come up with a good joke about trees but I I'm stumped.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

I once taunted the emperor of Russia.
I was using TSAR-casm!!!

I thought about making a fake ID... but that’s just not who I am...

I don't know if you know this but vampires are not real, unless you Count Dracula.

My new electronic weed whacker uses cutting-hedge technology.

Did you hear about the roofer who went to the hospital?
He came down with a case of Shingles.

I tried to write your mom a letter for two hours using a broken pencil... I finally decided it was pointless.

A mate of mine has recently invented an invisible aeroplane, I really can’t see it taking off.

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED I WAS A MUFFLER....I WOKE UP EXHAUSTED!!!

Just saw a Rolex in the trash. What a waste of valuble time!