Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

Got a new eco-friendly suit made of cactus leaves.
I look really sharp in it.

A toddler in their “why” phase makes you realize how little you know.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right….

Then there was the guy who was terrified of beards. One day he bravely decided to grow his own.
This guy, well, he faced his fear.

I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.

My grocery list:
1. Don't run into anyone I know.
2. Eggs.

Barbie didn't give me a poor body image. Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's removed from the body.

In Australia they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess they're just raised differently.

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

Ice creams make the best journalists because they are always getting the inside scoop first.

Don't worry about Summer changing to Fall.
It will happen Autumnmatically.

A bloke asked me, "What's the best glass to use in a window."
I told him, the answer is clear.

So this bloke just offered me a free gate.
I said: "What's the catch?"
He said: "It's the bit that allows it to open and close but that's not important right now..."

Me: I’m an optimistic person.
You: Are you sure?
Me: I’m positive.

The T-Rex’s muscle strength is so explosive, most paleontologists call it dino-might.

You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.

I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.

What do you call a grim reaper with hearing problem
Deaf.

A Norwegian, a Swede, and a Dane walk into a bar.
Sorry, this joke is unFinnished.

So I said to this Mole: "Have you stolen that soil from my garden?"
He said: "No, I've just burrowed it".

Two runners were way out in front in a charity marathon. One was dressed as a chicken and the other as an egg.
As they approached the tape I thought: "This could be interesting.”

Why doesn't the sun need to go to college?
Because it already has millions of degrees.

I’ve invented a mind controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy, I know, but it makes scents when you think about it.

Why do dragons sleep all day?
So they can fight knights!

Why do bakers always carry extra cash?
Because they never know when a bit of extra dough might be kneaded!

How do you locomotives know where to go?
Lots of training.

How does a person with a calender never go hungry?
They can eat the Dates and Sundays...

Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island...
Can he fix it? Corsican!

What is the fleas favorite way to travel?
Itch hiking.

If someone wants to try to steal my Special Rabbits Foot, then good luck to them.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.
After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.
'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.'
'Sure,' the boy said.
By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned.
'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said.
'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'

You need to be gentle with diamonds. They've been under a lot of pressure.

When I was a kid, a teacher told me I'd never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much. I said, "Oh, just you wait!"

How do you know if a swimming pool is safe enough to dive in? Deepends.

Why do spoons gossip? Because they like to stir things up!

COINCIDENCE? It's amazing that the amount of news which happens in the world every day just exactly fits the daily newspaper!

Why is it, that Poseidon is the strongest of all gods?
He's got all those mussels.

So I went into my local printers this morning and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".
He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

I just ordered 42 bottles of Tip-Ex.
Big mistake.

The Swordfish has no natural predators. Except the Penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

New ballerina is looking for a male to lead her and provide some guy-dance.

Those little green men at traffic lights,
Really make me cross...

What is a bed's least favourite time of year?

Spring break.

My favourite teacher at school was Mr Turtle.
He was absolutely brilliant.. he really tortoise well.

What did the calendar say on its death bed?

My days are numbered.

There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them: PUSH and PULL.

What runs around the yard without moving? A fence.

What would happen if Peter Pan fell in a bottomless pit?

He'd Neverland..

Why do waves always flow towards land?
Because its the only direction they are shore of.

Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp.

The sentence: "Are you as bored as I am?" can be said backwards and still makes sense.

Did you hear about the kid's magician who used chocolate in his magic act?
He always had a couple of twix up his sleeve.

How do you make a candle burn longer? You can't, they burn shorter.

What is an elevator’s favorite exercise?
Push-ups!

Why is the letter 'N' The biggest show-off in the alphabet? Because it loves being the centre of attention.

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...

My best game of Scrabble ever.

I had to give up my job at the cup factory as i was making beakers instead of cups, i just couldn't handle it.

Who cleans the ocean and seas?

The mermaid of course!

What did the stamp say to the envelope.....stick with me and you'll go places!!