Healthcare Comedy: Funny Doctor Jokes and Hospital Humor.

Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Probably not.

Hospital staff can be funny. They can leave you in stitches. Needle-ess to say they can be pricks. They can even have a music group: Band Aid. The cast is quite good, you can autograph them. Staff include: Tess Tube, Steph.R.Scope, Matt Rick Ingle a.k.a MRI, Dr X. Ray.

FUN Fact:
Laughing lowers stress hormones and strengthens the immune system by releasing health-enhancing hormones.

've just read yet another '30 places to go before you die' article that has neglected to include 'a hospital'.

My doctor told me it was curtains for me. He lives at the bottom of the garden and doesn’t want to watch me dress anymore.

Dentist: open up
me: sometimes life gets lonely man.

FUN Fact:
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world, it is ten times more effective than Valium.

Knock! Knock!

Coronavirus: Who’s there?

Vaccine : It’s me.

Coronavirus: Give me a minute. I’m changing!

Doctor: The nurse says you have a hearing problem

Me: Yes. I hate fish

D: No. That’s herring

Me: What?

I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer.

Be kind to Dentists. They too have Fillings.

So excited I got a raise today, it was in medication dosage but a win is a win.

Doctor, looking at my X-rays, “I was afraid of that.
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “Skeletons”

Got my eyes tested today and told the doctor I wish I could have seen like this last year...

He said 2020 vision is hind sight.

Covid turns everything upside down. If you test positive, that's a negative. If you test negative, that's a positive!

I don't understand the Covid variant names.
It's all Greek to me.

I asked my Urologist to show me his credentials.
He presented his PPHD.

To receptionist: "Hi, I like to see the doctor. I think I need glasses."
Receptionist: "You sure do. This is a bank."

Most people think the worst thing about a cold is the persistent cough…but it’s snot…

I went to the optometrist to get my eyeglasses repaired.
“You have a screw loose,” she said.
“I know. But can you fix my glasses?”

When your doctor ends your appointment with, "well... good luck", you KNOW your health is bad.

I asked my Doctor what I should do about my poor memory.
He said: Just forget about it.

During a medical examination my doctor said mercury is in uranus right now. I said I'm not into that astrology stuff. He said nor am I. My thermometer just broke.

Last night in the hospital, a beautiful nurse stepped on my oxygen tube.
She was breathtaking.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..

..mixed fillings??

DR: Are you drinking enough fluids?
ME: That's literally all I drink.

Nurse: How do you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars. Would not recommend.

"I feel terrible. I think I've got fly."
"Don't you mean flu?"
"No, because I've still got it".

You know you've reached MIDDLE AGE when who tells you to SLOW DOWN is your doctor and not a cop!

Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

When the doctor told me there was a cure for my dyslexia...

It was music to my arse!

Took a test to see if I am ADHD, but I got distracted.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

I need help. Get me a doctor.

I got thrown out of the theatre last night for eating crisps.

I’m now banned from all future operations.

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all…

I just watched a drama about a surgeon who dropped a tool into a patient's stomach.
It was gut wrenching.

I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation.
Unfortunately I can't go.

Long line at my Urologist Dr's Office ,I'm pissed.

I went to see Dr Hook last week.
It was the worst prostate exam I've ever had.

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

They said I would get my leg cast off today, but they were just pulling my leg.

I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that everytime I cough I hear words like Knight Bishop pawn and queen .
He said I had a chess infection.

I went to the dentist to get a crown made. I hope I made a good impression.

Went to the dentist today, 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere...Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down... unless that medicine is insulin.

I asked the doctor if he could cure my measles. He said he doesn’t make rash promises.

I’ve got a rare skin condition that looks like I’m covered in camouflage.
I went to the doctor but he said he couldn’t see me...

Patient: Doctor I think i have 5 legs.… Doctor: Oh my!…how do your pants fit? Patient: like a glove…

I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

What is the difference between God and a doctor????? God does not think he is a doctor.

Every time I go tp see the doctor they always ask 'How are you today?" "If I was good I wouldn't be here!"

Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes and a case of the shingles.

I just rang the Incontinence Hotline.
The woman said, “Can you hold, please?”

I'd like a choice when I have jaw surgery so I asked my doc, "What are my op chins?"

At my annual physical yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I'm worried shitless!

When I had my first eye test, the optician selected a pair of lenses, slipped them in and asked, "how is that?". I replied, "not bad, but I was hoping for more a bit more stylish frames".

The American Dental Association advises against brushing teeth with your left hand.
They say a tooth brush works much better.

I told my doctor I was having trouble with my balance. He said he didn’t care and that I’d better find a way to pay him.

Bacon will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually I guess in my arteries would be more accurate.