Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

Why couldn't anyone understand the retired perfume maker?

Because he no longer made scents.

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Fun fact:
A lighthouse is actually very heavy.

Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy...

How much do I like purple..??
More than red and blue combined.

If the TV show "Cops" taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces.
They always seem to attract trouble.

“Let me be absolutely clear…”

-The Invisible Man to a genie

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

If there is anybody alone and have no one to spend Thanksgiving with this year, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.

My High School reunion is coming up so I only have a few days to learn how to dance, have kids and get rich.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.

As a teenager I used to make perfume for Barbies. But that’s just a-doll-essence.

Prince charming: will you go to the ball with me?

Prince rude: wanna ball?

I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.

We've all seen a refrigerator run, a micro wave, and a kitchen sink. But I just saw a toilet bowl. It was striking!

A benefit of wearing glasses is taking them off when you're about to make a point so people know it's about to get real.

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

There are three types of people I can’t stand. Mean people, people who don’t finish what they’re saying,

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Calling a woman crazy behind her back is penny slots; costs almost nothing and the potential payout is huge.

What do you call a mythical creature who loves the spotlight? The Centaur of Attention.

Did you hear about the over confident lion tamer? He was consumed by his own pride.

I left school 40 years ago but I’m still angry at my classmates for voting me the pupil most likely to hold a grudge.

Just got back from a reincarnation course, £600 for 3 days. Rather expensive I know, but I figured why not, you only live once.

My ventriloquist dummy has left me after 25 years .

It was a complete golt out of the glue.

My Grandad volunteers for the Royal British Legion.
He lost his tongue in WW2, but he never talks about it.

Ya know, undertakers are the most reliable people in the world -
they're the last ones to let you down.

I'd buy a treadmill....
But I've already got plenty of places to hang my clothes.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

One thing nobody ever talks about when you're an adult, is how much time you debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it's, like, a really good box.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon".

A bloke just knocked on my door,I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall.
I said "who are you?" he said "Im the meter man"

Having a bad day is like watching a boring movie. You wanna fast-forward to the part where everyone dies.

I have made myself too many places to store books. I have no shelf control.

Once told a woman she looked great for her age instead of just saying she looked great. So yeah, you could say I’ve survived a near death experience.

I found a pirate ship really cheap!
it was on sail!

we squint at the sun because its bright.

we squint at people because they are not...

Did you hear about the retired World War II vet who later became a dentist and finished his working career in the
post office?
His tombstone epitaph said, “He fought, tooth and mail.”

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

You know your an adult when the medicine cabinet in your bathroom actually has medicine in it.

I spent all afternoon trying to remember what the opposite of "night" was.

In the end I had to call it a day.

Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let’s try to leave better kids for our planet.

Today my boss told me she thinks my written communication skills are better than my verbal communication skills.
I couldn't think of anything to say.

Everyone has that -make the other person sound incredibly stupid- voice when describing an argument.

Finally found a drive-in theater.
I went to see Closed for the Winter and almost froze to death.

A clown decided to retire and hand over the business to his son. His son said, ‘I don’t know dad, those are big shoes to fill’.

I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a coin in the jar.
The jar is currently half empty.

Why does the man eat yeast and shoe polish before he goes to sleep?

So that he can rise and shine.

I launched my own clothing line this week. I knew I shouldn't have lit the fireworks near the washing.

It takes patience to listen... it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

"What time is it?"
I don't know... it keeps changing.

They say, "Age is just a number, you're as young as you feel."
The same does not apply to IQ.

How to be an adult:
- have a bag of cords
- have a gift bag full of gift bags
- have a plastic bag full of plastic bags
- have bags under your eyes

Dear sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face, leaving it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot.

Arms for your chairs are chairs for your arms.

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

It must have been something I said.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

I can't tell if I like my new blender or not.
It keeps giving me mixed results.

I don't know who needs to know this but a furnace is, without a doubt, the best house warming gift.

Worst thing about salsa dancing is getting the tomato stains out afterwards.