Healthcare Comedy: Funny Doctor Jokes and Hospital Humor.

My Dentist: You need a crown.
Me: Finally, someone who understands me.

Latest News on Immigration.
In future, all incoming Doctors will be vetted and all Vets will be doctored.

I saw my doctor to complain about my tendency to fall on the floor while eating. He said I had oily stools.

I said to the doctor "I think these last tablets you gave me are the wrong ones."
The doctor peered over his glasses and asked "why do you think that?"
"Because I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right!" ....
"Oh" he says ... "their just side effects!

Why did Waldo go to therapy?

To find himself.

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

“Doctor, Every time I go out people start hitting me with sticks”.
“And why do you think that is Mr Piñata?”

Went to the doctor for a check up. He said I'm terribly sorry I've got some bad news. You only have four minutes to live! I said can't you do anything for me? He said I can boil you an egg.

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

Doctor asked me why I thought I had Ulcers.

I said: I don't know, it's just a gut feeling.

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.
Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.

My doctor said to me "do you know your sperm count?"
I said I didn't know they were that clever.

Optician: I've got your test results..... I'm afraid they're not good....
Me: oh!.... can I see them,?
He: probably not!

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush and there was no plaque.

My doctor says I'm hot.
Actually he said fever, but I'm taking it.

I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water..
Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.

I thought about becoming a dermatologist, but I don’t like making rash decisions.

I've got no faith in my doctor,
All his patients are ill.

I got my test results back this morning, and I'm shocked to find that I've been diagnosed with OCD.
I've rung the doctor's nine times to check if they're correct.

Did you hear about the website for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It's a site for sore eyes.

Whoever said a little positivity wouldn't kill you...obviously didn't have a negative blood type.

😯-"Doctor, doctor I can't feel my legs!"
👨‍🦳-"I know,we amputed your hands"

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!" - Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!

Health News Tip:
Keep your pepper on the table, but keep your salt 🧂 on the floor. It’s healthier that way. It’s low sodium.

If a dentist wins a competition for the best teeth cleaning, do they get a plaque??

Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted about a week back?

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.

You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don’t you?
Newer magazines.

Doctor said to me... You must learn deal with your weight problem, you can't just run away from it.

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

Sign over a Gynecologist Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

I just tried calling the tinnitus helpline. No reply. It just kept ringing.

I have a friend who is allergic to eggs, cuz it scrambles her brain and makes her skin look poached. I think the condition. Is called eggczema.

I have a medical condition that leads me to sometimes spell words backwards.

When it happens I often get desserts out.

Currently enrolled in an "Erectile Dysfunction" drug trial.

No firm results as yet 🤷

I love valves.

They'll always have a special place in my heart.

A friend is an award winning dermatologist who started from scratch.

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a Kleenex box. but the doctor said it is only tissue damage.

I went for a check up today and all was going well until he stuck his finger up my arse...

Do you think I should change my dentist?

Proctologists reassure patients that their problems can be 'rectified'.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

a doctor doctoring another doctor is a paradox.

2 years ago the doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven’t heard from him
Since.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. : Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

With Christmas coming up.. What do you give a man who has everything?

Antibiotics...

I've been suffering lately from hallucinations. I saw a doctor... there was no doctor.

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, my friend has been struck off the register.

He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money.

A nice guy and an absolutely brilliant vet!

Had a first date last night with a lovely lady dentist, it seemed to go Ok...She wants to see me again in 6 months

When the doc said
my prostate was healthy,
I was deeply touched.

I was showing my doctor the rash on my bum today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn’t want to look at it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery on Monday and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.

There's a urinary side effect to the new Pfizer vaccine. It makes your p silent.

I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was.

My doctor checked my fitness level and said I was getting atrophy. Where should I put it? I never got a fitness award before!

Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

Being healthy is just the slowest possible way of dying.

I've just phoned the weak bladder helpline.
It's 1p a minute!

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’...

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

You eat sausages your whole life but you refuse vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.