Witty Jokes Unleashed: A Playground of Sarcastic Humor.

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work ?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

I think I need professional help.
A maid, butler, cook and chauffeur should do it.

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Since it started raining all my wife has done is look sadly through the window, if it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

The trouble with bucket seats in automobiles is that not everyone has the same size bucket.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide....

Baldheaded people should remember that when God made heads He covered up the ones He didn't like.

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them.

Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.

I was hoping for a battle of wits but it would be wrong to attack someone who’s totally unarmed.

Son asking father.."what is the difference between rape, romance and marriage..?"hi
Father replies, "clothes my son, clothes. It's all about clothes'.
Totally puzzled, son asks, "what?".
Father..."In rape, you tear the clothes.
In romance, you remove the clothes.
*In marriage you wash the clothes.."*

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

So I finally tried snorting coke, I didn’t like it because it was hard to breathe when the ice cubes got stuck in my nose!

Did you know, that after 108 years, the Titanic’s swimming pool is still full of water?

The noblest, kindest breed of dog is the hot dog. It’s the only dog that feeds the hand that bites him.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Girl: Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.
Guy: I dunno Jenny, I kinda wish you didn't have one at all.

Payday candy bar is changing its name because it's offensive to people that don't wanna work...

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath."
"I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup."
"No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

One day a sadistic Drill Sargent was putting his platoon through several of the worst and most humiliating tasks he could think of, including cleaning his personal washroom; after one final use of the toilet which had been clogged for two days.
And at the end of the day, after he ran each of them into the ground he called attention and walked the line.
Stepping forward the Drill Sargent pushed his face right up to the youngest looking Private and groused, " I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave!"
With a straight face the Private replied," Sir, No Sir!" When I get out of the Army," I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We tried child proofing the house.
But the kids keep getting back in.

On my way out my wife turned to me and said "babe what happened? Your food isn't well flavoured today..."
So I said: look I dont have thyme to dill with this.

As a Funeral Director, I’ll either be the last to let you down or give you the smoking hot body you always wanted.

My wife screamed at me “you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said”.
What a strange way to start a conversation.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now, I have this weird axe scent.

My mate went to a fancy dress party dressed as a bank vault.
"Thought you were going as an apology” I said.
He replied "Yeah, I decided it's better to be safe than sorry".

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

I saw my ex wife from across the hall in a museum. I was too self conscious to say hello. I mean there was all this history between us.

Everytime you feel yourself getting pulled into other peoples drama, repeat these words:
NOT MY CIRCUS~NOT MY MONKEYS!

We have hired a woman named Helen Wate to deal with all the sooks & haterz If you have a complaint....go to HELEN WATE!

The sentence 'Don't believe everything you read on the Internet' is the same backwards.

I can't believe...I got fired from a calendar factory. All I did was take a day..off

Every time I see a label on something that says Non-Flammable, the little voice inside my head goes... Challenge Accepted!

Apparently my uncle has died and left me a large house. Does anyone know where Bugger Hall might be ?

If a man has sex with a prostitute whilst she's sleeping, is that rape or shoplifting 🤔😂🤣

Sometimes you just meet someone and know instantly you want to spend your entire life
without them !

A woman once asked me what is was like to have a penis.
I said " it's hard sometimes".

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

Before I met my wife.
I thought an itchyfanny was a Japanese
motor bike.

She's YOUR girlfriend but the Y is silent when you gone👀

I bought a penis enlargement treatment on Amazon, just haven't figured out how the magnifying glass is supposed to help.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...
Are they out for delivery?

To the person who stole my shoes
When I was
on the bouncy castle...
GROW UP!!!!

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet,
You can hide but you can’t run.

Myself and my wife have decided we don’t want kids,
We’re going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Who was the first farmer to pull a cows udder and thought Mmmm l think l will drink that.

I had this serious medical condition when I was young, where I had to eat soil 3 times a day just to stay alive.
I’m lucky my older brother told me about it really.

I SAW A FLYING SAUCER TODAY..IT APPEARED RIGHT AFTER THE FLYING CUP MY WIFE THREW AT ME..

My name is John Wait. When Bill collectors call, I refer them to my wife Helen. If you want money go to Helen Wait.

A woman asked me for sex yesterday.
I had to disappoint her...
We had sex !

Has anyone lost £2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?
I've found your elastic bands.

Sorry I took my pants off at your Gender Reveal party.. I thought we were all participating. My Bad🙄

If you cut your left arm, then your right arm will be left.

I'm afraid of toilets. Any toilet. I don't know why but it just scares the shit out of me.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet.
But only for like 20 seconds.
And only once.

When I said I liked it rough, I meant the sex, Not the whole fuckin relationship.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1,000!
They took a bag of popcorn, a large coke and a box of candy.

A bee finds out his queen bee is cheating on him. That really stings.

So my girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry....!

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "go vegan" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he has been slapped, spit on, punched, thrown down the stairs & had a bottle thrown at him! I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Wife just said "You treat this place like a hotel".
She may regret it when I give a low score on Tripadvisor for "rude staff".

I slept with my best friends wife last night and now I feel absolutely fucking awful.
Hope it's not Covid.

Dating a church girl is the best... I cheat, she finds out, we pray together and blame the devil.

Was at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pondWas at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

Has anybody else bought a Covid-19 testing kit from Wish?
I did, and apparently I'm pregnant!

I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I once read the dictionary. Now ever book I read is just a remix.

Little Johnnie was struggling with arithmetic in his public school. His parents decided to move him to a Catholic school instead. Amazingly, his math grades skyrocketed! His mother asked him about the vast improvement. Johnnie said, "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

i bought the wife a pug dog yesterday, despite the squashed nose , bulging eyes and rolls of fat ...
the dog seems to like her .

I've just found an old photograph of me in my boxing days.
If you turn it sideways, it looks like I'm standing up. 🥊

COP: I’m giving you a ticket for speeding.

BLONDE: What should I do with it?

COP: Save it. When you have 4 you get a bicycle.

Coworker: Do you know Juan?
Me: Be more specific. I'm Puerto Rican. We all know Juan 🇵🇷

Some people are like clouds

When they fuck off its a nice day. 😎