Healthcare Comedy: Funny Doctor Jokes and Hospital Humor.

It hurts me to say this, but...
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I have a sore throat.

I’ve started eating more honey ever since my doctor said I need more bee vitamins, but it isn’t helping.

I recently discovered I was dyslexic when I turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have...(puts on sunglasses)😎...
..mixed fillings??

What kind of doctor specializes in adam’s apples?
A guyneckologist.

At a routine check-up recently, I asked the nurse on a scale of 1-10 how badly do I need lab work? She said urinate.

‘Doc, when I smell Mexican food, my heart races’.
“Hmmm. Sounds like tacocardia”

Yesterday my doctor told me my sugars were too high. So, I went home and moved it to a lower shelf!!!

My brain surgeon botched the operation. I tried giving him a piece of my mind, but it turns out he already had one.

I've got no faith in my doctor,
All his patients are ill.

I rang the doctors’ surgery:

Me: Hello, can I make an appointment to see the doctor?

Receptionist: Which doctor?

Me: No, a medical one please.

Dentist: "You need a crown."
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Me: "Finally someone who understands!"

Man goes to the doctor with part tyre marks across his chest .
Doctor asks "Whats the problem ?"
Man says "I'm feeling a bit run down"

I went to the doctor and said, I keep thinking I'm Moses. He said, ill give you tablets for that.

I said to the doctor, the older I get, the more I spread gossip. He said, that's rumourtism.

Before injections I calm myself by saying "You can do this". Sometimes it makes my patients more nervous.

I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.

I don't know why, but I get a kick out of it...

When I Get A Headache. I Take 2 Aspirin And Stay Away from The Children.... That's what It Says On The Packet..

When a Pharmacist gets sick,
does the Doctor give him a taste of his own Medicine?

I was trying to describe to my doctor a pain I was having. He asked me what I’d liken it to. I told him I’d liken it to stop.

My parents took me to the doctor because I was always asking questions. The doctor told them I’d inherited the Why Chromosome.

Went to the doctors. I said to the receptionist. 'I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me'. 'Which doctor?' she asked. 'Yes, he will do.' I answered.

A man goes to his doctor and tells him he’s suffering from a long list of illnesses.
‘The trouble with you,’ says the doctor. ‘Is that you’re a hypochondriac.’
‘Oh no,’ says the man. ‘Don’t tell me I’ve got that as well.’

Guy went to the doctors, telling him that he had a problem with his feet. He said me big toe is where my little toe is a the little toe is where the big toe is.
Doctor had a look and said it was the worst case of myxomatosis he had seen...

Paradox - two physicians.

Social Anxiety Disorder
is just S.A.D. if you think about it.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.
"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "everything in my ear is echoing."
"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"
I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."

I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen .
He said I had a chess infection.

I tried to become a doctor but it didn’t work out. I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t have enough patients or patience.

After only 10 years in practice, our dentist retired. He said he was tired of the hole boring business. Said he didn’t want a career working in a filling station all day. We gave him a big plaque. He and his wife, Flossy, moved to Florida.

Summoned for a brain transplant... What if I change my mind?

I thought I had sinus issues only to discover it was all in my head.

A guy asked his doctor whether he should take anything for the hundreds of spots that had appeared on his stomach. The doctor said, “Sorry, I never make rash decisions”.

Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?"
Nurse: "B positive."
Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."

You know the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
The swine flu requires an oinkment, the bird flu gets a tweetment.

Right now,
I'm having amnesia & deja vu at the same time
I think I forgotten this before.

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

Doctor, the end of my feet have gone white and taste of mint!
Dr: Sounds like you've got tic tac toe!

What do you call a tooth doctor who makes a lot of mistakes?

An acci-dentist!

Showed my doctor my bruise, and we came to the same contusion...

It hurts me to say this...
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But, I have a sore throat.

After 5 years with the same chiropractor, I moved and had to change doctors. It was quite an adjustment.

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.

This bloke went to his dentist and said, 'Wheres my normal dentist?"
He said, "He's on holiday, i'm just filling in!"

Just told my doctor that I have a problem with my left ear. He asked are you sure?? Yeah, I'm definite...😏

Doctor said: "Come over here to the window and put your tongue out please".
I said: "Why, is the light better over there?"
He said: "No, I just hate the man in the office block opposite".

Imagine if you google Alzheimer’s symptoms and all the links are in purple...

Attractive doctors and nurses never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid! Well, he didn't say it but I knew he was thinking it.

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.

My mate Dave went to see his doctor yesterday.
Dave said to the doctor "I applied that haemorrhoid cream you gave me and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" the doctor asked.
“On the bus!” said Dave

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu????
One requires tweet-ment and the other requires oink-ment.

The doctor said I'm going deaf. That news was hard for me to hear.

Dr:next.
Me:Doctor, people ignore me.
Dr:next.

I’ve been told I’m a bit of a heartbreaker.
Which is probably why I lost my job as a cardiologist

What do we want?
New hearing aids!
When do we want them?
New hearing aids!

My doctor said my sodium level was pretty high so I went home and put it on a lower shelf.

I knew an optometrist who fell into his glass making machine and made a spectacle of himself .