Get Your Daily Dose of Laughter with Our Funny One-Liners !

Nonalcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries, fills you up
but without the buzz.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

I know I said I never wanted to be involved in a repossession, but now I take it back.

I must be a polygamist because my wife is a Gemini.

Magicians. They can be tricky.

Time flies when you're wearing a watch inside an airplane.

Nobody flirts better than a girl that has absolutely no plans to have relationship.

Amazing how much difference there is between booty calling and butt dialing.

The best engineers have the worst handwriting.

My life is full of positives and negatives. I’m an electrical engineer.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

I was going to join the apathy club but couldn't be bothered.

It's really expensive to be poor.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

An arctic survey is called the north poll.

Invisible man seeks transparent woman to do things never seen before...

I have no clocks downstairs. My time is up.

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.

My visit to the barbershop was a hair razing experience.

Research done on introvertsmrevealed nothing.

All work and no pay makes a housewife.

If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi it would be a flash mob.

I like talking to the ocean 🌊 because it can get pretty deep.

Depressing is what comes after delaundry.

I think the proper term for "senior" women should be QUEENagers.

"Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

Blankets don’t warm you up. You warm up blankets.

I know right from wrong... wrong is the fun one.

The "Using Time Wisely" conference has been moved to February 28-30.

I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.

You can only buy used mirrors.

When I ask for directions, please don't use east west, I'll just get more lost.

I received a letter from the past, I returned it to sender.

When you drive you put your life in your foot's hands.

Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.

I knew a famous geologist who was a rock star.

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone on the internet has seen yours and been disgusted.

Ignorance is not bliss.
It's just a fancy word for stupid.

Whoever is stealing my socks - at least take both of them.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele.

The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry!

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

If u clean ur shower, you're literally ur shower's shower.

I’m not a competitive person. I’m always the first to admit it.

Reincarnation is making a come back.

My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

I really want to change the world but like I also want to lie down.

My mattress is getting pretty worn out -- I really should spring for a new one.

When you're not their cup of tea but you see them drinking all the other teas.

I don't mind paying attention, but I'm Dutch so half of it will have to come from you.

My favorite part of winter is when its over.

I went to the submarine museum today. It was a bit of a dive.

Sterility is hereditary.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

I'm gonna make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back rub.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

I know a massage therapist that kneads new customers.