Get Your Daily Dose of Laughter with Our Funny One-Liners !

All carpenters matter. Send unsolicited deck pics.

Bestow upon me your most bestowable bestowings.

There is always tomorrow, but not for everyone.

Saying -nevermind- because you're too lazy to repeat yourself.

January - a giant Monday.

People aren't getting dumber. Dumb people are getting louder.

I am that stage in life where 10 years younger is still old and 10 pounds lighter is still fat.

No one is too busy, it's only a matter of priorities.

Perfume is short for “pay per fume,” that’s why that shit is so expensive.

Dragon milk comes from cows with short legs.

I've been social distancing before it was a thing.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

You’d think anti aging creams would use bigger fonts.

New year same me because I’m perfect.

I hate when people think they know more than me… and then they do.

Heaven is for those who wanna die.

I just wish my metabolism ran as fast as my anxiety.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over, still can't fly.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Of all the lies I tell, -I was joking!- is my personal favorite.

I was about to cancel my New Year’s Eve plans when I remembered that I didn’t have any.

I have a very sensitive dentist. He's really in touch with his fillings.

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

I don't believe in chain letters, but I will occasionally send a link.

Locks just turn doors into walls.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

My occasional good idea is mostly just a bad idea waiting to be revealed.

if you like water, you already like 72% of me.

He claimed to be a upholsterer, but that claim was found to be fabricated.

I tried horse racing, but man, they were just too fast for me.

I realized today that a shoe is a foot's sole mate.

I only need to live long enough to win one Darwin Award.

I talk to myself because I agree with the feedback.

Real is more attractive than perfect.

"It takes a planet to explore the universe."

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at.

Sloth isn't such a bad sin. It prevents me from committing the other six.

If you're always right, something's wrong.

I won the wooden spoon in a recent soup making competition which caused a bit of a stir.

I'd like to give a whisper out to librarians everywhere.

If Google can't find the answer, then it's not a question.

What does a magician penguin say? "Pick a cod, any cod..."

I'm just saying people who collect magazines have a lot of issues, that's all.

I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

EXHAUSTIPATED - Adjective, for when one is too tired to give a shit.

You can always win an argument if you push them down the stairs.

I was going to submit myself to an intestine transplant, but I didn’t have the guts to do it.

I'm always funny, except when I'm not.

I was born in 1958. That's the room right next to 1957.

You only like the pen-clicking noise when you are the one making it.

I treat my haters like AM radio, I just don't listen to them.

Good luck sending me mixed signals, I dont even understand the direct ones.

Being an adult means having to schedule specific times to cry.

I love when people I’ve never heard of hate me.

Welcome to adulthood. Just getting out of bed is parkour now.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Etch A Sketches are remarkable.

Welcome to your fifties, you’re really good at multitasking now but you no longer want to.

We all are at that point in life where we get more scared of losing earphones than people.