Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

What do you call an unsmart finger?
Knucklehead.

what does the shirt say to the pants?
what's up britches...

A man knocked on my door trying to sell me some sunglasses. I thought he was a shady character.

What do you do if your boat is sick?
Take it to the doc!

My calendar is in a terrible condition.
I think it’s days are numbered.

How do billboards communicate?
Sign language!

Son: “Dad, what’s the difference between perspective and perception?”
Dad: “Well son, it depends on how you look at it.”

When's the best time to buy a trampoline?
At the Spring sales.

Q) How can you tell pilots think they are better than everyone else .
A) because they always look down on people .

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie!

Those who draft designs for sneakers on paper are called Skechers.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

1st anchor: Why is the ocean blue?
2nd anchor: I don't know, but I'm sure that we'll get to the bottom of it.

My pet rock was tragically decapitated. I guess I’ll need to get him a headstone.

Finally been accepted to the Secret Club. I can't tell you how excited I am.

Got a job making plastic Dracula's,
There are only two of us on the production line.
So l make every second count..

No matter how old you are, an empty gift wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

Someone stole my Queen of Hearts!! I just can't deal with this.

"Can I tell you a secret?" asked the Scarecrow.
"I'm all ears," replied the Cornstalk.

I've been trying to give up innuendos, but it's really hard. Not sure I can pull it off

What do you call shoe's made with banana's?
Slippers.

A cargo ship full of yo-yos hit an iceberg this week.
So far it’s sank 44 times!

Anyone else think Pinocchios acting was a little wooden?

I think my Iron may be broken.
That's my Pressing concern.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane. We’re currently filming the pilot.

'Waiter, what soup is this?'
'It's bean soup, sir'
'I don't care what it's been. What is it now?'

Things that make women emotional: 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

Pessimists of the world unite.....
not that it will do any good.

I bought 15 litres of Tipex the other day.

BIG MISTAKE!

The Mars Perseverance Rover just got a parking ticket.

The fine is astronomical.

Librarian: Why are you trying to locate the creator of Scrabble?
Me: I just need a word with him.

Someday, I'm gonna own the largest collection of yellow highlighters in the world! Mark my words!

Four out of ten people can ride a horse.... per the latest Gallop poll...

Why did the tightrope walker visit the bank?

He wanted to check his balance.

Some bloke just offered me a free gate.
I said: "What's the catch?"
He said: "It's the bit that allows it to open and close..."

I’ve been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won’t rest until I find it.

What did the plate say to the refrigerator? "Stay cool. Dinner's on me."

Q - what did the flame tell his parents when he fell in love?
A - “I’ve found the perfect match!”

Don’t bother looking up “impose”.

It’s next to impossible.

What did the pen say to the pencil? ...... you’re looking sharp!

What do you call a chance to jump?
Hopportunity.

"Memory foam pillow fights".

That's one fight you'll never forget.

What can run but can’t walk? A drop of water.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Do you know why Waldo went to therapy?
He had to find himself.

Spongebob may be the title character of the show.
But Patrick is the star.

What kind of bike does a Snowman ride ?

An, Ice-cycle.

Tried an anti-aging cream. Works better than expected.

Haven’t had acne like this since I was 15.

What do you call a witch that lives on the beach?
A sandwich.

When I was at school my teacher told me that I'd never get a job just staring out the window.

Jokes on her, I've been driving trains for 28 years.

A met a vampire bat who has an online dating site. Love at first byte.

Every time I see a boiling kettle, I have to take a picture with me beside it.
I guess I have selfie steam issues.

Why haven't aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.

What's Irish and sits outside all day?
Patty O'Furniture!

I BROKE MY BATHROOM MIRROR TODAY, I HOPE THAT DOESN'T REFLECT ON ME.

Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn't press your luck!

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.

What happened when the purple ship and the red ship crashed into another?
They were both marooned.