Witty Jokes Unleashed: A Playground of Sarcastic Humor.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right & exercise
But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Girl: I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that BAD?
Me: You spelt DAD wrong.

Whats everyone using to scrape ice of their windows these days ?
I used a discount card out of my wallet this morning. Wasn’t much good, I only got 20% off.

There are two (2) rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

How to warn someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head.
2. Say “ooh, careful”.

Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature.
I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?".

I saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "Guess" on it.

Apparently "Implants?" was not the appropriate response..?

A moment of silence for everything i have to do but am not doing.😑

How is a circus different from a singles bar?

At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

Benefits of dating me
1. I'm ugly and poor so no one will ever try to steal me from you.

I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

If u ever need nothing i'm here for u.

I've just finished a positive thinking course.

What a waste of time 😠

Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!

Dad: You know you can do better.

Son: Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot.

Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!

Dad: You know you can do better.

Son: Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot.

Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

My husband's been hanging out at the gym. I told him he should wear bigger shorts.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

People are always concerned about the planet we’re leaving for our kids, but nobody cares about what kind of kids we’re leaving for the planet.

American scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.

I'm right 98% of the time.
Who cares about the other 3%?

As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.

Being a guy must be so hard, imagine texting 17 girls "goodmorning beautiful"

Things I hate:
1) Lists
B) Irony
iii) Inconsistencies

At this moment some mom is using you as a bad example for her kids.

If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

If a man says something in a forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

My friend told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I said, "Well, they were separated at birth."

Perks of being an adult: Nobody can stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".
Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

yesterday i changed a light bulb , crossed the road and walked into a bar ..... My life is a joke.

It’s okay to be white, black, straight or gay. But it’s not okay to stop at a yellow light when we both could have fucking made it.

...People who say their Wedding Day was the best day of their life, have never had two Kit Kats fall from a vending machine at once!

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby but people used to stop my mum and admire my pram.

I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

Man goes up to a woman and says "I'd give you one"
The woman says "I wouldnt sleep with you, you dirty bastard"
Man says "I dont want to sleep with you love, i was giving you marks out of 10"

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

We are apes with weapons and money, intoxicated by our delusions of self importance.

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

I asked my lawyer friend if he’d help me with my will...
"leave it all to me", he said...

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the bad news is not that bad. The bad news is that the good news is not that good.

What is the definition of Making Love?
That's what a woman is doing while the man is FUCKING her.

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

Seeing how some people wear Masks, now I understand why Condoms fail.

Saw the wife at the bank today, not good news.
I was hoping she'd wash further downriver.

Friends are like panties. Some crawl up your ass, some snap under pressure, some don't have the strength to hold you up, some get a little twisted, some are your favorite, some you can see right thru, some are cheap and just plain nasty and some actually cover your ass when you need them to.

Go to an animal shelter for a new pet and people praise you.
Go to a women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their minds 😂😂😂😂

Cigarette companies kill their best customers and Condom companies prevent their future customers from even being born.

Men and Women compete separately in Chess championships.
It means one gender is definitely dumber than the other.

Isn’t it weird that to sleep, you trick yourself into thinking you’re asleep.

and to wake up, you trick yourself into thinking you don’t hate life.

Caller: Is Ruth there?

Sorry wrong number

We are ruthless here.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I'd grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in?

I got sacked from my job in a Salvation Army kitchen,
All I said was, Hurry up you lot,
Some of us have got homes to go to.

If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

I was asked to describe myself in just five words.
I said "lazy"

Did you know vegetarians on average live 8 years longer then meat eaters. That's 8 long boring baconless years.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Don't want to show off but my neighbour just threw a brick through my window so he could hear me playing my trumpet louder.

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’”

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?
Cause' I found the rubber band.

How far up do bald people go when they wash their face ?

TODAY'S WORD OF ADVICE:
IF YOU HOLD SOMEONE LONG ENOUGH UNDER WATER, THEY STOP BEING A CUNT!

I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

Top tip for the men.
Next time you sunburn your legs, take viagra.
It don't work but it keeps the sheets off your legs at night.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It's definitely going to spice up my autobiography a little.

- You think you’re so smart?
- No, I don’t. I’m actually pretty sure.

Wife: Why don't we have a date night like other couples?
Me: I don't date married women. No exceptions. Sorry.

What do you call a woman who doesn't suck cock? You call her a cab.

My wife asked me, “why don’t you treat me like you once did when we were dating?” 🤔
So I took her out to lunch, out for ice cream then dropped her off at her parents...

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs. 🐱‍🐉

If you’re not broke it’s because you work.

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”